Forward to Happiness: needs

Showing posts with label needs. Show all posts

Charity

I am not someone to promote or use the that much, because I understand that the original text was written in another language and more modern versions more closely match our language usage to be understood. However, I will reference KJV for a passage, today, because in this case it does make a case for understanding the original text better. The text is the , ..

"1Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. 2And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing. 3And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing. 4Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, 5doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; 6rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; 7beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. 8Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away. 9For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. 10But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away. 11When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 12For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. 13And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity."

This is the first version of the Bible that I came to read as a child. It took me years to first learn that the correct modern word was and not charity. But, our language uses the word love for a lot of things, so it can lose its meaning a little. But, I like thinking of it in the light of charity, as well. Why?

I work at a that does work to help the poor. It took me a little period of adjustment coming from the world of for profit accounting in to understand that while it is important to be wise and circumspect in how you manage and use your money, making money was not the goal. Being noticed and honored was not the goal. was the goal. That is generally what we think about charities.. what we demand, actually. They should not be trying to get rich but money given to charity should go mostly to actually helping other people simply because they have a need.

A lot of my life in general and definitely recently has been being done with tha.t understanding and application. I see a need, and I do what I can to help. It isn't done so that I get anything back or to be noticed but simply to meet the need. It definitely isn't done as a romantic gesture, as charity is not . Romance in my view is two people choosing each other and taking actions to be romantic towards each other on . One is not dependent upon the other, which would make it more of a puppet situation. Charity is to meet the needs of the world, and I try my best to bring that into my own world, within the boundaries of understanding that I must not sacrifice my own needs or in the process.

So, I just thought that was worthy of sharing, and I hope it benefits you reading and your world. We can definitely benefit to see more charity in our days, these days.

How Are You Doing?

Good evening. How is your evening going? Where do you find yourself this weekend? I am being real in asking. I have been though a lot in my life, and I have learned a lot in my life. I am not going to pretend that I understand your particular situation or have all the solutions to your situation. I just know that so many times in my life I felt that I was alone with no answers and more importantly no one that cared. I want you to know that I care. I won't pretend to have divine omiscience or to project a generic care for all of mankind that therefore applies to you. What I CAN tell you is that I am in a particular time period in my story that I am undistracted and empatheic and feels capable and interested in helping others that is in a difficult time.

So... message me or email me if you have a difficult need that you don't feel you can tell anyone else. I will do my best to help, if I can. At worst, I will listen. So, I am here, if you need me. Email writingken@yahoo.com.

Be True to You

I want to step back to note something I noted weeks ago and has not ceased to be true but was not the most recent focus. I was covering it, back when I was talking about boundaries a lot, and I think it bears repeating. One of the first things that you need to do is take time to learn about yourself and what you need, and then you need to establish limits upon yourself to make sure you fulfill those needs.. and that is called . Sometimes, that is boundaries to preserve your money or your time. However, if you did take the time to learn about yourself, those boundaries must keep those realities in mind.

I have spent a lot of time talking about in recent weeks, as I have been making strides in that process, myself. However, there is a difference between and becoming of what they would like you to be for them. If you were to go down that path and curtail your own neeeds just to gain favor of someone else or set aside your needs for the wants or needs of others, you would find yourself right back into the same that has so often collapsed, in your past.

For example, I have been focusing on and the brain to guide your steps, and that is a much more successful guide than emotions that can lead you astray. HOWEVER, that has not and will not change the fact that in any that I will have, there must be an and flirting and care and more, or I would see no reason to be in such a relationship. My focus on reason is not a substitute or acceptable alternative to me. It is a guard to move me forward UNTIL such time as I feel safe to open up to . I will not drop that guard, until that time and location so presents itself. Until then, I will focus on other needs and see them done.

So, this blog post is a reminder that the first place to start in is to first determine what it is that you need to be happy. Then, you make step by step moves in a plan to get you to where you can find a , be balanced and happy on your own, and wait til and if something comes along that does meet your needs. To do anything else is just to that lead you to the same outcomes, again and again.

Challenging My Emotional Foundations

I noted this on my social media a few days ago and said I would be blogging about it when I had a little more time and mental capacity to do it right. However, recently, I have been taking aim at my own perceptions from the past in regards to the role of emotions and seeing things differently than I used to see them.

First of all, I want to lead off by saying that I am not saying there is not a place for emotions and romantic gestures and actions by all involved. I don't believe that a connection without those things is a romantic relationship and could just be friendship. I am a roommate with someone and am not in a relationship with her. We handle day to day things by agreement, have conversations, and help each other out from time to time. None of that makes it a relationship. And, in a few months I will be moving out, and it will not be taking an emotional tole. Romantic relationships must have romance in it by both sides.

