How to Move Forward

For a while now, I have had a growing foundation of peace and hope for my life, and my focus is upon positive potential over past loss and what I can do over what I cannot and logic over feeling.  So, it can seem that in my balance that I don't feel anything for the past or loss or such, which would be inaccurate.  It is still there, and I think it probably always will be.

There is a line down towards the end of Charlie Harper (the movie not the character) in which the two former lovers get back together to talk about the past and how their lives have moved forward, afterwards.  The two characters were having an open discussion about their past, as well.  I would recommend that everyone eventually get to this level of healing.  I have had that discussion with my 2nd ex wife of talking about mistakes that were made and overall perspectives on the relationship that has nothing to do with getting back together but everything to do with mending and laying it at rest.

Anyways, so as the two are having that discussion, the woman asks why it is that she cannot forget him, and he replies "I don't think we will forget.  We loved each other.  We will carry each other in our hearts in the future."  I might have got a few words in that quote wrong, but that is the gist and is very true.  The point of moving on is not to try to trash the other person as evil or try to forget them.  We invested a lot of  our lives in them, willingly, because we thought they were worthy.  The point is simply to turn the page.

It reminds me of a quote at the end of Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium that I have used in the past, though it's been a while for me.  So, I will end with that quote for this blog and then probably go watch that movie.  Have a good weekend.

Mr. Edward Magorium: When King Lear dies in Act V, do you know what Shakespeare has written? He's written "He dies." That's all, nothing more. No fanfare, no metaphor, no brilliant final words. The culmination of the most influential work of dramatic literature is "He dies." It takes Shakespeare, a genius, to come up with "He dies." And yet every time I read those two words, I find myself overwhelmed with dysphoria. And I know it's only natural to be sad, but not because of the words "He dies." but because of the life we saw prior to the words.  I've lived all five of my acts, Mahoney, and I am not asking you to be happy that I must go. I'm only asking that you turn the page, continue reading... and let the next story begin. And if anyone asks what became of me, you relate my life in all its wonder, and end it with a simple and modest "He died."

Molly Mahoney: I love you.

Mr. Edward Magorium: I love you, too.

Mr. Edward Magorium: Your life is an occasion. Rise to it.

Redeeming Others

This post will tap into my theological training a bit, but I do want want to be seen as someone claiming to be better than anyone else.  The only person I seek to be better than is myself every single day.  But, I do want to convey something that has been stirring in my mind and heart about how we approach others.

Can someone be redeemed?  Is it possible for someone, anyone, that has failed to measure up to be restored?  That is a concept that is very popular and spoken about quite a bit.  I do believe that it is possible, but it does not come from speaking the words and poof.. one is redeemed like magic.  It comes about because someone believes they are worthy of restoration and seeks to have it.  

Yet, our society is not practiced in restoration of the flawed.  While everyone wants to believe in redemption for themselves, the average person will not extend the same grace to another that has wronged them... even if they are instructed by Christ, Himself, to do so.

Jesus said that if someone strikes you, you are to turn the other cheek for them to strike.  If they take your coat, give them more clothing, as well.  He tells us to pray for those that despitefully use us.  If I am honest, I used to not like those verses much.  I was a person that was bullied as a youth and have been used by many over my decades.  It felt like weakness to be kind to someone that is not kind, and I do believe that you need to have limits and establish boundaries of how far you go to help othes, or you will find yourself depleted and unable to reach your own goals.  However, I have been thinking more deeply on this, and I see another side to the coin.

When I was studying to be a teacher, we learned that oftentimes those that are the meanest come from homes where they are targeted.  Those that lash out to cause pain are often facing pain.  It's like the lion with the thorn in its paw.  Once removed, they become more kind.

So, what IS Jesus trying to say, here?  I believe he is trying to say that we have the opportunity to either add to their pain or give them a path to redemption... a path to believe they are worthy of love and care and respect in order to rise up.  Those that cause us harm are often hurting from us, as well.  To fuel the conflict is to give them more obstacles to overcome to rise.

I no longer want to be the excuse for anyone to feel unworthy.  I want to help all people to believe in themselves and become the best they can be, no matter their role in my own story.  So, I will let everything from the past go and only look forward to my own potential of joys as I rise.  May others around me feel and do the same.

Respect the Pain and the Past of Others

So... this was actually the blog that I felt most compelled to write, earlier.  But, it is less rosey and is something I am working on in myself, as well.  But, as I am watching the end of the new Bridgerton episodes, I find myself drawn to complete the blog.  So, here it is.

We all carry around pains and challenges from our past.  In some cases, those pains can transition, so you are able to carry them in another way.  However, I do not believe that they ever truly go away.  I do believe that wounds between people can heal in a way that reconciliation can happen, even if that reconciliation is different than before.  But, I believe that it is only possible by respect for the wounds of the past and in such way that they are not repeated.

