Impact

I was looking over my stats for the week, just a few minutes ago.  In the last week, I've impacted roughly 25,000 between Facebook, Instagram, and my blog.. the blog about 15,000 of that.  I don't say that as a point of validation.  There are others whose numbers are much higher, but I periodically look over Facebook memories posts from prior years on the day and just a few days ago I was celebrating an impact that was significantly less only a few years ago.  And, truly, a much lower number is still a worthy impact on the world.

But, it leads me to draw several conclusions worthy of share to others out there, so I will go through them.

1.  Your life is not one thing.  I have learned in recent years to avoid saying things like my life sucks, my life rocks, my life is blessed, my life is cursed, etc.  Why?  Because, invariably, when one area of my life is facing a challenge it is usually accompanied with another areas of my life that is growing.  It is still important to learn the lessons from the challenges, but it is never only challenge or only joy.

2. Don't listen to what others tell you that you should be doing.  I am doing SO many things WRONG with the blog and have been doing so for a long time.. things that the experts mean would spell doom for a blogger.  I am not speaking from a degreed or authoritiative platform.  Yes, I have a degree in business, but I don't write about business.  Yes, I have a degree in the Bible, but that is probably the first time you heard about it... or most of a seminary Master's degree... because I don't reference it or claim ordination.  I just speak on needs and truths and the love of God at times.  I also question God at times, too, because I am human, and perhaps that is what people like.

3.  I haven't ever charged for the blog, and I wouldn't.  I did try to get approved for adsense, but they didn't like my content length or some things I said so was disqualified for that benefit.  However, it doesn't seem to have hurt me that much.

So, I will keep speaking truth in love, encouragement for those in need, inspiration for those that need the push to rise, and putting life in my life blog.  I hope you like it, and it seems that you do.  Thank you.

I Love Me

I have had songs in my playlists over the years about loving yourself and reshared many posts on Instagram and Facebook about it over time.  However, I have not had many posts about myself loving myself, so I am going to do that for this one as a reminder and an example, as well.

Loving myself should not be seen as an excuse to say that others should love me for these reasons.  I am not everyone's cup of tea, as they say.  If we are all individually unique and diverse, what would appeal to one will be challenging to another.  Nor should it be seen as a justification for objectively bad behavior.  Part of loving myself includes a very active self analysis that is always trying to improve.  You cannot improve if you are unable or unwilling to challenge yourself and admit where you have flaws to address and opportunities of growth where you made poor choices.  But, after those disclaimers, I will go into the things I DO like about myself.

I love that I am curious.  I am interested in learning, even when it corrects me.  Information and truth is and has been very important to me in my life.  

I love that I have a deep mind.  For some people that can be difficult, and I get that.  I wish at times that I could be more carefree, and I am working on being moreso.  But, that said, I can entertain my mind for hours trying to understand deep concepts and human existence and more.

I love that I am dedicated.  Sometimes, I can be too dedicataed to things that I need to let go and move forward.  That would be a flaw for me to work on.... because sometimes for example, I can find myself trying to make one accounting task work to the exclusion of meeting deadlines for the bigger picture.  But, it also means I can go months in fitness without much change visible, before the changes start to happen and keep going till I reach a goal.

I love that I am creative.  I can't paint in a great way, and I wish I could play music instruments, well.  However, I love to make music playlists.  I love to write, and sometimes I will write something in a different way or on a different topic just to challenge myself and see if it can be done.

I love that I have a caring heart.  I would say that I love that I have a caring heart, even after all the pain.  But, one really does not stop the other.  The pain exists BECAUSE I have a caaring heart, and it is care which heals the wounds, especially care for myself.

I love that I am objective.  As the sherrif says to some rebels in the current season of Silo that I am watching to prepare for the new one, "I am not for you or for him.  I am for the law."  That is close to how I am, only I would say that law in that manner for me is objective truth, and it also explains why I am so often clashing with people of all political parties that have an issue with one observation I make or another one or on issues of religion, education, relationships, identity, and more.  I take great interest in trying to undestand things... see above... and then I use that observation to determine things without consulting a group or seeking their approval, all while being able to change if the information so presents itself to do so.

I love that I love things that feed my soul like sunsets, pictures, books, music, art, beaches, the breeze, beauty, delicious foods, and more.  My life may have many challenges over my decades, but it can never be said that I didn't live.