HOWEVER, to counter the importance of that and my own prior perceptions regarding the role of feelings, I have been asking some hard questions. Some people will probably agree with my challenge, while others may agree with my old view that I am challenging. Nevertheless, here we go.

Is it possible that what I felt was true love was actually signs of psychological needs, instead? And, the feeling of completeness was simply feeling those needs satisfied and not necessarily something mutual? When I was feeling the need for closeness, was that a sign of not feeling balanced in myself. When I was wanting support and comlements, was that the need for validation? When I was changing to please them, was that my fearing loss?

I can go on, and I don't have any answers to this. But, I am feeling more and more balanced on my own as a single person, lately, and more able to have a happy life on my own. As I am doing so, I find I have less of those old needs and that makes me wonder if they were actually healthy in a relationship. I do know that if I get into one in the future, it will look differently. I will want time on my own to do things on my own without my partner. I will not be bending my preference all the time but stating it and doing it if I feel the need. That would be a true partnership, and I feel that is one I am not sure I have ever had.

So, anyways, I wanted to put this out there for others to consider, as well.

The Necessity of Being Selfish

I touched on it in my social media, but I am going to take a running thrust into it in this post. Do you feel like my recent messages about erecting boundaries on what you will give to others will make you a selfish person? Congrats. You got the message. Now, do you feel like that is a bad thing? Only in excess...

Consider for a moment your finances. I have spent too many years over my life living right down to the wire. Sometimes, it came from me giving too much to others for their needs and nothing left for myself. Sometimes, it was because the money just wasn't there for a long time, or there were things that came along to take it away. Indeed, these examples are exactly why it is important to be selfish. But, let me go ahead and get more specific.

In 2023, I was working in a decent paying accounting job in Florida. Even before that I was making pretty good money delivering food with Doordash and Ubereats in between accounting jobs. However, I got this job, and it looked like it was going to be a good deal. But, the day of the interview, it stormed really bad, and the power literally went out as I was in the interview. I got out to my car, and it had a flat tire. I changed the tire, and drove it home. The car place that I went to to replace the tire used a lift that broke my car door. And, I was having to pay for a rental car to get to work, while waiting 3 weeks for my first paycheck. Then, my car needed repairs, and I had to use credit for those repairs. But... eventually, fiances worked out to balance and life was deceent.. tight as I was paying those credit bills... but decent. Then, I got a retina tear, which became a retina detachment, and I was left unable to work in the recovery period for a month. After that, I could go back to work, but it didn't fully heal, and it required a second operation and another month without pay. I couldn't keep putting work through all of that, so I went back to delivery, til I knew things has stabilized. I could go into more details of other things happening in that time, but this is enough to illustrate my point. I was forced to endure two periods of not being able to work for a month at a time, and I had thousands of dollars in auto repairs that had to be done, while my pay was delayed. It destroyed my finances and led to great hardship on my social links, as well. Not having a savings account, due to periods of self sacrifice and other things, led to personal struggle. I was at least lucky that at the time no one was depending on my income, but what if they were.

If you fail to set yourself as a priority in your own life and keeping a decent amount of your own extra income for yourself in a savings, you can find yourself being similarly down to the wire and worried about paying for food or rent. I am reminded of the biblical story of the profit that told a king to save up and store up food and more, because hardship was coming. Then, when it came, the kingdom survived. You cannot continue to live with your country debt higher than you income.. hint hint.. and that is true of personal income, as well.

So, yes, it is important to work hard and earn what you can. But, it is also important to stop giving it away all the time. Give, yes... but the FIRST thing you should be giving is your own storehouse. I have many future plans that will require a budget to make happen. Yet, I have seen in recent months that I am spending too much, both on activities (which I will continue to do but less) and for other people that will not even be in my life in the years to come. I have come to the crystal clear understanding that the FIRST responsibility of myself is the same as everyone else.. to themselves. And, that has led me into the boundaries that will continue the rest of my life.

Does that mean I will not give to others in my life? Will I be stingy for romantic partners or others? No. But, I will not be self sacrificing, either, when it comes to my own future needs. Indeed, being selfish is not only good for me but for others that will rely upon me. At any time, there could be auto repairs, health needs, lost work, or more. What happens to those that are expectant on my income at that time? What happens when I decide to retire and have no retirement? Do I expect others to provide for me? No.. it is not their place. It is MY place and responsibility. If I face need from any of the above, what will those around me be saying at that time? They will be saying.. why didn't you take care of your own finances or health or more? So... do not check with them when you provide time and money for those things, now.

