Feel it All

There is a particular responsibility that comes with letting yourself feel your emotions.  You have to feel it all.  We are not cartoon characters that only display one emotion and one side of their personality.  We have complex emotions and at any given time can and often do feel many things, even those things that can be at contrast.  I say cartoon, but I guess the Inside Out cartoon was multiple feelings at once.  That would be more accurate.

Because the truth is that we are hardly ever just one way, just as our days are not just one way.  There can be good and bad, and both are valid.  I saw a meme online the other day of Dr Who saying that the good of a day does not solve the bad, nor does the bad take away from the good.  That is very true.  I am always a mix of things, and I try my best to keep them compartmentalized, because it is indeed true that if you are always focusing on the bad emotions, you can miss out on so much of the good things that can happen in your life.  However, to focus on the good things without allowing yourself to feel the bad can rob you of necessary healing and growth that needs to be done.  So, I wouldn't expect anyone that I ever met to be "over" the bad things in their past or the challenges of their present.  We all have them, even if we forgive and make peace with those that did them.  All I would expect is what I try to do myself.. turn the page, recognize the past is the past and look to see what the next chapter in our lives might hold.. albeit with the growth that we gain from the prior chapters in understanding others as well as ourselves.

So, if someone were to see me smiling a lot or laughing, it does not mean that there is not a part of me that is also reflecting on the past.  That is impossible, as we will always have things that remind us of people from our past.. a location, a fandom, a show or movie, or even a sport or hobby.  To deny that is to force yourself to come face to face with it.  But, you can make new memories in those things, as well as accept that those good memories of the past are valid and can be accepted as good.. in the past.  You are not tied to a specific emotion, and others are not able to be judged as 2 dimensional either.  There can be good, even in the stories that you no longer read.  And, spending our lives trying to fictionalize that good will only elongate our journey to find truth and joy in the future.

So, I allow myself to feel it all.  I allow myself to accept good and bad, love and strain, loss and rebirth.  I allow myself to accept the good that I felt was good that I felt, even as I use reason to guide my path forward.  Indeed, that is a skill we must develop if we are going to make wise decisions for our future path, apart from hormones and emotions that we will face.

So, this post is simply to challenge you to feel it all, if you are really going to see a true picture of reality. Then.... as you let the emotions flow through you.. let them flow from you and let it go.  Take a breath.  And, look and start stepping forward.  Happiness can happen, again, and holding onto the negative will only blind your ability to see and experience it.  And, I wouldn't wan that loss for anyone, least of all myself. 

Reason vs Delusion

This last December, I got to take a trip to one of my favorite places that I have been, so far in my life.. Tampa Bay.  As part of that, I went to the Dali museum, and they were having a special showing of the life of Van Gogh.  As it progressed talking about it, it was referencing his growing mental illness and his loss of context with reality, until he finally killed himself.  As they were going though all of that, I was over there like.. wait.. what?  He was mentally ill?  Yes, I know he cut off his ear for a woman and that was bad, but he was just very passionate and emotional... right?  Right.. and that's the point.

Passions are a great thing to feel, and I am a very emotional person.  I have followed them into many, many life changes in my life, against reason and often against others speaking the reason.  I thought it was a GOOD quality, and I prided myself on following my passions... even if over and over again they would ultimately lead to pain... which of course they would, being against reason.

Passion and ideals are not supposed to be an alternative for reason.  They can work in concert.  However, when passion and emotions are not in line with situations that can last or are performed in a way and timing that is fitting, you cannot blame reality for them not magically working out.  Indeed, sometimes, pain is a good thing.  It can cause us to learn and to grow and to develop.  It is discontent that leads us to the desire to seek progress and take steps in that direction.  And, all of that is using REASON to guide, not how you are feeling.

People love to quote Socrates, as written down by Plato.  That whole school of Socrates delved into philosophy and ideals like beauty, love, and truth.  They would explore many concepts that are still to this day being discussed in classroom and courtrooms.  However, do you know what the end result of Socrates was?  That is not discussed in public, very often.  Socrates killed himself, believing that was being true to his principles.