There are more things that I could say, but I am going to take myself to watch a movie, where I will have a few strong drinks and enjoy myself.  I hope  you have a good evening and weekend.

Real

I had already decided I wasn't going to blog post, tonight; because I was feeling tired and uninspired.  Then, I saw a meme talking about how writing exists in your real life... your struggles, your emotions, your life.  That somewhat led me to this blog post, sorta.  I won't be posting any details about my life, beyond mundane life routine ones.  This blog post will be a completely sanitized post only about how I feel, because in my head it can be used to provide some good advice.  I hope you agree.

Most immediately, I am tired.  I've been tired a lot this week.  This is partially because of my recent step up in fitness.  I need to step up my protein I think, too.  It's also from a tiring week of work, though I have got a lot done.  But, how I'm feeling right now is tired.  But, it's a good tired, and this is a teachable moment in that the REASON I am tired is from self improvement and work skill.  It would be much better than being tired and not having done that.

I'm feeling steady on the stair step I am on, but I'm not feeling overly motivated to climb the next step, nor do I feel like I should climb back down.  So, the feeling is that I am taking a breath and a beat, before I begin to climb.  And, I think that is important.  You cannot always be rushing forward, and you should definitely not be doing so without feeling balanced.  Life is not a race.  You are not competing against anyone.  I give myself grace to take whatever time it takes, and I give others the same grace, as well.  We are all just doing our best and no one else can tell us what that best should be.

I am feeling good about who I am as a person and feeling confident that I can love that person, without needing someone else to validate who that is.  Knowing that, I have the patience and peace to continue loving myself and part of that loving myself is to give myself time and not to settle for others that do not share the same opinion that I hold about my value.  Sometimes, truth does not come in thunderous applause but more closely a thunderstorm of distraction to try to focus on anything other than the most important love that you will have in your life.

And, now, I am feeling satisfied with this post, other than to simply say that whatever your struggle and however tired you are also feeling, tomorrow is a new day and the next day a new day, as well.  Rest and reward will come, if you keep to the track and push forward.  I will cheer you on that journey. 

Why Pt 2 - Dating Application

I had this thought for this blog a week ago, but it was still peculating.  I think the concept works best in application to dating, though it can work for any kind of interpersonal connection.  

Today, I had free time, so I browsed a few dating apps.  Honestly, it has been something that I am open to do but not doing, and it is still very uncomfortable for me to consider and do, so it will be a light browse a only casual dating for a while.  But, just like returning to places I have been with people from the past in order to build new memories there, it is similar in this regard.. only harder.  I have to rebuild those interpersonal conversation and connection skills that I have used in the past.  Doing things like going to Meetup events and talking to friends also helps with this.  Well.. fitness may be a better metaphor.  So, I'll do a paragraph about that, too.

When I first started really getting back into fitness, I tried to run, and I hurt, and my time was horrible.  Then, I began walking.. first a few days a week, then most days a week, then began running-walking intervals, and then I ran today, again.  Today's was much easier, and my time was actually pretty good for an amateur runner of my age.  It took rebuilding those muscles by use, and I think it will take a while of that to really get in my comfort zone, again, without triggering sensitive spots and memories.  But.... I'll get there.

Anyways, to get back to my point of why.  I've been thinking new ways about the use of dating apps and dating in general than I used to think.  My thinking is that it should start more casual, for example.  However, almost all dating apps have some place for you to put your interests.  So, people will check the boxes or say the things in which they are interested.  If there is a shared interest, it's a match... right?  Eh.. not necessarily.  Because, you really need to ask on those interests... why.

WHY do they like those things?  HOW do they like to do it?  They must be questioned, because two people can have the same interests and yet have very different ways of seeking them and pleasing them.  There are also varying levels of interest in those things, and that is ok.  We don't have to share all interests and in the same way, but if we don't ask why we can create assumptions about other people that equate our own, and that is not always the case.

For example, many use religion and faith to mean a WHOLE lot about someone, but defined by how that one believes faith to be.  I have a personal faith, but it is not the same as many with very public faiths, for example.  For some that is religious they care for your soul.  That's nice, and I get what they are feeling, because to them the soul is very important.  However, I would rather have someone that cares for more about me than my soul.  I want them to care how I feel, if I'm under stress, if I am happy, or just care to know more about me.  Today, I ran for the first time in a long time and a good pace, as I noted.  Tonight, I cooked a very nice meal that I had not made, before. I posted both on social media.  I didn't do so to get attention, as my recent way of thinking is that we should just do what we like to do and the right ones will notice that and be drawn to us.  However, it was a thought that I had, this evening, that many that I know may not be liking those things or expressing interest in me, because I didn't attend a service today or post about the holiday.  They will assume certain things about me, and I tire of trying to either please the judgments of others or being concerned when they do so judge.  That's fine.  That's their perspective.  I understand that, but it isn't what I am seeking.

