Act Don't React

There has been a lot of lessons that I have had as a focus over the last year, but one of them that has been important and different than much of my past is realizing that as you plan and guide your life, it should be chosen by logic and reason and not as much by emotion.  Also, it should be led by intention and action, rather than emotional reactions.

Indeed, I have had a lot of experience, as I am sure that many others can also testify in their lives, of making decisions based on emotional responses to things.  By that, I don't just mean angry reactions.  There has been times that I felt low and depressed or scared or more and withdrew into more safe environments.  It became a common defense mechanism to do so, and both after my first divorce and my eye surgeries I would choose to abandon my job and environment to seek family foundations.  I do not mean to say that seeking family is a bad thing.  However, let me more fully go through my examples.

In those examples, I upended my life and put myself in economically more difficult situations, and the result was having to work really hard and having less actual time to interact with family.  Further, the world is much smaller in our day than we think.  Driving hours away to visit family is just as difficult, oftentimes, as flying out to see them, and there are other ways to connect without having to be in person. 

But, to pause to note one additional point, I often found that the times AFTER difficult periods were filled with things that were just as or more difficult and the ultimate lesson was not finding a secure and safe alternative but he life lesson that I was always able to stand and thrive IN those other difficult situations, just fine.  The correct response was not to react with emotion but to get up, get dressed, keep working hard, and plan wisely.

This goes both ways, though.  And, you should not stay somewhere out of emotion or fear, either.  The difficulty of a path should not dictate your choice but what is most important for you to do for your heart and life.  So, as I prepare to move with the difficulties of my goals, ahead, I know that the things I have been doing and the direction I go is choices made in wisdom and conviction.  It is done with intention and well thought out steps, and it is ALREADY a much steadier and more prosperous change than those of the past.

So, this blog post would be to simply say that if you are feeling stresed and fearful and emotional, don't make decisions.  Take a breath.  Go for a walk.  Let the emotions drop, and then choose what path leads to outcomes most in line with your desired lifeline.

I Love Me

I have had songs in my playlists over the years about loving yourself and reshared many posts on Instagram and Facebook about it over time.  However, I have not had many posts about myself loving myself, so I am going to do that for this one as a reminder and an example, as well.

Loving myself should not be seen as an excuse to say that others should love me for these reasons.  I am not everyone's cup of tea, as they say.  If we are all individually unique and diverse, what would appeal to one will be challenging to another.  Nor should it be seen as a justification for objectively bad behavior.  Part of loving myself includes a very active self analysis that is always trying to improve.  You cannot improve if you are unable or unwilling to challenge yourself and admit where you have flaws to address and opportunities of growth where you made poor choices.  But, after those disclaimers, I will go into the things I DO like about myself.

I love that I am curious.  I am interested in learning, even when it corrects me.  Information and truth is and has been very important to me in my life.  

I love that I have a deep mind.  For some people that can be difficult, and I get that.  I wish at times that I could be more carefree, and I am working on being moreso.  But, that said, I can entertain my mind for hours trying to understand deep concepts and human existence and more.

I love that I am dedicated.  Sometimes, I can be too dedicataed to things that I need to let go and move forward.  That would be a flaw for me to work on.... because sometimes for example, I can find myself trying to make one accounting task work to the exclusion of meeting deadlines for the bigger picture.  But, it also means I can go months in fitness without much change visible, before the changes start to happen and keep going till I reach a goal.

I love that I am creative.  I can't paint in a great way, and I wish I could play music instruments, well.  However, I love to make music playlists.  I love to write, and sometimes I will write something in a different way or on a different topic just to challenge myself and see if it can be done.

I love that I have a caring heart.  I would say that I love that I have a caring heart, even after all the pain.  But, one really does not stop the other.  The pain exists BECAUSE I have a caaring heart, and it is care which heals the wounds, especially care for myself.

I love that I am objective.  As the sherrif says to some rebels in the current season of Silo that I am watching to prepare for the new one, "I am not for you or for him.  I am for the law."  That is close to how I am, only I would say that law in that manner for me is objective truth, and it also explains why I am so often clashing with people of all political parties that have an issue with one observation I make or another one or on issues of religion, education, relationships, identity, and more.  I take great interest in trying to undestand things... see above... and then I use that observation to determine things without consulting a group or seeking their approval, all while being able to change if the information so presents itself to do so.