So, this post has that point.  Yes, it is good for you to have emotions and ideals and to figure out what you like and want, and you should take definite moves in that direction.  However, you ALSO have to deal with the real life in which you find yourself.  You should not romanticize things that do not exist, nor base your budget upon hopes and dreams.  You base your budgets on work, and you work towards your dreams.  And, if something is not working, you learn and do something else.  THAT is the only way that you will ever reach the happiness that you desire, and it will take a lot of self discipline, telling others no, and patient and persistent choices to finally get you to where you want to be. 

What is Love

Now, I have that song playing through my head... what is love... baby, don't hurt me.  

But, what IS love, and how can we know if it is true?  There are many different interpretations, and I am not about to assume authority to tell you what love is.  It means different things for different people in different attachment and personality styles.  All are valid.  But, I can describe what I believe love is for myself and some general concepts for observation of it.

What is LOVE... well the bible says of love...

" 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Cor 13 in the Bible.

Jesus says it is the Sum of the Law of God and the standard by which we are to live our lives, first to ourselves and then to others.

What is love to you, though?

To me, love is something that I give.. pretty much without control.  I see a need.  I care for the need.  I give for the need.  I see someone that I think is special.  I say they are special.  I admire their qualities.  

Love isn't really hard to do... but you DO have to DO it, or else it isn't love (as love is a verb) but is simply a theory for you.  Here's a hint.  Love doesn't do well when judged by logic.  It doesn't make sense and is not prosperous.  That isn't the goal.  I cannot count the times in my life that I chose the path of love for those that would reject me and which would bring me further poverty or lack for my giving.  But, I wouldn't change a single act or day of those moments.

When people say that they are "in love" what they often mean is that they feel really good about themselves.  Sorry to be so course, but that is the fact.  Their hormones are pumping, and they are exited about being able to be liked by someone else.  They are NOT actually thinking how they can help this person or give to them in need... you know.. the qualities of love.  Then, the emotions fade, and hard times come.  Suddenly, it isn't fun anymore.  THAT is the  EXACT MOMENT that you know if the love is real.  And, true love is worth it.

So, my hope of this post is not that you find love.  My hope is that you LOVE.  Whether or not others can receive it, is is the one good thing that we can bring into the world to create, and I hope that you will weild it to create a happy future for yourself. 

Follow Potential

We spend a very long time of our lives chasing shadows, don't we?  I know I definitely have.  In a recent Young Sherlock episode I watched, a character said that it's not that life is short but that we spend so much of it dking around.  I attribute that to hope, which is a good quality in small doses, but it is toxic if applied generously to unwarranted situations.

The Bible actually speaks on this a lot, even if those passages are often either ignored or twisted out of their on the face meanings.  Jesus calls us to observe the fruit of others, and an epistle says faith without works is dead.  There is a place for believing in something or someone above works, but ultimately there must be something observable for it to exist.  Scientists don't go about saying... well there's no observable sign but we're gonna believe it's there.  Accountants don't do that, either.

In my opinion, you are best to follow potential and ignore situations without it.  If someone isn't trying to show you they care and even moreso tells you not to try, believe them.  Follow their direction and move on.  Someone else is waiting to show you that attention and effort.  Besides, how could it ever last without the watering of affection and nourishment that even plants require.

So, I don't chase what doesn't show potential, anymore.  I keep my head held high, knowing my worth, and walk on.  Whether something better comes along or not, the observable fact is that you can't lose what isn't even there.  Clear your mind of that delusion and keep moving forward.

Objectivity and Prejudice

I wanted to do a post about objectivity and another about prejudice, but I realized both are linked.  The way I want to present it is not accusatory, as it also applies to me, equally.  It is also not negative but positive, as well.  You will understand, as I explain.  I began the post mid week, but it had to stay in draft til I had the mental bandwidth to do it justice and do it right.  I find that I have to budget my mental energy and processing time, lately.  My job is very mentally challenging, and I often find myself with a stacked schedule of things I want to do, even at night.  However, I have been relaxing for a while, this evening.  I think I am ready to expound on this, and I think it will benefit you, as well.

