Truth

I have been processing a lot of emotions in the course of the last week, and I have been coming to a lot of realizations from recognition of truth.  I won't go into a lot of specific facts, but I will convey some very important truths in this post.

One fact that I will say is that a year ago, I began a romance that would captivate me and absolute destroy my defenses.  I believe that as it began I told a close friend that this person would have the power to completely destroy me, but I was going to take the chance.  I did, and it was an amazing relationship.  That is objectively true.  I learned so much.  I felt more me than I had in any other period in my life.  I felt seen and connected and valued and challenged.  The last part was new to me, but it is an important part of it.  I learned that love was not just about having all of your wants met but that you were challenged to become more than you were... that life wasn't just about what I have experienced to this point and what I was used to getting but was really an adventure to be explored.  It was a wonderful adventure.

I don't say any of that to make it happen.  I haven't heard from her in months, and I am pretty sure that she has moved on and does not want me to be a part of her life.  However... truth... that does not change how important it was to me or how important she was and is to me.  I know that who I am is not good for who she wants to be.  That is true.  However, it does not change who amazing that I think she is and will be, and I am eternally grateful for the many ways that she helped me to grow in loving her.  I will continue to love her, because that is how I am built.  That will delay or obstruct new romance that could be in my life, and that is true... and that will limit what I can have.  But, I am honest and true, and I have determined in myself that how I feel is not and cannot decrease, regardless of how it ended and whether it continued.  I grew as a person.  I was challenged by her.  I learned new things.  I became a better person, and I like who I have become.  So, I will carry it forward.

I used to say that a sign that something was from God or was influenced outside of me was that it was something that I would not normally choose.  Logically, it makes sense to move on and to enjoy new opportunities that lay in front of me, and to be honest.. after months of no positive contact with the past one it would make sense to do so.  However, I feel exactly the same as a year ago when I met her, and I will probably always feel this way.  I am always objective and honest, even when it is not in my favor.  The fact is that my heart has felt a love that touched me to the core, and I will continue to have that impact to influence me in my days ahead.  That is not a bad thing.  There has always been that question... is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.  I can tell you that I have loved at different times, and each has had value and importance to me.  However, there can be times when you are in so much harmony that it becomes a part of your soul for life, and that has happened to me.  If I remain single but having appreciation for the love that I felt, that would be much better than trying to rush into anything else to cover it up, and the integrity of my soul will not allow it.

So... being a person that has always valued truth in fact and feeling, I am bound to acknowledge that the last year did in fact have an impact on me that will remain, and I am more than willing to give it the space that it has earned.