The God that Hears

I've had a continuous relationship with God over my life.  That doesn't mean I've always thought God was worthy or that God was right.  I still have my doubts about both, but God hasn't ever had a problem with my questioning..  those problems usually came from men.  But, I think it is a Divine quality to allow others to struggle in the places where struggle is important to growth and not take it personally.  Plus, I think it is a Divine quality to question things.  My own kids have questioned me at times, and I don't think that is a bad thing.  As I said about one of them one time, if they are strong enough to question ME, they are going to be ok in life.

But, I did use to question God a lot and sometimes I felt angry at God.  None of that means I didn't have a relationship with God.  True relationships allow for true conflict.  God and the devil have a very old relationship, as well as other divine figures that walk independently.  But, I use to cast a lot of anger at God for what happened to me in life, presuming that God was responsible.  We get that idea that God is responsible by attributing to him the concept of Providence and believing that all things are being directed by him for our good.  But, I watch 5 people run red lights every single week.  People do not follow Divine direction, nor does things like disease, bacteria, or our own choices or the choices of others.  So, how can I hold God responsible for the freedom of others, unless I want God to take away all freedom, which I do not want.

But, as I swayed and screamed and acted out, I not only found that God was patient but that He LISTENED... not that he was waiting around for us to figure it out but actually HEARD me, because he cared enough to pay attention and offer care and consolation in the middle of it all.

So, this post is not to say to go church, because honestly I don't want to play roulette with whether you go to a good one or one that will take advantage of your pain to their own ends.  I don't want to involve religion at all.  But, I will say.. from my own experience.. that God is there and is listening, whenever you want to talk, and sometimes, that may be all you need.

Update Post

I haven't done a personal update post in a while, so I think I will do one, tonight.

This week, I made it known to work of my plans to move to Florida in November, and that gives me a lot of peace of not having to run two storylines out there and can be transperant.  Honestly, it has always been in my policy that more information is a good thing, but I do understand and greater appreciate the desire to protect people with my information giving and want to do a better job at that.  There is a Sandman episode that comes to mind where a man with power makes everyone say truth, and it ends very badly with people dead on the floor.  So, there is  a responsibility with how and where you say your truth.  But, it has been a peaceful week with regards to Floria planning, and I look forward to being there.

Meanwhile, it has been a hard week of work, and I won't go into details of that.  But, I am very good at my job, and I was selected employee of the month for my company, which was a very nice surprisse.  It does not change the realities that drive my decision made months ago to move to Florida.  My child is there, and if I get the chance I would very much like to spend more time connecting with and involved in their life.  Plus, I fell in love with myself in Florida and who I am when I am there.  I love the environment, the culture, and who I can be there... without needing anyone else in my life as a partner.  So, even if that never happens, I would love myself there, but I do believe in my future in that other area, as well.

Finances are much better this week, after auto repairs last week.  I even got a settlement payout of a class action lawsuit that I was in with Morgan and Morgan and had forgot it was going.  So that was a good surprise as well.

I have lived the last weeks and months more and more intentionally towards the positive and acting, instead of reacting.  A meme that I saw said to spend your time improving instead of proving, and that is so true.  I don't want to focus on the negatives in life but what IS possible and what I CAN do to make my life better.

I finished one puzzle and began another.  I have come to love puzzle time, because as I put things togethere there, I put things together in my mind.  And, it is nice to see things completing.

I have moved further towards my spiritual side and will keep doing so, even as I don't know if I will go to church, anytime soon.  The freedom to disconnect those two things is something that I think many need in this world, so they don't have to justsify GOD within the confines of man.

Ok.  I could write more, but I want to destress from the work week with alcohol and puzzle time.  Have a good weekend.

Why Pt 2 - Dating Application

I had this thought for this blog a week ago, but it was still peculating.  I think the concept works best in application to dating, though it can work for any kind of interpersonal connection.  

Today, I had free time, so I browsed a few dating apps.  Honestly, it has been something that I am open to do but not doing, and it is still very uncomfortable for me to consider and do, so it will be a light browse a only casual dating for a while.  But, just like returning to places I have been with people from the past in order to build new memories there, it is similar in this regard.. only harder.  I have to rebuild those interpersonal conversation and connection skills that I have used in the past.  Doing things like going to Meetup events and talking to friends also helps with this.  Well.. fitness may be a better metaphor.  So, I'll do a paragraph about that, too.