As per usual, I think that we have a wrong use of and understanding of many words, and these are no exception.  I think that people always assume that prejudice is about negative presumptions, but it can easily be positive ones, as well.  What is prejudice?  The Oxford definition that you get in Googling it is "preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience."  That can definitely be negative, and we have seen a lot of that in our society and in the news, lately.  It is often applied to people on dating apps, as well, and I will admit that I base my opinions of how someone may be based on their interests and factors that I have seen in others.  Honestly, I'd say that in our age, a little caution is not necessarily a bad thing.   Certainly, if they have interests that I do not share or they do not share my interests, that is not something that is based on prejudice but fact.  However, assuming that someone's personality is like, simply based upon similar interests is jumping to conclusions.  But, I don't want to limit this post to dating apps but larger concepts.  But, it is also true that we can have a prejudice that something will be good ... also without it being based on experience or reason.  My point in saying that is not to say that you should not believe in the possibility of good or look for it.  By all means do, but make sure you are doing so upon the next concept.. objectivity.

Blame the day job... I'm an accountant.  In my job, it is or it isn't is not a cold and cruel way of looking at things.  It is a way that says I want to know that it is real, before I make decisions that count upon it being there.  It is not a romantic way of looking at things, but how many times in your own life has your household budget fallen apart, because you were budgeting upon hope?  I've had that happen enough in my life that I have both a hopeful and dreamer mentality when it comes to what I desire and an objective and logical analysis of what actually exists.  And, in determining what does exist, I mean that it is evident to the senses, not existing in hope.  I know that many will take issue with that.  I'd say, I share you idealism.  I just don't share the practical application.  My mentality in years past and lately is to see things as they are and follow the paths that show a good foundation for the idealistic hopes that I am charting my life to achieve.. not denying anyone the opportunity to show me the effort nor believing the effort is there when it is not seen.  Similarly, I don't presume (to circle back) that someone is lost or beyond hope.  I just don't give unwarranted perceptions of others, either.

So, I hope these help you.  I know that some will be saying that I am denying the "magic" of a relationship or the "faith" in what you do not see.  Again.. I admire you positivity.  I just don't feel like gambling upon hormones or emotions that can change, quickly.   So, if you choose to ignore my words or reject my opionion.  I say that is fine.  Good luck.  I'm not unromantic.  I just want to wait to make sure the foundation is present for me to begin to have the kind of intimacy that I desire, and I think that knowing that such exists is something that takes time and is based on a lot of unromantic factors like personality type, goals, communication styles, and more.  These things we cannot fully know without time, and I plan in my future to be a turtle and to be sure. But, it doesn't mean that I cannot enjoy the journey of discovery or enjoy my life by myself.  

Well, this post ended up being more about relationships and dating than I desired, but I think it is ok.  I have made a lot of these mistakes, myself.  I am still learning how to chart life, as we all are.  I hold no ill will for anyone else in their exploration, as well.  But, I am trying to post the things I am learning that I think will protect and help others to find their way to their own happy ever after. 

Truth

I have been processing a lot of emotions in the course of the last week, and I have been coming to a lot of realizations from recognition of truth.  I won't go into a lot of specific facts, but I will convey some very important truths in this post.

One fact that I will say is that a year ago, I began a romance that would captivate me and absolute destroy my defenses.  I believe that as it began I told a close friend that this person would have the power to completely destroy me, but I was going to take the chance.  I did, and it was an amazing relationship.  That is objectively true.  I learned so much.  I felt more me than I had in any other period in my life.  I felt seen and connected and valued and challenged.  The last part was new to me, but it is an important part of it.  I learned that love was not just about having all of your wants met but that you were challenged to become more than you were... that life wasn't just about what I have experienced to this point and what I was used to getting but was really an adventure to be explored.  It was a wonderful adventure.

I don't say any of that to make it happen.  I haven't heard from her in months, and I am pretty sure that she has moved on and does not want me to be a part of her life.  However... truth... that does not change how important it was to me or how important she was and is to me.  I know that who I am is not good for who she wants to be.  That is true.  However, it does not change who amazing that I think she is and will be, and I am eternally grateful for the many ways that she helped me to grow in loving her.  I will continue to love her, because that is how I am built.  That will delay or obstruct new romance that could be in my life, and that is true... and that will limit what I can have.  But, I am honest and true, and I have determined in myself that how I feel is not and cannot decrease, regardless of how it ended and whether it continued.  I grew as a person.  I was challenged by her.  I learned new things.  I became a better person, and I like who I have become.  So, I will carry it forward.

