Dating at Church and Other Groups

I have danced around this topic for a while, but it is an area that is important to consider when dating and beginning relationships.  I will not be referencing real life situations and will present it in a general way.  However, it is something that is an area of great risk that is rarely if ever mentioned by authoritative people and in fact some suggest diving right into this risk without a disclaimer of the potential outcomes.

When you date someone or consider a relationship with someone, you are not just dating that person but their group.  So, it is important that you consider your own connection to the group and what it is that you need for yourself.  It is also important that you consider what can happen if things do not work out, because more times than not in dating it does not work out.

I am going to use a church as an example, though it is also true of dating in the work place or other places where there are social groups.  I am focusing on a church, however; because, I believe that it is an area where there is the most temptation to fall into this trap.  They do this thinking that if they want to date a good person their church would provide a range of candidates that are "righteous" or good, which is often a mischaracterization of why people are AT church, but that is another point.  Or, perhaps, someone brings an interest to their church, feeling they can ensure they are holy.. a sort of evangelization by dating, if you will.

Regardless of the motivation and how it began, dating at a church comes with a lot of pressures and risks that only grow exponentially as time goes forward.  There is the pressure to be the stereotypical and pure couple bound by God.  Others in the congregation have the same personal goal and end up often juding others in the congregation for whether they live up to the image, also.  However, my main focus of this blog post is the beginning and whether it is fair to another to date within the church.

When you begin to date at a church in which you attend, you will form social links to others in that church, in part because you want to please their friends and in part because you want to establish social links and feel included, yourself.  However, as noted earlier, more often than not people do not work out in dating.  This isn't because people are bad people but because people are DIFFERENT people with different needs or because of external pressures or more.  But, when a relationship falls apart in a group setting like a church, there are others in the group that will support one or the other and it becomes uncomfortable to be present at that social group.  So, a place that once felt like a safe place has now become a place of criticism, blame, and risk.

This is especially troublesome at a church, because if you are actually trying to grow your faith and get closer to God, it can feel that the other person has now created an obstacle to GOD.  That is not true, but it is hard to see how it is not true when you equate that Divine relationship with a building or a group setting or practice.  So, it can have a negative effect on someone's spiritual growth to fail at a relationship at church.  Indeed, some might even bypass red flags and continue in toxic situations, simply because they do not want to lose this connection to God or to avoid social exile.

So, what I would suggest is what I have adopted for myself in the future.  If you want to date someone that is relgious do so at another church and do not share  social links but develop separate faith social structures, so if there is a falling out it does not have an impact on your own growth.  Further, understand that your faith is not tied to a building or a group but is meant to be a personal connection to God that does not pass through any human mediator.

Everyone has social groups, and it is natural to have someone that you care about meet your group and them to meet your interest, as well.  But, it is important that both have their own lives and foundations, which includes faith foundations, that are separate from each other.  If after a significant amount of time it appears that it will remain, only then have them meet the group.

I know I am just a person and not a qualified expert and have made many mistakes myself, so feel free to challenge my solutions and come up with your own.  But, I DO believe that it is important to consider the risks, which most do not do, today.

Merry Christmas - Celebration of Grace

For this Christmas, I want to bring out my theology and seminary training to say something that I normally say almost every month, but I will put it in the correct theological framework that fits the specific night and day upon which we find ourselves.

On the coming days, we celebrate the birth of Jesus, and there is a REASON that we celebrate the birth of Jesus in the Christian tradition.  Mankind was doomed, before Jesus came in the Christian framework.  Mankind was dead to right guilty of sin and therefore unpure to receive from God and to eventually be in the presence of God.  Scripture tells us that "there is none righteous.. no not one" and "all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" .. so mankind needed a payment for their sins.  Per Christian teaching, that person was Jesus.. God, born of a virgin woman.. not just any virgin woman, though.  He was born from the people and in the place that would be least accepted and least assumed to be worthy of redemption.. let alone to provide it.

