What Do You Have to Lose

I had the idea for this post last night, but I was too tired to put it down into words.  Work has been very busy, lately, and will be for a little while more.  But, the pause allowed me time to see an episode of the new Elle series that fits into it, as well.  So there is my bright side to the dark in that.

Without going into much detail at all, I'll just say that much of my last several years has been very hard and has included a lot of loss.  For the most part, I have kept a positive attitude about it and have seen and wrote about the importance of finding the benefit in the darkness and learning more about yourself.

One of the things that I learned in my years is how much I can overcome, which gives me confidence for each new challenge.  It's like my time in the military, when training puts you under extreme stress, so you learn that you can actually stand on your own and not only survive but thrive.

But, one thing that I have also learned about those dark times of struggle is this... the more that you lose, the less you have to lose.  The less you have to lose, the more you are free to do whatever you want to do for yourself, and that allows you to honestly explore and learn to enjoy who you really are.

In the Elle eposide, she wants to be friends with a girl that asks her why she likes her.  Elle couldn't come up with a reason at that point.  Later, she tells her that she likes that she doesn't care what anyone else thinks and wants her to tell Elle how to do that.

In one part, Elle asks her to bring her her spare outfit, because she had wore the wrong thing to a party and was afraid that she would be the target of laughing and more.  The girl comes to Elle and tells her that she didn't bring the outfit, because she was showing her how to not care.  She tells Elle that at one point she has bought the outfit, because she liked the way that she looked in it and told her to not hide that but to flaunt that, instead.

So, that is my point for this post.  You are you.  You like you.  You may have lost everything like a classic Job tale, or you may just be hiding away yourself.  But, what do you really have to lose... people that don't like you, anyways?  So, own it.  Flaunt it.  Build yourself up from nothing in a way that YOU like, because in the end that is all you need and might be all that will accompany you on your journey the rest of your life.

Boundaries Examples

This will be short, but i wanted to explain and give examples of boundaries in your life and why it is important to have them.

It took until this year for me to understand that boundaries are not things we put on the actions of other people but on ourselves.  Many still don't get that.  A boundaries isn't saying that someone else should do or don't do this or that to please me.  A boundary literally says I will go this far and no more.   It is our BOUNDARY of effort, giving, doing, etc.   That will impact how and whether we choose to do things with or for others.  It is not an either or.  It can be yes, but.  It can be I'll help to this extent, but I will be faithful to my own needs, first.  It can be... that's a you activity or show to do without me,because I do not have an interest in it, without making conclusions about the value of the other person as a whole.  And, it can be.. you are a good person but not what I need for a close connection.

Those are just a few examples, but but the point is that you are looking our for your own needs and clearly communicating your limits, while making choices to support your own peace and happiness.   Because, in the end, that is our responsibility to ourselves to do.

The Necessity of Being Selfish

I touched on it in my social media, but I am going to take a running thrust into it in this post.  Do you feel like my recent messages about erecting boundaries on what you will give to others will make you a selfish person?  Congrats.  You got the message.  Now, do you feel like that is a bad thing?  Only in excess...

Consider for a moment your finances.  I have spent too many years over my life living right down to the wire.  Sometimes, it came from me giving too much to others for their needs and nothing left for myself.  Sometimes, it was because the money just wasn't there for a long time, or there were things that came along to take it away.  Indeed, these examples are exactly why it is important to be selfish.  But, let me go ahead and get more specific. 