I used to say that a sign that something was from God or was influenced outside of me was that it was something that I would not normally choose.  Logically, it makes sense to move on and to enjoy new opportunities that lay in front of me, and to be honest.. after months of no positive contact with the past one it would make sense to do so.  However, I feel exactly the same as a year ago when I met her, and I will probably always feel this way.  I am always objective and honest, even when it is not in my favor.  The fact is that my heart has felt a love that touched me to the core, and I will continue to have that impact to influence me in my days ahead.  That is not a bad thing.  There has always been that question... is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.  I can tell you that I have loved at different times, and each has had value and importance to me.  However, there can be times when you are in so much harmony that it becomes a part of your soul for life, and that has happened to me.  If I remain single but having appreciation for the love that I felt, that would be much better than trying to rush into anything else to cover it up, and the integrity of my soul will not allow it.

So... being a person that has always valued truth in fact and feeling, I am bound to acknowledge that the last year did in fact have an impact on me that will remain, and I am more than willing to give it the space that it has earned. 

Happy... Halloween

Just finished Agatha All Along's first season.  I won't give spoilers, but it is very good.... sad... but good.  Thus, the ... between Happy and Halloween in the blog title, too.  I've repeatedly talked about the value of darkness and struggles in my posts.  You often need those dark places.  

I will give one non spoiler quote to this effect from the final episodes.  One person was struggling, and another started to rush over to help and Agatha said, "Don't rob her of her struggle."  I think that only goes so far, and you SHOULD help those in need.  However, recently, I've also reflected on many in society that feel life should come to them on a platter and sees every difficulty as an attack.  Sometimes... it's just hard.  Sometimes, evil things just happen, which IS a theme in both Agatha and Wandavision it came from.  When we ignore that and whine about everything that's difficult, we are wasting time we have to do something about it or more often just create something new.  But, FIRST, you have to face reality, which is the scariest thing you'll do this Halloween.  

Life can be scary, but so can we.  We have everything we need to solve our problems.  However, it is easy to feel overwhelmed. When I do, I close my eyes, take a breath, slow my pace, and with a clearer head and determination take the next steps forward, and that's often all we need to rise and begin.

May your Halloween effectively reveal the truth you need to find your path on the other side.

Fish in a Tree

I've noted the quote several times, so this will just be a chorus harmony.

"Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."

It is falsely attributed to Einstein, but who cares who actually said it.  It's true.

For most of my life, I have been criticized or condemned for being am independent minded person.  I've often said that TRUTH is the real god, and all deities must bow to it.  I approach the world in a factual and logical fashion like spock from Star Trek.  It is or it isn't.   It is that it is, and it isn't that it isn't.  I'm mature enough to recognize that fiction can also be truth... a false message can have true effect.  However, ultimately, even gods are judged by their participation in human life or absence, thereof.

Being this kind of INFJ person can be difficult.  Most love to ascribe to political parties or religious sects, so when I point out logical problems, it tends to isolate me from them.  So... you could assume I was broken... defective.  However, as it turns out, those qualities are ideal for an auditor... my new job.  Indeed, you could accurately compare the devil to being God's auditor, or humans that dared to question him like Abraham or others.  My experience is that God likes to be challenged, and it's one more log on the fire that Lucifer never actually "fell" but is serving the purpose for which he was created and given access to God's wisdom... to challenge not only God's actions but that of his followers which DEFINITELY needs challenging.

Most are not mature enough to receive that, but I will leave you with this and a quote.  Be yourself.  Don't judge yourself by others.  They have a different story.  You can't understand theirs, and they won't understand yours.  Be the best you that you can be.

"The best way to predict your future is to create it." Stephen Covey

Value

"You get a wonderful view from the point of no return." Making Money 

This will be a pretty long post, but. as I sit listening to the wonderful rumble of thunder on a half day off, it is a good way to fill the time.  I've been reading Making Money by Terry Pratchett this week.  Well.. I began reading it in May in Florida from the library there, but I had to return it without the time to get far into it.  However, it kept nagging at the back of my brain that I needed to finish it.  So, I checked out the audiobook and finished it, this week.  Off and ok, I've shared some quotes on social media, but this will be things not shared or shared incompletely.  It solves several personal misalignments and.. I think  .. is good for everyone to consider.