What I am seeking is someone that cares about the good things that I celebrate, simply because they like to see me happy, and they care about the dark times and challenges that I face, because they care about me in those times, as well.  I do believe in God, and I live a good life that cares for others, but I want someone that loves me when my day is dark and my struggles are real.  I would honestly rather date a caring atheist than someone that has religious leaning that only notice what I didn't do.  

But, that's just religion.  You can say the same things about other things.  I like to write, but there is a lot of different kinds of writers.  I like scifi, but there are many scifi fandoms, many of which are at odds with one another.  Whether it be travel, dancing, music, cooking, taking pics, or any other things, each have a multitude of reasons why they are important to each person, and sharing them does not necessarily make one right for another.   

So, I am still growing and changing, and exploring; and I will say that I am not entirely sure what I will like or what will work with me.  I do have some experience to draw from, but it is really a new adventure.  So, as uncomfortable as it is for me to ... get back out there and chat with others. that's what it will take to figure things out, and a really good way to start those conversations is to simply ask someone... why.  I wish you luck, courage, and flexibility to adapt, all of which I will definitely need, as well.

A Little Fantasy Fiction

Another short, short fiction writing exercise.  Ok.. let's go..

 Anew

Stemble woke with the morning light, the breeze tickling through his branches and rustling his leaves as if to say hello on its way through the meadow.  He had so many mornings like this.  He had greeted the morning so many times, that he entertained the illusion that the morning waited for HIM to awake, before it began its journey.

For a moment, he felt out for Chrystale, his long time friend and partner, but then he recalled that many years before she had been cut down by the Orcs on their campaign to fight the elves and some little ones.  The pain of hearing her wounds still burned in the core of his trunk.  She had been with him for so long, and they had greeted the universe, together.  It seemed that so many of those that he used to know had been cut down in their time, and he felt more and more alone, except for the animals that had made their home in his trunk.  He didn't mind them.  He liked the company, in fact... except for the woodpecker, who picked the worst times to pay a visit.

But, he had seen them, generation after generation.  They came.  They went.  And, he had the perspective that he wished he could impart to them.  All of them were so busy... so rushed and active and feeling like all of the universe was in whatever moment they happened to see.  But, he had seen those moments, and he had seen the moments after.  A perspective like that left one understanding that the universe is not for a life but a life for the universe... was not finite but infinite... was not happening all around one but was found by observing ones own part within the great song that never ended... till it did... he missed Chrystale.

"Good morning," called a little voice, below.  "Good morning," he questioned back.  Who are you, little one?"  

"I'm not quite sure, yet.  All I know is that my mom used to stand, here, beside me, til she was cut down."

And, Stemble noted from where the voice was rising.. it was just next to where he used to touch branches with Chrystale.  This must be her daughter.

"Ah, I'm sorry that happened to you, little one.  But, I knew your mother, and I could tell you wonderful stories about her."

"Oh, Really? That would be wonderful.  Thank you."

And, for the first time in what seemed like ages, Stemble felt the light upon his branches and the wind turned as if to say, your time is not done, yet.  And, his trunk swelled with pride in being able to have purpose and to give one last gift to his long friend, once more.

 

About Me

I am keeping personal details others out of my social media and blog posts by personal choice, unless they are something that has been cleared for me to post.  However, that does not apply to me being able to post factual and positive things about me from my post .. accomplishments and moments of joy and so on.  So, I am going to do a quick bio of some of those, because it is my blog and I can.  And, the day that social censorship requires me to not speak about my own life is the day I will be breaking social censorship.  But, I am not g oing to be posting anything recent or current in this blog post.. just foundational past.

