Objectivity and Prejudice

I wanted to do a post about objectivity and another about prejudice, but I realized both are linked.  The way I want to present it is not accusatory, as it also applies to me, equally.  It is also not negative but positive, as well.  You will understand, as I explain.  I began the post mid week, but it had to stay in draft til I had the mental bandwidth to do it justice and do it right.  I find that I have to budget my mental energy and processing time, lately.  My job is very mentally challenging, and I often find myself with a stacked schedule of things I want to do, even at night.  However, I have been relaxing for a while, this evening.  I think I am ready to expound on this, and I think it will benefit you, as well.

As per usual, I think that we have a wrong use of and understanding of many words, and these are no exception.  I think that people always assume that prejudice is about negative presumptions, but it can easily be positive ones, as well.  What is prejudice?  The Oxford definition that you get in Googling it is "preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience."  That can definitely be negative, and we have seen a lot of that in our society and in the news, lately.  It is often applied to people on dating apps, as well, and I will admit that I base my opinions of how someone may be based on their interests and factors that I have seen in others.  Honestly, I'd say that in our age, a little caution is not necessarily a bad thing.   Certainly, if they have interests that I do not share or they do not share my interests, that is not something that is based on prejudice but fact.  However, assuming that someone's personality is like, simply based upon similar interests is jumping to conclusions.  But, I don't want to limit this post to dating apps but larger concepts.  But, it is also true that we can have a prejudice that something will be good ... also without it being based on experience or reason.  My point in saying that is not to say that you should not believe in the possibility of good or look for it.  By all means do, but make sure you are doing so upon the next concept.. objectivity.

Blame the day job... I'm an accountant.  In my job, it is or it isn't is not a cold and cruel way of looking at things.  It is a way that says I want to know that it is real, before I make decisions that count upon it being there.  It is not a romantic way of looking at things, but how many times in your own life has your household budget fallen apart, because you were budgeting upon hope?  I've had that happen enough in my life that I have both a hopeful and dreamer mentality when it comes to what I desire and an objective and logical analysis of what actually exists.  And, in determining what does exist, I mean that it is evident to the senses, not existing in hope.  I know that many will take issue with that.  I'd say, I share you idealism.  I just don't share the practical application.  My mentality in years past and lately is to see things as they are and follow the paths that show a good foundation for the idealistic hopes that I am charting my life to achieve.. not denying anyone the opportunity to show me the effort nor believing the effort is there when it is not seen.  Similarly, I don't presume (to circle back) that someone is lost or beyond hope.  I just don't give unwarranted perceptions of others, either.

So, I hope these help you.  I know that some will be saying that I am denying the "magic" of a relationship or the "faith" in what you do not see.  Again.. I admire you positivity.  I just don't feel like gambling upon hormones or emotions that can change, quickly.   So, if you choose to ignore my words or reject my opionion.  I say that is fine.  Good luck.  I'm not unromantic.  I just want to wait to make sure the foundation is present for me to begin to have the kind of intimacy that I desire, and I think that knowing that such exists is something that takes time and is based on a lot of unromantic factors like personality type, goals, communication styles, and more.  These things we cannot fully know without time, and I plan in my future to be a turtle and to be sure. But, it doesn't mean that I cannot enjoy the journey of discovery or enjoy my life by myself.  

Well, this post ended up being more about relationships and dating than I desired, but I think it is ok.  I have made a lot of these mistakes, myself.  I am still learning how to chart life, as we all are.  I hold no ill will for anyone else in their exploration, as well.  But, I am trying to post the things I am learning that I think will protect and help others to find their way to their own happy ever after. 

Truth

I have been processing a lot of emotions in the course of the last week, and I have been coming to a lot of realizations from recognition of truth.  I won't go into a lot of specific facts, but I will convey some very important truths in this post.

One fact that I will say is that a year ago, I began a romance that would captivate me and absolute destroy my defenses.  I believe that as it began I told a close friend that this person would have the power to completely destroy me, but I was going to take the chance.  I did, and it was an amazing relationship.  That is objectively true.  I learned so much.  I felt more me than I had in any other period in my life.  I felt seen and connected and valued and challenged.  The last part was new to me, but it is an important part of it.  I learned that love was not just about having all of your wants met but that you were challenged to become more than you were... that life wasn't just about what I have experienced to this point and what I was used to getting but was really an adventure to be explored.  It was a wonderful adventure.

I don't say any of that to make it happen.  I haven't heard from her in months, and I am pretty sure that she has moved on and does not want me to be a part of her life.  However... truth... that does not change how important it was to me or how important she was and is to me.  I know that who I am is not good for who she wants to be.  That is true.  However, it does not change who amazing that I think she is and will be, and I am eternally grateful for the many ways that she helped me to grow in loving her.  I will continue to love her, because that is how I am built.  That will delay or obstruct new romance that could be in my life, and that is true... and that will limit what I can have.  But, I am honest and true, and I have determined in myself that how I feel is not and cannot decrease, regardless of how it ended and whether it continued.  I grew as a person.  I was challenged by her.  I learned new things.  I became a better person, and I like who I have become.  So, I will carry it forward.

I used to say that a sign that something was from God or was influenced outside of me was that it was something that I would not normally choose.  Logically, it makes sense to move on and to enjoy new opportunities that lay in front of me, and to be honest.. after months of no positive contact with the past one it would make sense to do so.  However, I feel exactly the same as a year ago when I met her, and I will probably always feel this way.  I am always objective and honest, even when it is not in my favor.  The fact is that my heart has felt a love that touched me to the core, and I will continue to have that impact to influence me in my days ahead.  That is not a bad thing.  There has always been that question... is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.  I can tell you that I have loved at different times, and each has had value and importance to me.  However, there can be times when you are in so much harmony that it becomes a part of your soul for life, and that has happened to me.  If I remain single but having appreciation for the love that I felt, that would be much better than trying to rush into anything else to cover it up, and the integrity of my soul will not allow it.

So... being a person that has always valued truth in fact and feeling, I am bound to acknowledge that the last year did in fact have an impact on me that will remain, and I am more than willing to give it the space that it has earned.