I know this will ruffle the feathers of others, but the largest group of those that will be offended are those that do not know what it is like to live without. I have much experience in that arena, actually. So, MY advice to you is that you follow the wisdom of Poor Richard (Benjamin Franklin) who said in the Way of Wealth..

"If you would be wealthy think of saving as well as getting.

"God helps those that help themselves."

"When the well is dry, they will know the worth of the water."

"For age and want, save while you may; no morning sun last the whole day"

What I Want in a Relationship

I'm doing a 2nd blog post in the day, but I have all the pieces of it that came together in my mind, so I want to get it down, before I lose track of what all I wanted to say. I wanted to do a blog post about what it is that I am wanting in a relationship. I have only said pieces in passing, here and there, and I feel that it is important to make it known. It is a good time for me to do this blog post, because I am not in a relationship and have not been in one for almost 10 months. This post will not be a strike back on anyone in the past, because I have grown and changed, and even back then I didn't speak up about my own needs enough or stand on them, so I cannot blame anyone else for failing to respect them. I also failed back then in respecting the needs of them and others, further back, so I am not claiming to be perfect either. I liked that time, and I am ready to move on.. so I don't want this to be about that. It's about me... who I am at present and what I want going forward. It also should not be seen as a prescription pad that must be followed to a T or a checklist for anyone to follow or seen as a job requirements list. Again, it isn't about anyone else. I simply want to state what is important to ME in a relationship, because I do not make that known, enough.

My own tastes have changed over the decades, as I learned more about myself and what I like and do not like and need to be happy. There are many "love languages" as they would say or ways of expression of care, and not all of them can be received by all kinds of people. That isn't to say that they are not important or would not be valued by the right people, but I think we spend too much time trying to force someone we like to speak our love language and appreciate what they are not born to see as love. For example, many do not speak our or communicate their love for another, choosing instead to do acts of service. Except, I do service all day long.. for the needy, for my work, for my friends, etc. I don't get voiced appreciation for that but rather expectation, so while I do not expect anyone to do anything for me it is also not something that is necessarily meaning love but could simply mean they thought of you or maybe even that they just had extra of something and didn't want it to go to waste. The point being, you cannot interpret acts to mean love, always.

I am a touchy kind of person, and I love to hold hands with my romantic one and hold them. I miss that. So, someone that appreciated that would be needed, and one that could return it when I am least expecting it would be sensational. I mentioned how I like to communicate my love, and someone that can communicate it to me would get my attention, a lot. If I am in a situation where I cannot express my love, then that love turns on itself and becomes despair and depression. I want someone that can hold intellectual conversations with me or watch a romantic flick with me, but I don't want someone that is subservient to me. I want someone that is independent enough to challenge me, because then when they choose me, it actually means that they choose ME and is more worthwhile.

There is a phrase that I used to have on my dating apps (which I WILL be using in the coming weeks, because I do not believe in friends becoming something more but that relationships have a different skill set and development track). The phrase was ...

“I believe that the 4 most important ingredients in a relationship are loyalty, empathy, gratitude, and good old fashioned flirting. I believe a relationship is two people trying to make the other person smile. I believe that shared interests are nice but the important part is shared interest in each other. I believe in learning from the past but leaving it in the past and seeing each other as a new adventure.”

I believe all of those are still true for me, as well. I think the only thing I would add to all of the above is that it cannot all be initiated by me. If someone cannot participate in initiating things at times, I will not even entertain it, going forward. I will also need someone that can respect my own needs and boundaries and allow me to live my life in my way... not to say there won't be concessions or things done for them, at times. But, I will not become another person, ever again.

Ok. I think that is enough for now, but I wanted to make all of that known.

What Boundaries Protect

As with many other things that I take the time to process and think through on my own, there are going to be a lot of people that don't get it or understand, as well as others that are like... FINALLY, he's getting it. But, I don't do my processing for pleasing either group. Sometimes, it takes people a little longer to get there, but they need that time to get there. Rushing them there can have them miss important steps in development, along the way.

So, I wanted to do another post about what it is that boundaries are meant to protect. This isn't a new concept to my point, just an element within it that explains why boundaries are important. Boundaries that you erect to keep you from giving too much of yourself does not mean that you are not going to want to give. I am about to go give my time to a charity, this morning. That is a part of who you are as a person should be one thing that you protect with your boundaries, as well. However, it can and should be limited such that it does not prevent you from fulfilling your other needs, too.