In high school, I was a mutt in terms of interests.  I was on the Newspaper staff, yearbook photographer, basketball team, baseball team, Mathematics League, and won awards for fair exhibits, academic competitions in things like math and science and history and more.  I went to and won the Jr level science fair regionally twice in Environmental Science with a fair exhibit on recycled plastic.  I won an essay competition in the area.  And, outside of school I loved to do electronics experiments, build things, and explore the woods.  After high school and during college, I would join a modeling agency for a short time, and worked my way up to be concessionist, usher, usher trainer, and projectionist at AMC.  Oh.. during my high school years, I joined the National Guard and went to Basic Training between Jr and Sr years of high school and career training after high school in Artillery.  Afterwards, I would leave the military for a while and just financially survive.  In my 2nd year of college, I would join a fraturnity and be on the Intra Frat Council, was a leader of a student union board activities committee, and was a youth director at a church.

Then, skip forward a while, I joined the Army active duty for a few years.  During that time, I was elevated to be the 1st Sargent's driver and would win Soldier of the Month for one month and get a couple battalion coins and Army Achievement Medal.

Coming out of the military, My child had severe ADHD that was cuasing problems and social isolation for her, so I homeschooled her for 7 years.  I don't know that I would make the same choice, again, but it gave us a lot of time, together.  That part I wouldn't change.  When my youngest was born, my ex had a post partum psychotic break, and for two years I was pretty much the only parent caring for my baby, while managing household needs and finishing not only my bachelor degree but my Master's degree.. eventually with a short period of my schooling for Elementary Education for a while in between, as well.  I would get hired for the IRS and work in Boston for a while.  After that time, I got my first divorce and came back to Oklahoma, where my family was.  I would work at first at Dillards and manage their furniture department for a few years, before getting hired to work accounting at IBM.  During this time, my ex had another psychotic break tied to her mania, and I would have custody of both of my children for years in Tulsa, and I have so many great memories of my time with them in this place.  I would also run several 5k's, which is something that I believe I want to train to begin doing, again.  I would also write several books under my own name and a female penname that I picked, as I felt that women would not read romance written by a man.  I would also write several inspirational books over the years, as well. 

From there, I would go to Florida, where my child went to be back with her mom, until my child graduated from high school, and came back to Tulsa to be near my family and for work.  I will stop at that point, because it is a good listing of my past without disclosing much detail of anyone else.  I forget sometimes just how many things I have overcome in my past and just how awesome my life has been.  It will continue to be awesome in the days and years to come. 

Transition Chapter

Chapter: Present

 

The last chapter has ended, and this is your transition chapter of your life.  Anyone that has read any amount of books knows that stories do not go in a straight line.  There are rises and falls, switched settings, growth of characters, introduction of new characters or settings, returns of characters or settings, and so on and so forth.  However, when you begin the transition chapter, you are like... what is happening?  Who is that?  What does this mean?  And, what will happen, next?

Your past chapters were fascinating.  Weren't they?  If I look back over my life, I can see chapters of great pleasure or deep struggle or great learning, or life changes.  I can reflect on many different times that I thought.. this is the most important thing in my whole life, and this is the greatest joy.  I've also had moments that I look back and wonder how I survived those moments... more of those over my life than I care to remember.  I've lived in many different places, and I felt that all of them had things to teach me about life, and they did.  I've had different jobs from professional to service to more.  Again, each of them grew qualities in myself that I didn't know existed.  Indeed, especially as I get older, I am now quick to know that I do not even KNOW who I will be, where I will be, and how my life will look 10 years from now... 5 years from now... 1 year from now... shoot, 6 months from now.  

But.. that's future chapters.

This is your transition chapter.  This is your opportunity to change.  This is where you begin new things, make new connections, change your storyline, and introduce a plot shift...one you may not even undersand or know, right now. This is where you reflect on the past, hope for the future, but LIVE TODAY and learn from it.  Your life is neither a fairy tale or a tragedy.  Your life... your book's pages... are being written by every day's stroke of the pen.  So, why not make it interesting.  You don't have to please those no longer in the story.  You don't have to live up to old plot expectations.  You can do... whatever you want to do, and I would suggest that you do.  Have fun, and let that fun teach you about yourself and where you should be heading.

And, then... you will be ready for the next great chapter of your life. 