"What is the value of a gold coin,  compared to the dexterity of the hand that holds it?" Making Money

There is a lot of discussion among characters in the book about the value of... well... value.  At one point, the trickster hired to build the bank explains that a sack of potatoes is more valuable to someone on an island that is hungry than a bag of gold.  He sets out to explain and to create a system of paper currency, based on the government and not the gold in a vault.  He explains you don't need the gold, if others accepted dollars as value without it.

This leads to a series of assumptions and concepts that challenges a whole series of my own foundational concepts.. a challenge, as it seems... needed challenging.  

I'm someone that my core is based on fact and truth, and that remains the case.  But, even before resuming this book, I acknowledged in a post in recent weeks that SENTIMENT adds value to something that is not present in the bare bones of fact.  A neighborhood is meaningful to one person for different reasons, while it is just old buildings, streets, people.  That is true... even if in absolute provable fact, it is not.

A lot has happened in the course of my life over the last years to change me and what I believed was important to be happy.  I've lost jobs, a marriage, family, and many assets along the way.  In a very systematic way, things of personal value was stripped away from me, and I gradually... kicking and screaming along the way.. learned that happiness could exist in simplicity without all those things... and that I could rebuild my life in a different way, much like hanged Albert Spangler becoming the respected Moist that saved the post office and later the bank.  It wasn't the facts of his experience or the presence of wealth that did so.  It was the understanding that value is something you could create... become... if you had the confidence to do so.

"Indeed..a copy of something that does not exist.  One can only assume it is authentic in every respect." Making Money 

Here's where some of my perceptions changed.  I've for a very long time hated fake people and attempts of people to change their appearance and become more attractive.  It's not just others.  For a very long time, I wore glasses, after wearing contacts to once be a model and to attract people in dating and such.  I wanted them to love me for me and not appearance.  If that sounds very recent, it's been a recent opinion, as well.  But... it's wrong.

Fact is (there's a truth to it)... people like illusion.  They want to be seen a certain wah, and others want to see them that way.  Dating apps... and people just in clubs.. are full of those presenting the best image lf themselves... employed well, pretty, strong, wealthy, sexual, empathetic, and much more.  There's some truth to it, but it's a mask.  Then, people get to know someone and see they are really less iconic or attractive, when the mask comes off in real life.  Problems arise as people feel deceived or like they didn't know the flaws as well as the good parts, even as they hid so much of themselves, as well.  But... why should that change things?  Perception... as the book teaches.. is reality.  If people want to continue to get willingly deceived, it can be a very happy life.  It doesn't help when the deceivers stop making an effort to maintain the illusion, though.

"I know you're not a man to be influenced by money, but the raise might be worth considering by a man contemplating a change in his domestic arrangements." Making Money 

I accept some blame in this regard.  Sometimes.. often.. situations made it difficult to maintain the illusion, and sometimes I did it out of unrequited gestures.  I gave up a house and a job to assist a romantic interest.. only to lose material attractiveness.  I moved to Florida to be near my child, only to have to work so hard I had less time with the child and less gifts for them, as well.  Had I kept my house, my job, and stayed in a less expensive environment so that I had more money, my entire life that followed would have been easier and more accepted and admired by others.

Image... is... value.  Perception is value.  When you remove the perception of value, you remove value itself.  Despite my railing against wealth...and I still DO dislike the accumulation that takes from others.. the existence of wealth and success.. or the perception of it.. MUST exist to give others the drive to improve themselves.  The greed of wanting more is the backbone of giving life meaning.. whether that be wealth or more... friends, likes, sex... whatever.  In the Great and Powerful Oz movie, we learned the illusion of a great wizard gave people hope to want to be better, and my own criticism of religion is rebuffed by the understanding that that illusion.. like any other in society like Santa Claus or sports or porn or more.. can give people meaning to rise and enjoy their otherwise... barebone factually mundane lives.  It's like people attacking the trans people or gay and lesbian... why rob them of reason to live?  Indeed, in one episode of Sandman, a man with power removes illusion and dreams from a café, and the end of that episode is everyone dead.  Dreams... are empowering illusions.

