When you date someone or consider a relationship with someone, you are not just dating that person but their group. So, it is important that you consider your own connection to the group and what it is that you need for yourself. It is also important that you consider what can happen if things do not work out, because more times than not in dating it does not work out.
I am going to use a church as an example, though it is also true of dating in the work place or other places where there are social groups. I am focusing on a church, however; because, I believe that it is an area where there is the most temptation to fall into this trap. They do this thinking that if they want to date a good person their church would provide a range of candidates that are "righteous" or good, which is often a mischaracterization of why people are AT church, but that is another point. Or, perhaps, someone brings an interest to their church, feeling they can ensure they are holy.. a sort of evangelization by dating, if you will.
Regardless of the motivation and how it began, dating at a church comes with a lot of pressures and risks that only grow exponentially as time goes forward. There is the pressure to be the stereotypical and pure couple bound by God. Others in the congregation have the same personal goal and end up often juding others in the congregation for whether they live up to the image, also. However, my main focus of this blog post is the beginning and whether it is fair to another to date within the church.
When you begin to date at a church in which you attend, you will form social links to others in that church, in part because you want to please their friends and in part because you want to establish social links and feel included, yourself. However, as noted earlier, more often than not people do not work out in dating. This isn't because people are bad people but because people are DIFFERENT people with different needs or because of external pressures or more. But, when a relationship falls apart in a group setting like a church, there are others in the group that will support one or the other and it becomes uncomfortable to be present at that social group. So, a place that once felt like a safe place has now become a place of criticism, blame, and risk.
This is especially troublesome at a church, because if you are actually trying to grow your faith and get closer to God, it can feel that the other person has now created an obstacle to GOD. That is not true, but it is hard to see how it is not true when you equate that Divine relationship with a building or a group setting or practice. So, it can have a negative effect on someone's spiritual growth to fail at a relationship at church. Indeed, some might even bypass red flags and continue in toxic situations, simply because they do not want to lose this connection to God or to avoid social exile.
So, what I would suggest is what I have adopted for myself in the future. If you want to date someone that is relgious do so at another church and do not share social links but develop separate faith social structures, so if there is a falling out it does not have an impact on your own growth. Further, understand that your faith is not tied to a building or a group but is meant to be a personal connection to God that does not pass through any human mediator.
Everyone has social groups, and it is natural to have someone that you care about meet your group and them to meet your interest, as well. But, it is important that both have their own lives and foundations, which includes faith foundations, that are separate from each other. If after a significant amount of time it appears that it will remain, only then have them meet the group.
I know I am just a person and not a qualified expert and have made many mistakes myself, so feel free to challenge my solutions and come up with your own. But, I DO believe that it is important to consider the risks, which most do not do, today.
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