Know Thyself, Love Thyself

One thing I've been learning for years is how important it is to know yourself.  It is important for several reasons, not the least of which is that you need to understand yourself in order to love yourself.  But, it is also important in things like career goals, seeking and operating in relationships, and more.  There are several ways of understanding yourself, and I will discuss a few with myself as an example.  However, one way that you do NOT understand yourself is feeling you should be like someone else.  Your journey is your journey.  You were made a miracle, whether that be from God or from just the process of living on the planet.  There was a line in the book that I was reading last night that comes to mind.  In Reaper Man by Terry Pratchett, dead but not dead character Poons is trying to understand how cities would develop things to protect themselves, like every animal that develops poisons or spike or other things.  In the book, it says, "Here and now, that's probably me.  Spikey old Windle Poons."  We can become a defense of others by way of our empathy, our history, our convictions, or more.

The first way to know thyself, I touched on in the last blog.  What makes you happy?  Determine what it is that makes you feel joy or peace or love or more.  Often times, this is a process of experimentation.  Don't be scared to take chances to learn about yourself.  Don't be afraid of failure in that process.  It is a much happier path to try something and fail and have the memories of trying than to not try at all.  And, it is important to give others the grace and room to try and fail, as well.  I don't necessarily mean trying people in relationships but allow them to try and change in becoming themselves.  A good analogy is a woman standing at the closet saying... this outfit?  No.. this one?  Ok.   It doesn't change who they are as a person, nor does allowing them to change jobs, ideas, music styles and more.

There are certain personality tests that I would recommend that you try to understand yourself and what you need  When you do determine that, don't ignore it.  Don't say... well... I know I need this and I'm not getting it, but I will just push that down and ignore it.  Trust me, it doesn't stay buried for long.  As an example, I am an INFJ writer.  I needed to add that writer part, because it has been important to me all my life.  Like many of the great writers and poets over history, I express my feelings in words.  I loved the series Dickinson on Apple TV about Emily Dickinson.  She was not well acknowledged in her day, but her reflections on life and love and more would become very important to so many, afterwards.   From my earliest days, I've been a writer, whether it be the school and college newspaper, newsletters I would write and print and distribute on my own, books I have written, and several blogs over time, including this one that is currently influencing over 2k per week.  It is because I need to be communicating my thoughts and feelings in order to develop them.  If I cannot communicate them with someone, it stunts my mental or emotional growth.  Though, I have learned to put curbs on what I say and to whom I say things to protect others in that process.

An INFJ is very rare.. about 1 percent of the population fits into this box.  Rare is not bad.  A diamond is rare.. and valuable.  An INFJ is introverted.  While I need to express out loud, I prefer small setting where I feel secure when I am out and about... also a common quality of writers.  We like to observe and reflect on the world and then write down what we observe is true, but I'm getting ahead of myself.  We are intuitive.    We have developed a sense of how someone can be, based on our experiences.  So, it usually doesn't take long to get a sense of how someone is.  However, there are exceptions to the rule, and it is important to take time to challenge your perceptions, as well. You may not know their whole story, and it can take time to get that understanding.  Someone that is homeless may be bitter upon meeting them.  But, if you get to know their story, it can lend to deeper meaning and new ways to love them.  An INFJ is feeling.  Yes.. 100 percent.  I interpret everything from the perspective of the heart.  Details are less important to me than meaning.  Accuracy is less important than attempts.  In fact, part of my intuitive analysis of someone is very often sizing up how much they care.  If someone is seen to care a lot, they are VERY attractive to me.  However, someone of a different personality type would not necessarily feel the same about it.  I am reminded of a scene in one of the Spiderman incarnations where the girl says, "Don't make promises that you can't keep, Peter."  He replied, "But, those are the best kind."  I've often identified a lot with the Spiderman character.  With great power comes great responsibility is very true.  Finally, an INFJ is judging, though I have got INFP at times for perceiving, as well.  Judging does not mean finding fault in others in this structure.  It means it is important for me to have thought things out, planned things out, and have some type of feeling of stability and direction for my day.  It does not mean that I cannot change things, but a day without a plan is chaos to me.  We also tend to be idealistic, deep thinking, compassionate, and driven by a vision.  However, we also reflect on the past and struggle with doubt, loss, and more, as well.

So, knowing these things about myself, it helps me to love those qualities in myself, even when others do not.  It also helps me to understand what type of person I would be needing in a relationship, as they would need to appreciate or make space for those qualities in msyelf, too.  I forget the source, but there is a quote that says something like if a fish spends its life trying to compare itself to a tree, it will spend its whole like feeling like a failure ... or something like that.  You are good, as you have been made.  It is a gift to the world that you are like you are.  So this week, spend time leaning about yourself and loving yourself for being yourself.  You are worth it.