What boundaries are meant to protect in my mindset is the lifestyle and life that you deserve and desire. This cannot be done giving too much to things that grow in need, due to their reliance upon you. You have to balance all of your needs. Do you desire to give gifts to family? Do you desire to go to baseball games and needs of entertainment? Do you desire to read or to puzzle or to get fit or something else? Do you desire to find a romantic partner and live a romantic life? Whatever it is that you have in your mind that will be important for you to be able to be happy, you need to budget your money and your time in order to make sure you have the ability to do them. And, that will require you to say no.

Saying no is not easy to me, but it is something I am getting better at doing the more that I am practicing my boundaries. When I decide to do something for myself, that does not mean that I need to give that experience to others around me. They should be providing for their own experiences. Some, I can include, if that is such that it fits my own goals and is appropriate. There are many things that are done only as couples. In the course of my processing in the last year, I thought... why can't people that are just friends do this or that in a non romantic way. And, truly, it is possible that those involved can keep the correct mentality about the sharing of the events (though that needs to be done actively), but what I am discovering is that everywhere you go others will automatically assume you are a couple, even if you are not. So, it doesn't matter what you believe to keep the right impression. Unless you want to keep explaining everywhere you go, you must set boundaries on what you will do with friends, as well. And, when they are reserved for your special future someone, it will BE special, as it once was with another.

But, to get back to my point, boundaries protect YOU and your ability to BE you and to live the life that you desire with those that you desire in the way that you desire. Give, but the first person to whom you should give is yourself being given the chance to have the life that you deserve to be living towards the happiness that you desire.

What is Love

Now, I have that song playing through my head... what is love... baby, don't hurt me.

But, what IS love, and how can we know if it is true? There are many different interpretations, and I am not about to assume authority to tell you what love is. It means different things for different people in different attachment and personality styles. All are valid. But, I can describe what I believe love is for myself and some general concepts for observation of it.

What is LOVE... well the bible says of love...

" 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Cor 13 in the Bible.

Jesus says it is the Sum of the Law of God and the standard by which we are to live our lives, first to ourselves and then to others.

What is love to you, though?

To me, love is something that I give.. pretty much without control. I see a need. I care for the need. I give for the need. I see someone that I think is special. I say they are special. I admire their qualities.

Love isn't really hard to do... but you DO have to DO it, or else it isn't love (as love is a verb) but is simply a theory for you. Here's a hint. Love doesn't do well when judged by logic. It doesn't make sense and is not prosperous. That isn't the goal. I cannot count the times in my life that I chose the path of love for those that would reject me and which would bring me further poverty or lack for my giving. But, I wouldn't change a single act or day of those moments.

When people say that they are "in love" what they often mean is that they feel really good about themselves. Sorry to be so course, but that is the fact. Their hormones are pumping, and they are exited about being able to be liked by someone else. They are NOT actually thinking how they can help this person or give to them in need... you know.. the qualities of love. Then, the emotions fade, and hard times come. Suddenly, it isn't fun anymore. THAT is the EXACT MOMENT that you know if the love is real. And, true love is worth it.

So, my hope of this post is not that you find love. My hope is that you LOVE. Whether or not others can receive it, is is the one good thing that we can bring into the world to create, and I hope that you will weild it to create a happy future for yourself.

Dark Chronicles Act 17: A "Lazy" Poor Testimony of Care

Despite the fact that I shouldn't have to do this post, it is becoming more and more apparent that I must. It shouldn't be necessary, because people should have enough sense and experience to see otherwise, but sense seems limited and experience only serves to exclude the wise from the inexperienced's echo chambers. As such, this must be a Dark Chronicles post, as well.. even though it really should not be.

When it first began to circulate, I thought that it wasn't worth refuting, because I didn't believe that anyone would buy into it. But, preachers and rich politicians kept repeating the same fallacy... if someone was poor, they were choosing to be poor, because they were lazy. And, so.. the mythology grew and grew. Now, we find ourselves in a state of government affairs that the fallacy is literally affecting the life AND DEATH of many millions of families. So, I must speak out. On what grounds can I speak out? I have lived much of my life as one of those "lazy" poor, and I think it is high time that I told you how I was made poor and what it meant for others.. so I will give a few examples from my own life.

A long time ago, after I had left the military and was homeschooling an ADHD child at the suggestion of her school, my wife at the time had the first of several post partum psychotic breaks with the birth of our second child. My ex wife of that time was the primary earner with my support, so when that happened we were left without any money, a disabled adult, and a baby to raise. So, for the next few years, I would make things work by borrowing over with my student loans over tuition to cover living expenses for graduate schooling, while I did all the child rearing and household duties. There was no income other than student loans, which left me with a huge student loan debt to cover. So, for that decade, I was not working, yet both my children benefited from my activities, as well as my ex wife.