I love that I love things that feed my soul like sunsets, pictures, books, music, art, beaches, the breeze, beauty, delicious foods, and more.  My life may have many challenges over my decades, but it can never be said that I didn't live.

There are more things that I could say, but I am going to take myself to watch a movie, where I will have a few strong drinks and enjoy myself.  I hope  you have a good evening and weekend.

Objectivity and Prejudice

I wanted to do a post about objectivity and another about prejudice, but I realized both are linked.  The way I want to present it is not accusatory, as it also applies to me, equally.  It is also not negative but positive, as well.  You will understand, as I explain.  I began the post mid week, but it had to stay in draft til I had the mental bandwidth to do it justice and do it right.  I find that I have to budget my mental energy and processing time, lately.  My job is very mentally challenging, and I often find myself with a stacked schedule of things I want to do, even at night.  However, I have been relaxing for a while, this evening.  I think I am ready to expound on this, and I think it will benefit you, as well.

As per usual, I think that we have a wrong use of and understanding of many words, and these are no exception.  I think that people always assume that prejudice is about negative presumptions, but it can easily be positive ones, as well.  What is prejudice?  The Oxford definition that you get in Googling it is "preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience."  That can definitely be negative, and we have seen a lot of that in our society and in the news, lately.  It is often applied to people on dating apps, as well, and I will admit that I base my opinions of how someone may be based on their interests and factors that I have seen in others.  Honestly, I'd say that in our age, a little caution is not necessarily a bad thing.   Certainly, if they have interests that I do not share or they do not share my interests, that is not something that is based on prejudice but fact.  However, assuming that someone's personality is like, simply based upon similar interests is jumping to conclusions.  But, I don't want to limit this post to dating apps but larger concepts.  But, it is also true that we can have a prejudice that something will be good ... also without it being based on experience or reason.  My point in saying that is not to say that you should not believe in the possibility of good or look for it.  By all means do, but make sure you are doing so upon the next concept.. objectivity.

Blame the day job... I'm an accountant.  In my job, it is or it isn't is not a cold and cruel way of looking at things.  It is a way that says I want to know that it is real, before I make decisions that count upon it being there.  It is not a romantic way of looking at things, but how many times in your own life has your household budget fallen apart, because you were budgeting upon hope?  I've had that happen enough in my life that I have both a hopeful and dreamer mentality when it comes to what I desire and an objective and logical analysis of what actually exists.  And, in determining what does exist, I mean that it is evident to the senses, not existing in hope.  I know that many will take issue with that.  I'd say, I share you idealism.  I just don't share the practical application.  My mentality in years past and lately is to see things as they are and follow the paths that show a good foundation for the idealistic hopes that I am charting my life to achieve.. not denying anyone the opportunity to show me the effort nor believing the effort is there when it is not seen.  Similarly, I don't presume (to circle back) that someone is lost or beyond hope.  I just don't give unwarranted perceptions of others, either.

So, I hope these help you.  I know that some will be saying that I am denying the "magic" of a relationship or the "faith" in what you do not see.  Again.. I admire you positivity.  I just don't feel like gambling upon hormones or emotions that can change, quickly.   So, if you choose to ignore my words or reject my opionion.  I say that is fine.  Good luck.  I'm not unromantic.  I just want to wait to make sure the foundation is present for me to begin to have the kind of intimacy that I desire, and I think that knowing that such exists is something that takes time and is based on a lot of unromantic factors like personality type, goals, communication styles, and more.  These things we cannot fully know without time, and I plan in my future to be a turtle and to be sure. But, it doesn't mean that I cannot enjoy the journey of discovery or enjoy my life by myself.  

Well, this post ended up being more about relationships and dating than I desired, but I think it is ok.  I have made a lot of these mistakes, myself.  I am still learning how to chart life, as we all are.  I hold no ill will for anyone else in their exploration, as well.  But, I am trying to post the things I am learning that I think will protect and help others to find their way to their own happy ever after. 