In 2023, I was working in a decent paying accounting job in Florida.  Even before that I was making pretty good money delivering food with Doordash and Ubereats in between accounting jobs.  However, I got this job, and it looked like it was going to be a good deal.  But, the day of the interview, it stormed really bad, and the power literally went out as I was in the interview.  I got out to my car, and it had a flat tire.  I changed the tire, and drove it home.  The car place that I went to to replace the tire used a lift that broke my car door.  And, I was having to pay for a rental car to get to work, while waiting 3 weeks for my first paycheck.  Then, my car needed repairs, and I had to use credit for those repairs.  But... eventually, fiances worked out to balance and life was deceent.. tight as I was paying those credit bills... but decent.  Then, I got a retina tear, which became a retina detachment, and I was left unable to work in the recovery period for a month.  After that, I could go back to work, but it didn't fully heal, and it required a second operation and another month without pay.  I couldn't keep putting work through all of that, so I went back to delivery, til I knew things has stabilized. I could go into more details of other things happening in that time, but this is enough to illustrate my point.  I was forced to endure two periods of not being able to work for a month at a time, and I had thousands of dollars in auto repairs that had to be done, while my pay was delayed.  It destroyed my finances and led to great hardship on my social links, as well.  Not having a savings account, due to periods of self sacrifice and other things, led to personal struggle.  I was at least lucky that at the time no one was depending on my income, but what if they were.

If you fail to set yourself as a priority in your own life and keeping a decent amount of your own extra income for yourself in a savings, you can find yourself being similarly down to the wire and worried about paying for food or rent.  I am reminded of the biblical story of the profit that told a king to save up and store up food and more, because hardship was coming.  Then, when it came, the kingdom survived.  You cannot continue to live with your country debt higher than you income.. hint hint.. and that is true of personal income, as well.  

So, yes, it is important to work hard and earn what you can.  But, it is also important to stop giving it away all the time.  Give, yes... but the FIRST thing you should be giving is your own storehouse.  I have many future plans that will require a budget to make happen.  Yet, I have seen in recent months that I am spending too much, both on activities (which I will continue to do but less) and for other people that will not even be in my life in the years to come.  I have come to the crystal clear understanding that the FIRST responsibility of myself is the same as everyone else.. to themselves.  And, that has led me into the boundaries that will continue the rest of my life.  

Does that mean I will not give to others in my life?  Will I be stingy for romantic partners or others?  No.  But, I will not be self sacrificing, either, when it comes to my own future needs.  Indeed, being selfish is not only good for me but for others that will rely upon me.  At any time, there could be auto repairs, health needs, lost work, or more.  What happens to those that are expectant on my income at that time?  What happens when I decide to retire and have no retirement?  Do I expect others to provide for me?  No.. it is not their place.  It is MY place and responsibility.  If I face need from any of the above, what will those around me be saying at that time? They will be saying.. why didn't you take care of your own finances or health or more?  So... do not check with them when you provide time and money for those things, now.

I know this will ruffle the feathers of others, but the largest group of those that will be offended are those that do not know what it is like to live without.  I have much experience in that arena, actually.  So, MY advice to you is that you follow the wisdom of Poor Richard (Benjamin Franklin) who said in the Way of Wealth..

 "If you would be wealthy think of saving as well as getting.

"God helps those that help themselves."

"When the well is dry, they will know the worth of the water."

"For age and want, save while you may; no morning sun last the whole day"

 

Boundaries

Setting personal boundaries for myself is something that I have often struggled with, as I am a very giving person who has always seen it as a great value in making someone else happy.  So, I have so many times allowed myself to get in a situation where my own needs and wants are limited or hurting in order to make someone else feel at comfort or secure.  Then, as does often happen, when that situation eventually ends, I find myself having to start from scratch or low and build myself up, again.  This is why I meet people of similar age that have a huge savings, while I have little.  I can literally point to different people in my life over the decades (not just romantic partners) where that money went... people that no longer even speak to me.

And, that leads me to another point in the course of discussing why boundaries are so important.  Giving to another is usually greeted with immediate thanksgiving but over time becomes resentment.  But, even if that isn't the case, it does over time go from being something that is met with thanksgiving and instead is met with expectation.  Indeed, I have seen over the decades people that live on public aid become comfortable with that aid, and they stop trying to rise from it.  Don't get me wrong, I tend left on this issue and think aid should always be given to those in need and not always do people have the ability to rise from it, and all of that should be considered for how long they are on the aid.  However, like my examples from the past and observations, there IS a case to be made that giving to another can teach them to not give to themselves, which is actually a harm for us to teach them to have that expectation and lack of self care, because the ability to provide for oneself, no matter the difficulty, is a key to self confidence and self respect.  And, this applies to equality of genders as well, as we should not keep those benefits from women to have in their own lives and their own domain of control over their own lives.