So... my life is not over.  It has just changed.  I can rebuild, but to take a lesson from Moist that means putting on a better show... BECOMING and projecting value, and that show will invariably lead to a much happier life.

Sentimental Meaning

Today, I was driving on my deliveries, and I thought of something that is a worthy counter point to my logical and analytical approach to things, lately.  First, I must say that my focus on reason and logic has been and is a steady influence in the face of a lot of disorder and things that could cause fear, if it was allowed.  So, I am grateful for the reasoned approach and will let it continue to guide my decision making for the most part.  That said, there is a counter point to be said that is true in its own right.

As I was driving, I was enjoying looking around at the building and more that I have seen for a long time, prior to returning, here.  It's not just the memories.  It's familiarity and a personal connection to those roads and places and such.  But, as I was driving and looking, it occurred to me that if you DIDN'T have the memories and my preferences and more, it could just be seen as a run down city in places and a building that I think has quaint charm could be seen as just... an old building.  

I haven't been watching the new Dr Who season, as I feel it has betrayed many canons of traditional Dr Who show and more, but I have kept up with reading the plots of the shows from time to time.  One of the most recent episodes has the Dr saying that someone has meaning because we believe they have meaning.  WE give them meaning by our choice to ascribe it to them.  I can apply that, here.  The city has a LOT of meaning to me, even though at the core it's just... a city.  A job is just a job.  A person is just a biological human.  Etc.  The mechanics of truth is bare and cold in a large part.  You can look at a sunset and just talk about the process of how the light is made and our eyes receive it.  Or... you can say what a pretty sunset it is and relax in the assessment.

I do believe there is a truth to this and a purpose for it in things like romance, too.  I have a long experience of giving meaning to such that was overlooked, misunderstood, or rejected by others that were calculating on value based on things that were really just excuses for someone looking for an out.  However, a rose is not just a rose, if it is given with meaning.  A touch.  A hug.  A smile.  All of these can be attributed to the mechanics of doing it, but MEANING has very little to do with procedure.

I do NOT want this to be used to overlook toxic conditions or to paint rosey pictures where non such exists, but I do think a bleak boil down to fact and evidence can indeed miss the point of living.  Sometimes, you just have to let yourself pretend and find meaning in your days, even when things are not there.  It can be the fuel to help you create more of that in your day to day life and in the lives of others.  And, if someone IS living a little pretense or even truth to them, such as trans people or more.  Why not let them live it, in a world that may be dark for them living the way others would have them live.  Thought that is worth noting in this LGBTQ month.

Dark Light pt 2

I wanted to pick up and continue the Dark Light post theme from several posts back.  And, no.. I do not plan to use this post to address the most recent actions of my ex, even though it certainly qualifies.  I'm keeping this more of a general post, as it actually applies to many things in my life and the lives of others, so I won't cheaper it by making it singular.  It's something I've been wanting to post for a few weeks, so.. here goes.

The saying is that Light is revealing and darkness fears the light.  I've found the reverse to actually be more true in reality.  Does that sound odd?  You might be saying... how can darkness reveal something, if it is dark?  Actually, it does is very effectively.

Consider... you enter a relationship and money is flowing and gifts are coming and all is well, and you KNOW the other person loves you... til the money stops flowing or time is limited or more. Pressure rises, and they turn on you or run away.  Darkness revealed what the light could not.

Or, maybe, it's a job that becomes something you did not see, after they found leverage against you.  Or, it could be hopes or dreams that come face to face with raw power and control.  Or, perhaps it is career choices or lifestyle choices that change when you are faced with the darkest days in them.

The reality is that REALITY cannot truly be known without struggle.  Until that point, a mutually allowed deception does just fine.  People tend to really love their rose colored glasses. I'd advise against it when considering long lasting things like marriage or money decisions.  Until you've "been in the trenches" with those things, you really don't know anything.

So, once again, I want to praise darkness for showing more truth than is often found in the light, though many won't have the honesty to admit it to their detriment.