When I first started really getting back into fitness, I tried to run, and I hurt, and my time was horrible.  Then, I began walking.. first a few days a week, then most days a week, then began running-walking intervals, and then I ran today, again.  Today's was much easier, and my time was actually pretty good for an amateur runner of my age.  It took rebuilding those muscles by use, and I think it will take a while of that to really get in my comfort zone, again, without triggering sensitive spots and memories.  But.... I'll get there.

Anyways, to get back to my point of why.  I've been thinking new ways about the use of dating apps and dating in general than I used to think.  My thinking is that it should start more casual, for example.  However, almost all dating apps have some place for you to put your interests.  So, people will check the boxes or say the things in which they are interested.  If there is a shared interest, it's a match... right?  Eh.. not necessarily.  Because, you really need to ask on those interests... why.

WHY do they like those things?  HOW do they like to do it?  They must be questioned, because two people can have the same interests and yet have very different ways of seeking them and pleasing them.  There are also varying levels of interest in those things, and that is ok.  We don't have to share all interests and in the same way, but if we don't ask why we can create assumptions about other people that equate our own, and that is not always the case.

For example, many use religion and faith to mean a WHOLE lot about someone, but defined by how that one believes faith to be.  I have a personal faith, but it is not the same as many with very public faiths, for example.  For some that is religious they care for your soul.  That's nice, and I get what they are feeling, because to them the soul is very important.  However, I would rather have someone that cares for more about me than my soul.  I want them to care how I feel, if I'm under stress, if I am happy, or just care to know more about me.  Today, I ran for the first time in a long time and a good pace, as I noted.  Tonight, I cooked a very nice meal that I had not made, before. I posted both on social media.  I didn't do so to get attention, as my recent way of thinking is that we should just do what we like to do and the right ones will notice that and be drawn to us.  However, it was a thought that I had, this evening, that many that I know may not be liking those things or expressing interest in me, because I didn't attend a service today or post about the holiday.  They will assume certain things about me, and I tire of trying to either please the judgments of others or being concerned when they do so judge.  That's fine.  That's their perspective.  I understand that, but it isn't what I am seeking.

What I am seeking is someone that cares about the good things that I celebrate, simply because they like to see me happy, and they care about the dark times and challenges that I face, because they care about me in those times, as well.  I do believe in God, and I live a good life that cares for others, but I want someone that loves me when my day is dark and my struggles are real.  I would honestly rather date a caring atheist than someone that has religious leaning that only notice what I didn't do.  

But, that's just religion.  You can say the same things about other things.  I like to write, but there is a lot of different kinds of writers.  I like scifi, but there are many scifi fandoms, many of which are at odds with one another.  Whether it be travel, dancing, music, cooking, taking pics, or any other things, each have a multitude of reasons why they are important to each person, and sharing them does not necessarily make one right for another.   

So, I am still growing and changing, and exploring; and I will say that I am not entirely sure what I will like or what will work with me.  I do have some experience to draw from, but it is really a new adventure.  So, as uncomfortable as it is for me to ... get back out there and chat with others. that's what it will take to figure things out, and a really good way to start those conversations is to simply ask someone... why.  I wish you luck, courage, and flexibility to adapt, all of which I will definitely need, as well.

Just Be

Do you know how change happens?  If you're like most people, you think it happens through conflict.  I've believed that, many times.  Don't get me wrong, there is a conflict element to it, as it happens.  But, conflict is not where the CHANGE takes place.  Change takes place as one person at a time just... changes.  Whether or not others criticize it is irrelevant.  Then, someone else sees your change and feels more willing to change...and so on and so forth.

The thing is, though... they don't follow your example for your fight to be accepted.  They follow your example MOST when they see you happy and content.  Your critics KNOW this, because their biggest story about you to themselves and others is that you're unhappy if you are not married, Christian, straight, or any other variation from their prepacked existence.  Their biggest FEAR is not that you'll fail but that you'll succeed and be happy without the story, because that makes them question their own acceptance of the packaged life, as well.

But... that's not our problem, and it's not our intention.. and should not occupy our minds, just because others bitterly defend... themselves.  Our focus should be, instead, making our lives as happy being ourselves as possible, which will in turn create the biggest change in the world we leave in our wake.