So, even though I have been saying that you should always give, and that is the message that I want to feel and be in myself, it is not always the wise choice for course of action to take.  In the end, YOU are responsible for only one life, YOURS.  Give, but give after you have accounted for your own needs for your own goals, first.  That is not permission to set greedy and high asset goals, but if you are finding yourself always poor in the life of caring for others you are failing at the goal of self love and self care.  Also, it is impossible to pour out of an empty cup.  So, even if setting boundaries is difficult at times to do, it is a necessary thing to do, if you are ever to chart your way to your goals and have someone along side you that wants you to reach them. 

Follow Potential

We spend a very long time of our lives chasing shadows, don't we?  I know I definitely have.  In a recent Young Sherlock episode I watched, a character said that it's not that life is short but that we spend so much of it dking around.  I attribute that to hope, which is a good quality in small doses, but it is toxic if applied generously to unwarranted situations.

The Bible actually speaks on this a lot, even if those passages are often either ignored or twisted out of their on the face meanings.  Jesus calls us to observe the fruit of others, and an epistle says faith without works is dead.  There is a place for believing in something or someone above works, but ultimately there must be something observable for it to exist.  Scientists don't go about saying... well there's no observable sign but we're gonna believe it's there.  Accountants don't do that, either.

In my opinion, you are best to follow potential and ignore situations without it.  If someone isn't trying to show you they care and even moreso tells you not to try, believe them.  Follow their direction and move on.  Someone else is waiting to show you that attention and effort.  Besides, how could it ever last without the watering of affection and nourishment that even plants require.

So, I don't chase what doesn't show potential, anymore.  I keep my head held high, knowing my worth, and walk on.  Whether something better comes along or not, the observable fact is that you can't lose what isn't even there.  Clear your mind of that delusion and keep moving forward.

Happy Valentines to You

I will give this my best shot.  I wanted to do a good piece for this weekend, and then wham.. spent most of the day fighting off a one day (hopefully) virus that left me without energy or clarity of mind to write something.  Then, there was the periodic emotional waves that I had to allow to flow through and depart without action.  It is important to feel the emotions and learn from them, but it is not good to let them direct you, always.  But, this post is not going to be about my romantic past or future.  It is only going to be about the greatest romance that you should ever have in your life... with yourself.

People will spend so much of their lives thinking about others and analyzing themselves to see how they can be a better version of themselves to please others.  I know.. I lived like that way more years of my life than I care to admit.  However, not only is that a misuse of time, it is also ineffective in the goal of finding others that will like YOU.  How are they going to like you, if you don't even know who you are.  How are they going to love you, if YOU don't love you. Thus, the romance that you have for yourself is the greatest romance, because it will not only be the most personal but will lead to all others.

The first step that you need to do is to learn about yourself.  How often do you meet someone and ask curious questions to get to know them.  I am generally an introvert, but I LOVE to get to know stories about others people.  I hate group settings, but I love to sit in quiet settings and ask questions and tell stories and connect with people.. not just romantic but in all kinds of human connections.  I have heard the most interesting stories and met the most interesting people that way.  Even recently, I learned things about my own town and others that I had no idea about and would not if I stayed in my little bubble.  That is why it is so important to make connections that are not like you.  However, similarly, we cannot know what we like if we stay in the pre-determined lives given to us by others and do not challenge ourselves to explore.  You also have to be willing to accept personal interests that are not popular or are even risque.  But, whatever it is, you have to take the time to learn what you like and then love yourself for liking them.

Once you have taken the time to get to know yourself and love yourself, the next part is easy.  All you have to do is shine.  All you need to do is allow others to see the warm smile that you feel in being and doing what it is that you like to be and do.  As you enjoy yourself and your life, that will attract others that also like those things, and it will turn off those that do not agree with your smile, thereby filtering out the wrong ones.