Then, what did Jesus do to gain authority?  Well.. nothing.  He pissed off the religious that were in power and called them snake and vipers.  He didn't go to the government for backing, either.  For the first 30 years, he worked as a carpenter and didn't do anything to gain power.  Then, he went out and started talking to people in fields and healing and feeding them... showing actual love for the needy that was rejected by the religious bodies and governments of the day... often doing so would make Him an outcast for choosing to love them.  When the religious bodies of the day felt threatened by the numbers of people that were following him, they would demand that the government kill Jesus.

So, it wasn't about being worshiped in a temple.  It wasn't about people thrusting praise and acceptance upon Him.  God saw to it that that would not happen.  It was God choosing to use the least worthy birth to lead to a least worthy leader to serve as payment for the least worthy people.. us.

So, as you celebrate Christmas this year, do so remembering that you are only included in being able to receive it, because God decided that your failures and sin did not disqualify you from love.  Then.. go and do likewise. 

Live Justly, Love Mercy

In this period of the year, many churches are reflecting on the time when by Scripture and tradition Jesus was most representative of man in carrying our sins to death.  The cross is covered, and the message culminating in a period during which God was absent from man form until resurrection.  

Many don't understand why this took place.  And, many do not accept that any man's death could satisfy debt and why it would even be necessary.

Recall that when Moses was coming into the presence of God, he was told to cover his face, because if he saw God's holiness he'd die.  Why would that be necessary?  To understand this, you must look to justice.  

I'm sure many of you have had others wrong you in some major ways.  I know I definitely have.  Our hearts cry out for the balance of justice.  That's the basis for our own justice system in every country.  There must be a consequence for those actions to make up for the evil that was done.  Humans naturally fear a day of judgment for their sins, because how can they look upon the face of God with things done to God's creatures.

Meanwhile, God is over there wanting to connect with God's children in love.  How can the two be reconciled?  How can God be present with those God loves, and how can man face God?  So, God designed a system where the debt for every single was laid upon God.  Then, anyone that repents and accepts that payment has that debt covered.  Any victim can point to Christ as the payment and walk in to God without fear.

This act does not mean no debt was due.  Just like Jesus being unworthy of audience with God during the sacrifice, we are unworthy without God.  

So.. my message would simply be this in this week, as Scripture says itself.  Do justly , because you love mercy and being unworthy live worthy lives based in gratitude and love and not by command.  Personally, that is a sum of faith to me.

Love Fruit

I was in a class at my new church, today, and they were discussing a few Hebrew words for love in the Old Testament.  One prompted a deeper meaning for me, and I wanted to blog about it.

The word is Rakham or Rechem (I know from my own theological studies in the past there were no vowels in Biblical Hebrew).  It means compassion but is also a word variant of the Biblical word for womb.

What, then, transpired was my realization that love is a thing that brings forth fruit.. it CREATES life.  It creates new.

Especially right now as I'm experiencing the effects of new love, I can so clearly see this effect in operation.  As love persists and grows, it extends and nurtures an amazing new life that will result if it is given care and food.

I've struggled with examples of "religion" that we so often see in this world, and my own religious training made it hard to accept any man made form as genuine and not based in power or greed.  But... that's not love.

When LOVE exists, whether religious or family or relationship, it covers rather than pressures, heals rather than harms, and it grows into something new and amazing.  So, may you experience and give that kind of love this Christmas season for the birth of a very worthy year to come.

Just Be

Do you know how change happens?  If you're like most people, you think it happens through conflict.  I've believed that, many times.  Don't get me wrong, there is a conflict element to it, as it happens.  But, conflict is not where the CHANGE takes place.  Change takes place as one person at a time just... changes.  Whether or not others criticize it is irrelevant.  Then, someone else sees your change and feels more willing to change...and so on and so forth.

The thing is, though... they don't follow your example for your fight to be accepted.  They follow your example MOST when they see you happy and content.  Your critics KNOW this, because their biggest story about you to themselves and others is that you're unhappy if you are not married, Christian, straight, or any other variation from their prepacked existence.  Their biggest FEAR is not that you'll fail but that you'll succeed and be happy without the story, because that makes them question their own acceptance of the packaged life, as well.

But... that's not our problem, and it's not our intention.. and should not occupy our minds, just because others bitterly defend... themselves.  Our focus should be, instead, making our lives as happy being ourselves as possible, which will in turn create the biggest change in the world we leave in our wake.

