What Do You Have to Lose

I had the idea for this post last night, but I was too tired to put it down into words.  Work has been very busy, lately, and will be for a little while more.  But, the pause allowed me time to see an episode of the new Elle series that fits into it, as well.  So there is my bright side to the dark in that.

Without going into much detail at all, I'll just say that much of my last several years has been very hard and has included a lot of loss.  For the most part, I have kept a positive attitude about it and have seen and wrote about the importance of finding the benefit in the darkness and learning more about yourself.

One of the things that I learned in my years is how much I can overcome, which gives me confidence for each new challenge.  It's like my time in the military, when training puts you under extreme stress, so you learn that you can actually stand on your own and not only survive but thrive.

But, one thing that I have also learned about those dark times of struggle is this... the more that you lose, the less you have to lose.  The less you have to lose, the more you are free to do whatever you want to do for yourself, and that allows you to honestly explore and learn to enjoy who you really are.

In the Elle eposide, she wants to be friends with a girl that asks her why she likes her.  Elle couldn't come up with a reason at that point.  Later, she tells her that she likes that she doesn't care what anyone else thinks and wants her to tell Elle how to do that.

In one part, Elle asks her to bring her her spare outfit, because she had wore the wrong thing to a party and was afraid that she would be the target of laughing and more.  The girl comes to Elle and tells her that she didn't bring the outfit, because she was showing her how to not care.  She tells Elle that at one point she has bought the outfit, because she liked the way that she looked in it and told her to not hide that but to flaunt that, instead.

So, that is my point for this post.  You are you.  You like you.  You may have lost everything like a classic Job tale, or you may just be hiding away yourself.  But, what do you really have to lose... people that don't like you, anyways?  So, own it.  Flaunt it.  Build yourself up from nothing in a way that YOU like, because in the end that is all you need and might be all that will accompany you on your journey the rest of your life.

Truth

I have been processing a lot of emotions in the course of the last week, and I have been coming to a lot of realizations from recognition of truth.  I won't go into a lot of specific facts, but I will convey some very important truths in this post.

One fact that I will say is that a year ago, I began a romance that would captivate me and absolute destroy my defenses.  I believe that as it began I told a close friend that this person would have the power to completely destroy me, but I was going to take the chance.  I did, and it was an amazing relationship.  That is objectively true.  I learned so much.  I felt more me than I had in any other period in my life.  I felt seen and connected and valued and challenged.  The last part was new to me, but it is an important part of it.  I learned that love was not just about having all of your wants met but that you were challenged to become more than you were... that life wasn't just about what I have experienced to this point and what I was used to getting but was really an adventure to be explored.  It was a wonderful adventure.

I don't say any of that to make it happen.  I haven't heard from her in months, and I am pretty sure that she has moved on and does not want me to be a part of her life.  However... truth... that does not change how important it was to me or how important she was and is to me.  I know that who I am is not good for who she wants to be.  That is true.  However, it does not change who amazing that I think she is and will be, and I am eternally grateful for the many ways that she helped me to grow in loving her.  I will continue to love her, because that is how I am built.  That will delay or obstruct new romance that could be in my life, and that is true... and that will limit what I can have.  But, I am honest and true, and I have determined in myself that how I feel is not and cannot decrease, regardless of how it ended and whether it continued.  I grew as a person.  I was challenged by her.  I learned new things.  I became a better person, and I like who I have become.  So, I will carry it forward.

I used to say that a sign that something was from God or was influenced outside of me was that it was something that I would not normally choose.  Logically, it makes sense to move on and to enjoy new opportunities that lay in front of me, and to be honest.. after months of no positive contact with the past one it would make sense to do so.  However, I feel exactly the same as a year ago when I met her, and I will probably always feel this way.  I am always objective and honest, even when it is not in my favor.  The fact is that my heart has felt a love that touched me to the core, and I will continue to have that impact to influence me in my days ahead.  That is not a bad thing.  There has always been that question... is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.  I can tell you that I have loved at different times, and each has had value and importance to me.  However, there can be times when you are in so much harmony that it becomes a part of your soul for life, and that has happened to me.  If I remain single but having appreciation for the love that I felt, that would be much better than trying to rush into anything else to cover it up, and the integrity of my soul will not allow it.

So... being a person that has always valued truth in fact and feeling, I am bound to acknowledge that the last year did in fact have an impact on me that will remain, and I am more than willing to give it the space that it has earned.