You Are Valid

I wanted to bring together a few, among many, concepts that has been guiding principles in my life of late.  They have helped me keep a peaceful and steady march forward, and I think they are important to keep in mind in the minds of my readers, as well... no matter how your life may face.  They don't require a lot of talk, so this blog post will be rather short.

1.  First and to lead off with the topic of the post subject... you are valid.  Your feelings are valid.  Your personality is valid.  Your thoughts are valid.  Your way of doing things is valid.  Your life experience that led you to this point is also VERY valid... both the good and the bad.  Indeed.. I'll pause mid point here to note there is value in the bad and struggle.  I don't know if you are watching Fallout on TV, but there was a part in the season finale for this season that I won't give too much information about... but a character lost their dark side in a change that stripped them of their bad memories, and the person watching had tears in their eyes, knowing they had just lost the person they knew with the change.  But, to continue the point, You are valid, even if you are flawed.  Indeed, you are valid IN the flaws.  You don't have to be perfect to be worthy.  You are worthy, even as you are growing.  You are valid in your pains, and your pains are valid.  None of that changes any of your worth.  Indeed, it makes you worthy of a caring heart's response.

2.  People can be good and valid and not right for you for a relationship.  It is not right or wrong, good or bad, one or the other.  You don't have to judge someone as a bad person, just because they are not the kind of person that would work with you.  Indeed, if you know what you need and ignore it to get into a connection that ends badly, you are just as much to blame for that.  We all want to follow the heart, but the heart can get you into difficult or impossible situations.  There are many personality tests out there that will give you an idea of what you need to make you happy.  You need to enslave (strong word used for a purpose) your emotions to follow your needs.. either finding someone whose personality naturally works with yours or by agreement on both sides to respect the middle... though I am not sure that the latter actually exists.

3.  You need to stand your ground and make your choices to be happy.  No one else is going to be sacrificing their wants to make that happen for you all the time, and you should not be expecting others to provide it for you.  Your happiness is not their responsibility.  Their happiness is.  Your happiness is YOUR responsibility.  So, that means telling others no or wait or telling others what you want to do, even if it is not convenient for them.  If you do not get in this practice, it is very easy to lose yourself along the way. Get in the habit of saying what you want and doing what you need to be happy.  That doesn't mean that you cannot sacrifice and make choices to make others happy.  You should be doing that, as well.  But, you have to MAKE those moments happen that you enjoy, whether it be going for a photo walk in the cold, taking extra time to listen to music or do a puzzle, go shopping on your own, or... well.. making time to please yourself... ha.  I'm not that innocent minded.  Whatever it is, you have a responsibility to yourself, and you cannot delegate that or blame anyone else for your lack of doing it.

As always, I have more I could say, but that is enough for now.  I hope it helps. 

 

Truth

I have been processing a lot of emotions in the course of the last week, and I have been coming to a lot of realizations from recognition of truth.  I won't go into a lot of specific facts, but I will convey some very important truths in this post.

One fact that I will say is that a year ago, I began a romance that would captivate me and absolute destroy my defenses.  I believe that as it began I told a close friend that this person would have the power to completely destroy me, but I was going to take the chance.  I did, and it was an amazing relationship.  That is objectively true.  I learned so much.  I felt more me than I had in any other period in my life.  I felt seen and connected and valued and challenged.  The last part was new to me, but it is an important part of it.  I learned that love was not just about having all of your wants met but that you were challenged to become more than you were... that life wasn't just about what I have experienced to this point and what I was used to getting but was really an adventure to be explored.  It was a wonderful adventure.

I don't say any of that to make it happen.  I haven't heard from her in months, and I am pretty sure that she has moved on and does not want me to be a part of her life.  However... truth... that does not change how important it was to me or how important she was and is to me.  I know that who I am is not good for who she wants to be.  That is true.  However, it does not change who amazing that I think she is and will be, and I am eternally grateful for the many ways that she helped me to grow in loving her.  I will continue to love her, because that is how I am built.  That will delay or obstruct new romance that could be in my life, and that is true... and that will limit what I can have.  But, I am honest and true, and I have determined in myself that how I feel is not and cannot decrease, regardless of how it ended and whether it continued.  I grew as a person.  I was challenged by her.  I learned new things.  I became a better person, and I like who I have become.  So, I will carry it forward.