Anti Christian

I am not Anti Christ, but I am most definitely anti Christian... at least organized bodies made by men.  And, I believe Christ would be, as well. 

When I got a Bible degree and most of a Seminary degree at a university founded by the leader of the "moral majority" movement, I abandoned it after more and more experiences seeing the church in action.  I knew that I could never be a part of such a hypocritical and hateful foundation they adopted in practice, apart from their holiday services or when they wanted to collect donations.  So, i left... with one course remaining in a seminary degree... a course that would require me to go out and call people evil to their face.

Fast forward over a decade later, and nothing I've seen changes my mind.  I've noted non Christ like behavior by my ex and churches in which I've served.  I've noted how the church spends WAY more time condemning people for their political party, choice of attire who who they love than they do the poor and homeless on the street... now including wanting to arrest poor immigrants fleeing harm and separate them from their children.  Now, we see them praising a multiple sexual abuser, financial criminal felon who can't seem to go one post without spewing hatred of .. well.. everyone, even his own party members or former VP and cabinet members and who cheated on his pregnant wife with a porn star... even as they find the audacity to claim moral authority to judge the personal choices of women and children.

You will never get me in another church, until the church is willing to condemn it's own leaders with the same vigor as citizens or better yet openly says they will condemn no one at all.  Til then, I'll live happily free from them and willingly condemned as an anti Christian demon.

Deliver Me From Evangelicals

I've said it before.  I can only co conclude based on what I've seen.

One year ago today, my very religious ex decided upon me dropping off my child after our weekend to block all future weekends for my child to be with her dad.  Was it because I did something terrible?  Threatening?  Angrily?  Nope.  We had just spent a weekend together after months of my having to be face down following eye surgery.  We had pleasant conversations, as usual.  The only thing I did was suggest my daughter should apologize for not spending her summer with me as I was entitled.  I had said in the Spring that as much as I wanted to see her I would understand if she had a job and couldn't spend the summer with me. Come summer, my ex texted that my daughter was LOOKING for a job and would be home as she did it... not the deal but ok.  The summer would pass and almost all was without a job but not with me.  So, I said she should apologize, and that set off my ex, who then said I wasn't a good influence on her, and as her mom she "had power" over that.  I noted it was kidnapping and illegal per custody agreement, but she said if i didn't like it "sue me but you won't win before she's 18."  Over the next 6 months of my sending my daughter both Christmas and birthday/graduation gifts...and attending her graduation.. I had good communication with my child via text, til a very long message from "my daughter" that went on several days and said things my child would know wasn't true (indicating it was my ex writing it) I was told to stay out of her life and that I was blocked.  I am almost certain it was my ex writing it, as it didn't match any prior conversations or style, but my ex had 6 months of uninterrupted propaganda aimed at my child to say unchallenged lies, too.  Bearing false witness and not honoring my child's father.

But, that is not my only experience with evangelicals by far.  I had many experience times upon which to base judgment.  I served as a greater in an evangelical church for over a year.  Then, my child got pneumonia.  No one from that church would visit the hospital, and when we returned there would be no prayers for my child, even though they knew my experience.  

I had an evangelical say "god" told her not to date me, after her lesbian daughter objected to her mom that she was dating.  I had an evangelical pastor friend of my 2nd ex that was scheduled to be out wedding officiant post on my FB page on my birthday the week of my wedding that he hoped "I would find Jesus" after he knew I was a long Christian and had a Bible degree.  What he DIDN'T know was his friend I was marrying was a family witch.  And,  I've had a LONG history of evangelical friends unfriend and abandoned me for questioning their political hero or being Democrat.

So, between my history with evangelicals and seeing them judge and condemn anyone different from them I think maybe the Lord's prayer was misinterpreted.  Instead of deliver us fron evil, it should be deliver us from evangelicals, because they seem to be the source of the anger and division in our world, today... following in a long tradition going back to burning witches, religious wars, and invading the middle east to convert by the sword in the crusades.  "God is love," is a popular thing for them to say in non election years,  but it definitely isn't something seen in our lives.