So, this Valentines, that is my own goal for myself and my wish for you.  BE YOU and be happy in being yourself.  LOVE yourself and others, and let the rest all work out around you as it should.  Be your own valentine.  You deserve the kind of love and acceptance that only you can give. 

You Are Valid

I wanted to bring together a few, among many, concepts that has been guiding principles in my life of late.  They have helped me keep a peaceful and steady march forward, and I think they are important to keep in mind in the minds of my readers, as well... no matter how your life may face.  They don't require a lot of talk, so this blog post will be rather short.

1.  First and to lead off with the topic of the post subject... you are valid.  Your feelings are valid.  Your personality is valid.  Your thoughts are valid.  Your way of doing things is valid.  Your life experience that led you to this point is also VERY valid... both the good and the bad.  Indeed.. I'll pause mid point here to note there is value in the bad and struggle.  I don't know if you are watching Fallout on TV, but there was a part in the season finale for this season that I won't give too much information about... but a character lost their dark side in a change that stripped them of their bad memories, and the person watching had tears in their eyes, knowing they had just lost the person they knew with the change.  But, to continue the point, You are valid, even if you are flawed.  Indeed, you are valid IN the flaws.  You don't have to be perfect to be worthy.  You are worthy, even as you are growing.  You are valid in your pains, and your pains are valid.  None of that changes any of your worth.  Indeed, it makes you worthy of a caring heart's response.

2.  People can be good and valid and not right for you for a relationship.  It is not right or wrong, good or bad, one or the other.  You don't have to judge someone as a bad person, just because they are not the kind of person that would work with you.  Indeed, if you know what you need and ignore it to get into a connection that ends badly, you are just as much to blame for that.  We all want to follow the heart, but the heart can get you into difficult or impossible situations.  There are many personality tests out there that will give you an idea of what you need to make you happy.  You need to enslave (strong word used for a purpose) your emotions to follow your needs.. either finding someone whose personality naturally works with yours or by agreement on both sides to respect the middle... though I am not sure that the latter actually exists.

3.  You need to stand your ground and make your choices to be happy.  No one else is going to be sacrificing their wants to make that happen for you all the time, and you should not be expecting others to provide it for you.  Your happiness is not their responsibility.  Their happiness is.  Your happiness is YOUR responsibility.  So, that means telling others no or wait or telling others what you want to do, even if it is not convenient for them.  If you do not get in this practice, it is very easy to lose yourself along the way. Get in the habit of saying what you want and doing what you need to be happy.  That doesn't mean that you cannot sacrifice and make choices to make others happy.  You should be doing that, as well.  But, you have to MAKE those moments happen that you enjoy, whether it be going for a photo walk in the cold, taking extra time to listen to music or do a puzzle, go shopping on your own, or... well.. making time to please yourself... ha.  I'm not that innocent minded.  Whatever it is, you have a responsibility to yourself, and you cannot delegate that or blame anyone else for your lack of doing it.

As always, I have more I could say, but that is enough for now.  I hope it helps. 

 

Some Recent Thoughts

I was going to take a full month off the blog and social media posts.  However, I am allowing myself to take steps back out into it with careful (attepting to be) posts and shares that apply what I am learning, since I don't expect to be fully healed or changed upon the end of a month's time, anyway.  Life is a process... a messy and divergent process, and I hope that I never lose the ability to learn and grow within it.  So, I wanted to cover a few concepts and thoughts that I have had in this time of silence, without giving any personal applications.  I will be keeping my personal life (beyond things like what I am watching, reading, seeing, and so on), not because of things happening that I want to keep quiet but because I don't need to HAVE things to share or need to seek approval.  I hope to carve out more and more of my personal joys that will never reach social media posts but to stay special, even if just a moment I have with myself.  But, there are some things that I can share in a general way that I feel may benefit others.

