Today, I was walking at the gym and thinking, as I often do. I was reflecting over different periods of my life and was reflecting on one inescapable truth. Love never breaks your heart, despite the temptation that wells up in us to think that it does. That temptation is actually placing the blame in exactly the opposite direction, and indeed it is inspired by the things that actually DO break your heart. I will explain.
Think for a moment of your people in your life that you love in your life... children, parents, romantic partners, and more. Sometimes, I have objected to the fact that there are so many different forms of love that share a single world in English.. Love. However, this is a truth that cuts across all of them and in many different manifestations. Whether you are thinking about a former romantic partner or a lost family member, we often feel their absence from us. We are told to call this the pain of love. But, that is not true. It is BECAUSE of a good thing that we miss them. It is because we love them, and love is not bad. It has been quoted in several shows, but the French do not say "I miss you".. they say, "You are missing from me." They put it this way, because it is not about what we create but what another provides.
I want you to consider for a moment what you are feeling when you are feeling heartbroken or hurting from pain that results from having love for someone. The pain is often a result of a lot of things that we do not want to admit... so people don't talk about them. People are often in pain, because they feel the loss of something that they wanted for themselves... that they envisioned and expected to happen, because they felt a sense of ownership and now have something that they... lost, having owned it. They feel it, because they feel foolish for taking a chance on something that did not turn out the way that they expected it to turn out. They feel pain, because they feel misunderstood and feel that perhaps they trusted something or someone more than they feel that they should have done. They feel pain, because they miss someone and feel that they should not. And, they feel pain, because they wish something was still happening that has ended.
The first thing that I want you to realize is that none of those was that they feel pain because they love someone else for themselves or who they are. Those were reasons of control, ownership, pride, fear, and more. However, if you strip those away.. layer by layer.. you find that under all of the noise that you still CARE for the person, whether or not you feel that you should... whether or not it is realistic to resume... whether or not they will be in your future.. whether or not they still want to be with you.
No... love was not the source of your pain. Love was the life and the joy and the peace and the hope and more that preceded the pain, and it is a victim in the discord, as much as you are. Further, a lesson that I have been learning in recent months is that love is the cure for a broken heart. By that, I do not mean when you find a suitable replacement. Indeed, I believe that doing so too quickly will only extend your pain and delay your healing. Lately, I have been taking time to reflect on the good that I had with those that are no longer in my life. I reply the joyful times with them. I see in my mind their laugh, their interests, and all the things that made me smile about them. I do this willingly, despite the world tell you.. no ... demanding.. that you do not do it. But, do you know what I have found? I have found that when you do this, the result is that you look at them with gratitude and joy and you find yourself proud to have taken the chance and happy for the love that was given, regardless of the outcome..
Love does not break your heart. Love IS your heart. It does not depend on a successful outcome, but it is instead the most real thing that comes out of you to know you are more than a logic based machine. So.. I don't ask you to go find new love. That will come in time in one way or another. I, rather, say.. look back and find joy and peace in the love you once had. I believe you will find that it is there waiting for you, as well.
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