Thank You

 You wouldn't think it would be important to note, but it is important and has been for many decades and centuries.  My only hope is that is can be seen differently in the future.

One thing that I have seen so often in the past but is something that is never noted by others, because it is religiously incorrect is that people often thank the wrong person...

Lets assume a hypothetical situation where someone has done something for another person.  It is a man doing something for a woman.  The woman, however, says that it is something that God is doing for her.  So, she gives God all the credit for the good that was done for her.  And, she says that God blessed her with that thing, even though it was done by the man.

However, later, the man does things that were not as pleasant.  Those thing cannot be blamed to God, so they are blamed to the man.  And, so... God gets the credit for all the good, but man gets the blame for all the bad.

When, if we looked at it from the perspective of reality, the good was done by a man that wanted to do good, and the bad was done by a man that was human.

I know that this post will not be accepted or understood by most that read it, but it must be done, nonetheless.  

For a moment, imagine there is no heaven as the beatles says.  For a moment, consider that all there is is humans.  Consider that we all make mistakes and are growing.  Then, realize that  life is not about what others give to us but what grace we allow to others for what we desire for ourselves.

For myself, I am grateful for all the good that others have broubght into my life, and I do not give that gratitude to God but to them, even as I do not attributte their choices to a devil but to them as well.

So, to summarize, thank you for the good that has come into my life, whatever the source, to the source from which it came.  And, I will grow from what has happened in my life to greater points of gratitude.

Boundaries

Setting personal boundaries for myself is something that I have often struggled with, as I am a very giving person who has always seen it as a great value in making someone else happy.  So, I have so many times allowed myself to get in a situation where my own needs and wants are limited or hurting in order to make someone else feel at comfort or secure.  Then, as does often happen, when that situation eventually ends, I find myself having to start from scratch or low and build myself up, again.  This is why I meet people of similar age that have a huge savings, while I have little.  I can literally point to different people in my life over the decades (not just romantic partners) where that money went... people that no longer even speak to me.

And, that leads me to another point in the course of discussing why boundaries are so important.  Giving to another is usually greeted with immediate thanksgiving but over time becomes resentment.  But, even if that isn't the case, it does over time go from being something that is met with thanksgiving and instead is met with expectation.  Indeed, I have seen over the decades people that live on public aid become comfortable with that aid, and they stop trying to rise from it.  Don't get me wrong, I tend left on this issue and think aid should always be given to those in need and not always do people have the ability to rise from it, and all of that should be considered for how long they are on the aid.  However, like my examples from the past and observations, there IS a case to be made that giving to another can teach them to not give to themselves, which is actually a harm for us to teach them to have that expectation and lack of self care, because the ability to provide for oneself, no matter the difficulty, is a key to self confidence and self respect.  And, this applies to equality of genders as well, as we should not keep those benefits from women to have in their own lives and their own domain of control over their own lives.

So, even though I have been saying that you should always give, and that is the message that I want to feel and be in myself, it is not always the wise choice for course of action to take.  In the end, YOU are responsible for only one life, YOURS.  Give, but give after you have accounted for your own needs for your own goals, first.  That is not permission to set greedy and high asset goals, but if you are finding yourself always poor in the life of caring for others you are failing at the goal of self love and self care.  Also, it is impossible to pour out of an empty cup.  So, even if setting boundaries is difficult at times to do, it is a necessary thing to do, if you are ever to chart your way to your goals and have someone along side you that wants you to reach them. 

Inequality

I realized a lot of this a long while back, but it is much more relevant, now.  So, I'm going to go through what I believed (and many still do), what I learned, and why it is important to our age.

I grew up in a Southern, conservative area... albeit still very Democrat but that would shift... the party, not the culture.  It was pretty universally believed that a man should take care of a woman... providing for her.. defending her.. and making it so she "didn't have to" work.  Her place, it was believed was in the home, raising children.  I know you might be saying it's a lot like that, now... and I'll get to that.

So, the idea that a woman would be working was back then a sign of shame... this was before it became the norm for both to work.  Indeed, as women began to work, shows like Laverne and Shirley and others of career women were viewed by many as "Feminists" that were avoiding their household responsibilities and ruining families.  If a lot of that sounds familiar, it's probably coming from older men that came from that mentality.

Anyways, women that began working began feeling self respect that came from accomplishment not pleasing a man in the home.  So, they began wanting to be equal... but that gets in the way of a man feeling her INEQUALITY of being the "weaker sex" as they heard in church was what made a relationship work.  Without him doing things for her, how was there a relationship?

I can testify to this feeling, because I've made that mistake in feeling it.  It comes out of getting our understanding of relationships from older generations, but older generations didn't have equality.  At one time, a woman was property to be exchanged from father to husband.  Early marriages didn't even ask the opinion of women.  So, I felt it was chivalry to do things for her, and her place to receive it.  I still am working to get over it, but get over it I... and society must.

My ex would feel that my doing things for her made her feel less than, and she wanted to feel equal.  That is true in every case of inequality.  Further, it puts pressure on the one that is less to accept the will or acts of the one with more power.  That's the basis of sexual harassment, in fact.  One that is less loses their power, when their job... or their relationship.. is on the line.

So... how does a two career, equal relationship work, then?  Instead of being built on inequalities and seeing someone as weaker that must be taken care of like a child, it is based instead on respect.  Instead of a relationship based on power and provision, it is a partnership based on choice, and I think that is actually much stronger.

It will take time for this to be the normal way of choosing relationships... people are still too programmed by generations fading away.  But, it is the only way it works for independent and equal people, and it is the way I intend to live.

Be a Man (or Woman)

In the conversation with my mentally ill ex when she was cutting me out of my child's life based simply on her not thinking I was a good influence, she said many hurtful things in true modern Christian fashion (she pretends to be holy).  One of them was to tell me to "be a man," when I was objecting to her actions.  I think that's a good launching point for this topic.

Be a man... what's that mean?  After all, according to the rigid right, gender is not a behavior construct.  If you are born with a penis,  you are a male and vagina female.. unless your political supreme leaders say your not a female boxer, I guess.  So... how can one act like a male or female.  If you have the equipment from birth... it's settled, right?

Of course, they don't believe that.  You have to act like a man or woman, too... follow the proscribed way of acting... jobs or lack of them, house parent or not, visual appearance, etc.  That's, I think, the biggest problem they have about trans people.  They don't care of you identify with the other gender, as long as you don't LOOK like the other gender, suggesting it had nothing at all to do with your born equipment at all... it has to do with how you choose to act or appear.  It's not about your biology. It's about control.

So, topics like women not having children are mocked by the right VP as "childless cat ladies" and men that stay at home to raise children are given suspicion and insults.. I know that from my time doing that by choice, as well.... so that that ex that mocked me could go be a manager with her MBA.  Had I "been a man" as she charged, she would have had little opportunity for her to do exactly that.

So, ignore the critics.  They aren't even consistent in their own arguments.  Just be yourself and when that crosses a gender barrier for them, just tell them to fk themselves... because they'll probably have a problem finding an acceptable partner.