Lately, I have shown some liking of a show of a comedian that acknowledges some of the same cynicism that I have of organized religion.  And, I will do my best not to bring that cynicism to this blog post, but it is important to note that this cynicism is not recent and is long standing, based upon a long list of mistreatment and neglect by those in religious positions or those who were religious.  Again, I want to emphasize that it is not recent, even if it can affect my perception of those that are religious.  I do not want to allow my past to characterize those that are religious, today.. even when I see similarities or further things happen to irritate that scab from the past.  I can and have tried to ignore it and be overly optimistic, but that would not be real and based upon enough evidence to overcome that past.. not yet.  And, there are many such examples of contemporary religious hypocrisy and judgment out there in the world, so it is not something that is imagined in my mind.

I only say that to say this.  I have a past with religion that should be respected by someone that would care for me, just as they should respect my past with past emotional wounds... religious or otherwise, even as I should also be someone that respects that in others.  There is no.. well, they just need to hurry up and heal.. ever.  Wounds change you, and the person that exits on the other side is not the same as the one that entered.  It is not possible to just pretend that that never happened.

So, this difficult blog post is only here to say this.  If you care for someone, you will respect their full nature.. you will love the person that exited the wounds, not giving an expectation that they will return to being without them.  If they are dark or hardened, the cure is not for them to suddenly be rich of hope and to be able to be like you.  Care for them is to care for their darkness, or you never really cared for them... themselves.. at all. 

Love Never Breaks Your Heart

Today, I was walking at the gym and thinking, as I often do.  I was reflecting over different periods of my life and was reflecting on one inescapable truth.  Love never breaks your heart, despite the temptation that wells up in us to think that it does.   That temptation is actually placing the blame in exactly the opposite direction, and indeed it is inspired by the things that actually DO break your heart.  I will explain.

Think for a moment of your people in your life that you love in your life... children, parents, romantic partners, and more.  Sometimes, I have objected to the fact that there are so many different forms of love that share a single world in English.. Love. However, this is a truth that cuts across all of them and in many different manifestations.  Whether you are thinking about a former romantic partner or a lost family member, we often feel their absence from us.  We are told to call this the pain of love.  But, that is not true.  It is BECAUSE of a good thing that we miss them.  It is because we love them, and love is not bad.  It has been quoted in several shows, but the French do not say "I miss you".. they say, "You are missing from me."  They put it this way, because it is not about what we create but what another provides.

I want you to consider for a moment what you are feeling when you are feeling heartbroken or hurting from pain that results from having love for someone.  The pain is often a result of a lot of things that we do not want to admit... so people don't talk about them.  People are often in pain, because they feel the loss of something that they wanted for themselves... that they envisioned and expected to happen, because they felt a sense of ownership and now have something that they... lost, having owned it.  They feel it, because they feel foolish for taking a chance on something that did not turn out the way that they expected it to turn out.  They feel pain, because they feel misunderstood and feel that perhaps they trusted something or someone more than they feel that they should have done.  They feel pain, because they miss someone and feel that they should not.  And, they feel pain, because they wish something was still happening that has ended.

The first thing that I want you to realize is that none of those was that they feel pain because they love someone else for themselves or who they are.  Those were reasons of control, ownership, pride, fear, and more.  However, if you strip those away.. layer by layer.. you find that under all of the noise that you still CARE for the person, whether or not you feel that you should... whether or not it is realistic to resume... whether or not they will be in your future.. whether or not they still want to be with you. 

No... love was not the source of your pain.  Love was the life and the joy and the peace and the hope and more that preceded the pain, and it is a victim in the discord, as much as you are.  Further, a lesson that I have been learning in recent months is that love is the cure for a broken heart.  By that, I do not mean when you find a suitable replacement.  Indeed, I believe that doing so too quickly will only extend your pain and delay your healing.  Lately, I have been taking time to reflect on the good that I had with those that are no longer in my life.  I reply the joyful times with them.  I see in my mind their laugh, their interests, and all the things that made me smile about them.  I do this willingly, despite the world tell you.. no ... demanding.. that you do not do it.  But, do you know what I have found?  I have found that when you do this, the result is that you look at them with gratitude and joy and you find yourself proud to have taken the chance and happy for the love that was given, regardless of the outcome..

Love does not break your heart.  Love IS your heart.  It does not depend on a successful outcome, but it is instead the most real thing that comes out of you to know you are more than a logic based machine.  So.. I don't ask you to go find new love.  That will come in time in one way or another.  I, rather, say.. look back and find joy and peace in the love you once had.  I believe you will find that it is there waiting for you, as well.