Later, I would be a single dad that was trying to make things work, raising both of my kids, after another of my ex's mental breaks. In order to do so, I had to pay for after school daycare, during the time that I worked, and I was paying for my older child's college expenses, as she had failed out of college and needed to get good grades to get back her aid.. which ultimately would be accomplished. So, I was being financially tapped out, but .. again.. both of my children benefited from the sacrifices.

There have been other periods of my life.. both single and in relationships.. where I was living on food stamps, due to being between jobs or dealing with life and health challenges, as well. Indeed, for a long while after both of my children, I was poor while paying for the expenses that came from having the BABY.

But, it's not always acts of sacrifice for others. Sometimes, it can just be a bad turn of health or luck. I have faced health challenges at times. I would spend over 6 months not being able to work full time, due to having multiple retina eye surgeries and recovery time. In that time, I had to not only not work but tap out retirement plans and sell things just to pay for food and bills... and not all of my bills was covered in that time, leading to credit challenges to overcome, later as well.

My story is not exceptional. It is common. The poor are not poor by choice. I remember just how hard it was to swallow my pride to seek food stamp benefits, the first time. Many facing health challenges feel like they are broken and a failure... simply for being in need. And, it is at THIS point that others that do not face their challenges judge them, call them lazy, and cut off their funding. I don't blame them for their anger in this time for this reality. Countless kings have lost their heads... literally.. for similar acts of lack of empathy. Though, I would call for the poor to be patient. All they are doing it defining themselves, so let them. The poor vote, and the seeds they are sowing will come to fruit, soon enough.

I hope that my story will cause a few to rethink the narrative that they are being fed, though I am experienced enough to know that it will probably be ignored by those that feel unaffected and want to fit into their groups. Just know.. you are living on fiction, not fact. Others around you have needs, and if you are not helping those in need, you really have no business deciding whether others can do so, as well.

Life Happens

A long time ago, a popular car bumper sticker and T-shirt said, “Sh.t happens”… with all the letters but running a blog, here… ha. The point was to say that you can’t always control what happens in your life. That is repeated a lot out there, including a coffee cup I picked up when I worked in the kitchen and home department of a Dillards. I like it better… LIFE happens, because it’s often the story we all face in varying degrees. The Bible puts it that the rain falls on the just and the unjust. We all have struggles, but we don’t have to let them define us… nor rob us of happiness that can be happening at the same time.

I am in the middle of a challenge that hit me, and for a little while I let it define me… rob me. I mean.. I didn’t completely cut myself off from the outside world, and my time with others helped me escape the bottoms of depression, but I did touch on depression and let it have a bigger hold on me than it should have had. True.. in the Maslow pyramid of needs, I was hitting base levels, as my very safety and physiological needs of having a place to live was at risk.. I am going to be out of work and do not have a savings to withstand that… haven’t had the ability since the divorce and move down here in the pandemic and restarting my life, rebuying things, dealing with car problems, finding jobs, and etc happened. Luckily, that is now covered, so I can spend less time in that area of the pyramid and more in things like belonging and love, esteem, and self actualization that needed and needs attention. But, you can’t think about love and etc freely when you’re worried about base needs.

But, now, I’m turning my attention more to those things. I will have several weeks to build on those things. My self esteem definitely needs some work, though I think that will be easier. I have developed that over years since the divorce, so it’s just a matter of re-inspiration and not letting others define me. My self of belonging and love is.. I think.. best sourced in friends. If you are trying to find love AND validation or belonging, it is too easy to just go with anyone that makes you feel good about yourself and not what is wise. I was married over my life twice to two people that didn’t give back romance or express love to me, just because they accepted mine. I won’t do that, again. I will be valued by my mate. I will work to get worthy of their affection, but I won’t be a consolation prize or THEIR self esteem booster. I will be their prize, or I will be happy being single.

But, moving off love and relationships, happiness in general is not found in waiting till or if everything goes great. I recently saw a YouTube video of a neurodivergent girl giving a speech, and she said…

“Listen to me. You have to stop putting conditions on your happiness. Boo. Don’t do that.. saying I’m gonna be happy when or I’m gonna be happy if. That’s dumb. Don’t do that. Here’s why.. you’re waiting for a perfect life where you have no flaws and everything in your life is just going well. Well, let me tell you something. That’s never gonna happen. Sorry. You are a human. That means you have flaws, and your life is gonna have flaws. Nothing is ever gonna be perfect.. ok? So, just choose happiness. Be at peace with your imperfect existence, because that’s all you’re ever gonna have.”

That’s a good way to end this. Life happens. But, that doesn’t mean happiness can’t happen with it.