1.  Live in the present.  It is easy to find yourself reflecting on the past, and I find myself doing that daily.  However, I am trying more and more to live in the present... to BE present in the present.  In recent times, I have started taking pictures of sunsets and taking walks and doing things that I used to do but have been too distracted to look around and notice things that brings me joy or to do things that I know I will enjoy... or try things that I may enjoy.  

2.  Take your time.  Life is not a race.  You don't have to be "ready" or force your life to be at any stage or appear like anyone else may expect.  They don't know your story, and likely they really don't care about your pains or your life growth successes.  Many just want mutual validation, which is why so many will give you advice that so often sounds like it applies to their own life.  You can have good friends, and I hope that you do.  But, I would guess that those friends would say what I am telling you now.  Slow down.  Take your time.  Learn and grow.  Have fun.  It will all unfold and happen as it should in the right time.

3.  Be critical of yourself... and praise yourself.  One benefit of taking time away from the public is to realize that you can be honest to yourself.  You can tell yourself... oh, you messed up there.  Learn from that.. and know you do not lose self respect by acknowledging it but gain confidence in your future when you are real.  But, while you are taking time looking at yourself, do not forget to notice how good you were and are, as well.  Reconnect with the good parts of yourself that got lost along the way and learn new things that you like about yourself.  In the end, how you feel about yourself may be the most important audience that you will have, and being proud of your potential is a great way to regain the swagger that you need to adventure into the days that lay ahead.

Ok.  That's enough for tonight.  I hope you are all finding peace in your lives and smile, today.  Good night.

Boundaries

I'll start by saying there's nothing wrong with a romance or being in a relationship.  If you were lucky enough to find someone that respects you, desires you, supports you, and is committed to you, that is a good thing... assuming you feel the same.  However, not everyone has been so lucky.  For many of us, we ended up with people that abused us emotionally and more, neglected us, and were only with us for what they could get from us, til they could no more.  Then, when the well went dry, so did their "care" and interest.

I have not dated in over a year.  Partially, it was because I was addressing financial needs and relocating.  But, it was also from growth, and the longer I went not dating.. the more I grew.  It's like when your kids grow up.  At first, you feel like you are losing all that refined you, which is actually very sad.. tho many are not equipped to understand that.  But. After a few years, you rediscover who you are without them.  I've seen this not only in myself but almost every person I've met with grown kids.  Then, it gets liberating and is a joy to have an empty nest.

Similarly, the longer you go after being married, the more you discover yourself, again.  The longer you are married... or the more years you have been married of your life, the longer it takes to find yourself, again.  But, as you do, it is also very freeing.  You can choose what you want to wear, say, do etc without consulting someone else.  You can eat what you want or pick if you want to exercise based on yourself and what you desire, rather than being constantly fearful how someone will judge your body.  You can even choose to stay in your underwear and chill all day watching shows, without checking if your words and actions please others.  It takes time, and I still catch myself making choices or silencing myself for others, til I shake myself out of it and choose my life for me.

Will I have another relationship?  I don't know.  I do think it could be nice, but it will not look like what I grew up expecting and what is seen most of the time.  I'm not going to make pleasing them my source of happiness, nor do I want them to make pleasing me theirs.  I'd expect us both to ge happy about ourselves on our own and then jointly do things together that makes us both happy for shared experiences.  I'd expect a commitment to establish a feeling of security, though.  I don't want to always be waiting for the other shoe to drop and them leave.. because maybe I have a different opinion or non shared interest.  In general, I don't want to go from the feeling of peaceful contentment I have, now, to feel eternally insecure and anxious.  It's LITERALLY not worth the change, if that's what I'd have in store.

We must learn to establish and respect boundaries, and when others fear or don't respect those boundaries, then the boundaries are trying to tell you something that you should heed.

Your life is your life, and take it from me that you may find one day that is all you have... so treat yourself well and be jealous of that care when you consider adding another.

Double Down

I've now won 5 times in the last two weeks in lottery scratch offs and drawings..  all low amounts and might have broke even with what I put into it.  But... it has raised my hope level about my life.  Suddenly, I'm not this cursed person that can't receive any good... which heretofore had a lot of experience level foundation to assume.  It IS possible to have good experiences...IF I am willing to keep buying the tickets or taking the risks.