I used to say that a sign that something was from God or was influenced outside of me was that it was something that I would not normally choose.  Logically, it makes sense to move on and to enjoy new opportunities that lay in front of me, and to be honest.. after months of no positive contact with the past one it would make sense to do so.  However, I feel exactly the same as a year ago when I met her, and I will probably always feel this way.  I am always objective and honest, even when it is not in my favor.  The fact is that my heart has felt a love that touched me to the core, and I will continue to have that impact to influence me in my days ahead.  That is not a bad thing.  There has always been that question... is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.  I can tell you that I have loved at different times, and each has had value and importance to me.  However, there can be times when you are in so much harmony that it becomes a part of your soul for life, and that has happened to me.  If I remain single but having appreciation for the love that I felt, that would be much better than trying to rush into anything else to cover it up, and the integrity of my soul will not allow it.

So... being a person that has always valued truth in fact and feeling, I am bound to acknowledge that the last year did in fact have an impact on me that will remain, and I am more than willing to give it the space that it has earned. 

Fear

 I used to say that fear is stupid, but rather I'd say it is a poor substitute for wisdom.  In the body, it is meant for an immediate reaction to an immediate danger that is clear and present.  Neither your body or society is meant to use it long term and doing so will do grave danger to both.

Fear cannot exist in the same place as logic or freedom... or hope or happiness for that matter.  So, choosing to live in fear is choosing to surrender all of the above.

Fear makes you do things you'd rather not do, overlook warning signs that you would normally avoid to end up in situations or relationships you'll later feel was a mistake and feel imprisoned.

So, I'll keep this short, because even though I could give a hundred examples of this from my own life that taught me, you have plenty of your own.  Just remember, if you intend long term success and happiness, never allow fear to take the reins from a life of experience or a desire for freedom and stability.

Accounting For Life

For those that don't know, my career outside of food delivery in periods between jobs is accounting.  It's a natural career for me, because it aligns with several qualities that I have, which I think is actually very needed and often lacking in the world, today.  Stick through the first paragraphs to get to the larger application.

People think accounting is about math or numbers.  Those are some expressions of it, sure.  But, I worked one accounting job for oil and gas supply where a whole section of the company accounted for barrels of oil transferred... no money accounted in that process.  Others would handle that.  Accounting was and is about first getting an accurate understanding of what it is you have, got, or sold.  There are no assumptions.. no we thought we had, or we thought it was worth more.  If it is not accurate, it is not accounting.

In order to be accurate, it MUST be seen objectively.  Your job is not to please the management.  In fact, they are counting on YOU to determine when it is not.  Some positions, in fact, are internal auditors whose job it is to catch when lower or middle managers are trying to blow sunshine up the CEOs ass.  You don't make friends that way, but you serve a valuable service.

So, it fits me like a glove, since by nature I am driven to analyze what actually exists by poking holes in assumptions and prejudice in groups around me.

But, some things cannot be analyzed and must be taken on faith, some would say.   Indeed, every dictator or abusive person... whether political figure, cult leader, management figure or abusive spouse would say the same thing.  Pretty much always the loudest voices opposing oversight are the ones with something to hide.  Those who don't often welcome an objective eye or voice.  Every major company gets audited every few years at least, and I think the devil is in fact God's auditor of virtue and does a pretty good job at it.

But, it's also false to say some things cannot be analyzed.  There is a very good one season show on Hulu of a massive supercomputer valled Devs designed to analyze everything... down to things like what did you ear or what did you hear or what was the weather like that led you to conclude in your quantifiable history to decide one thing over another.   And, if you can do that, you can predict the next steps.  This was also a major part of a season of Westworld.  Ultimately, everything... even emotions.. can be identified as the results of other influences.  So, the challenge and opportunity we have from understanding this is to let "our head rule our heart" as they say.  

For the last several months, that's been my guide... choosing what is wise, and know what?  It has led to a less emotionally rocky result with more steady joys, as well.  

So.. give it a shot.  What areas of your life do you KNOW are unwise and need adjustments.  What areas can you improve at it.  If you are not using your brain to guide your life, you cannot blame others for the choices you make without consulting it.