It reminds me of a couple things I've noted in the past.  In baseball, the best batting averages are above .300... that means that less than a third of the time they get to the plate, they will actually get a hit.  They fail twice as many times as they succeed. With lotto that will typically be even less, even for small amounts.

There is a phrase attributed to Einstein by many but without much evidence... still it's a good quote to consider..

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."

I included it in this post, because we feel we are failing a lot of time, because we are trying to become the wrong thing.  You can feel very u lucky or ugly or a failure or more IF you are trying to be what you are not.  But... you can at the sake time be a VERY good expression of yourself.  For a little while now, I've understood that.  Some... didn't get me or appreciate me.  That wasn't a fault of me, so much as just evidence they were not right for me.  You might not be unlucky .. just trying to be what you're not equipped to be.

I am on a mission to discover what I like, apart from what others like me to be.  And, eventually,  that will lead to those that like that person.  But, for now, I'm content to just double down on being me, and I welcome the rewards that come from just being willing to let that person exist fully.  I think it's the best outcome, wherever that leads,  that I can have.

Fiction: The Haniwork of Narcissists

There is a reason why fiction sections and bookstores are much bigger than biographies. And there is a reason why people prefer movies and TV shows over documentaries. We have a fascination with fiction. And fiction is the handiwork of a narcissist. With fiction they can control someone even after they no longer have them by controlling the perception of others about them.

Fourteen years ago, I escaped a very toxic relationship that had made me extremely stressed out and mentally depressed for over a decade. I chose it for my own mental peace, but my ex would not honor my desire for peace.  And, I would spend the next decade or more dealing with one thing after another where she was trying to inflict suffering on me for having the gall to leave her.  But, who cares what one person thinks about you? What damage can they do? A lot as it turns out.

When you are one person and I believe especially if you are a man, and you are not in a relationship the future women that you've come in contact with wonder why you are not in that relationship and I have experienced them all... that you ended it because you are careless or that you did something to cause them to want to do something against you or so on. And then the next person carries those doubts into the relationship and that affects their perception of them and possibly causes an ending there. I'm not saying this simply as a victim for I have been responsible for misconceptions myself at various times.

But when one person believes something and that causes another person to believe something. Then, the third person wonders well you have these other two people that didn't like him and the misconception grows. This happens in the absence of future actions by the narcissist, but rarely does a narcissist just give up. In my case, the narcissist was my ex and we had a child together.  So that narcissist was very concerned about the child's perception of them and who was wrong in the divorce.. because they see divorce as being evil and bad the person that is responsible for the divorce. They have to make the other person out to be this bad person. Not just to themselves, but to their child.

Unfortunately, I've had to deal with that over my existence with my child. Having to respond to their attempts to control the perception by creating false charges or assumptions in the mind of the child by my ex.  The child not wanting to have a bad relationship with your parent will often go along with it.  I've actually had conversations with my child where I learned that when they are with the other parent they go along with what the parent is saying, because they don't want to make that parent upset, even if they don't believe that about the parent themselves.  However, repeated lies being told that the other person their other parent is a bad person can take a toll upon parent-child relationships. Now, the deception bubble grows .. not only do you have future romantic interests that now doubt you, but you have relatives, friends, others that say, well, all these people don't like him, so something must be wrong and now they're on a fishing expedition to find out what it is.  That causes someone to have so much rejections.  Such is the handiwork  narcissist.

Then, if you speak up...again I believe as a man.. you are told to let it go and not protest, being seen as the aggressor and told to just walk away in peace, which I'd exactly how you got to the situation and false perception to begin with...and the work of the narcissist to control you is complete.

I don't really have a solution to this, other than get far away from them and try not to talk about them or be available for them to continue to abuse.  But, I guess the lesson I would provide is this... be very careful who you marry and walk away if it is toxic...far away.. before you get invested with someone that can destroy your life long after you are no longer their puppet.