Futility

I saw a good quote, today,  by Michael Jordan, that says, "To learn to succeed, you must first learn to fail." I think that is a very good quote, but I think it is probably misunderstood by most that read it.

In order to learn how to fail, you have to be willing to admit something is a failure.  You have to admit that you have something to learn and to admit that what you did did not accomplish what you set out to accomplish.  Then, after that honest assessment, you need to accept constructive criticism, which... to be fair was not my strong suit in all my elementary school report cards... and to grow from it.

As I have matured, I am mu more willing to accept such criticism and to grow, not because I am broken and have no will left but because I recognized the futulity of it all.

There is a scene in a Matrix movie where Neo is talking with an elder, and he faults them for not being willing to take action to actually fix anything, because the elders sees a wider view of things and are driven by less passion.

Especially in the last years of my life, so far, I have realized that there is a lot of things in our lives that we never really had control to change.  It reminds me of the dterminism theory that is illustrated in the Devs series, but basically in the end it is just the half of the serenity prayer that says may I accept the things I cannot change.

We should take ownership of our lives and responsibility for them and do all that we need to do to enjoy those days, but part of doing that is to realize when a path or a choice is not fulfilling what we desire and to alter our course upon learning it.

In the Army, I was a gun driver in a howitzer, before I became a first sargent driver.  In that position, we would move to a location and then shoot and then learn from our failure how we needed to adjust to hit the target.  If we were unwilling to admit that we failed, we would spend all our time failing and potentially setting ourselves up for risk.  So, it is important to admit when something is futile.

So, as you proceed towards happiness, be willing to admit when avenues do not lead there and be willing to adjust your trajectory to get there, or you will fail to hit your mark and the only blame you can have for that is failing to learn.

Thoughts and Tips on Moving Forward

I want to keep this as general and free of personal details as possible, but I think I have some valid thoughts and tips on moving forward to share with others.  At least, I can say that they have helped me to be able to do so.  I have, unfortunately, had multiple periods in my life that I have needed to reset and restart from different kind of challenges, not just romantic but the principles apply.  So, I hope this helps you to have an easier go of it than me learning it.

The first thing that you need to know is that it is that it is.  You need to look at it objectively and factually, because your emotions will be telling you all kinds of things and leading you into dark paths of trying to establish who to blame or what this says about life, God, fate, and much more.  You don't want to hear this when you are considering it, but... your experience isn't unique to you.  You are not being singled out to be cursed.  If it happened more than once, it is not necessarily a character defect.  You are not being punished.  It is just change.  It was change that brought joy into your life, and it is change that takes it away.

While it is important to consider things and learn, as we go through life; it does not mean that you necessarily did something wrong to venture down paths that did not remain or to love those that would ultimately not be in your life, anymore.  The moments were good, and you were good to feel the moments and to show love to another and to be passionate about the happiness that you were feeling.  All of these are good qualities about YOU.  And, you need to be able to forgive yourself for taking the risk and opening up in order to be able to do it in the future, again.  You also don't need to trash the other person or rewrite the good days into bad ones to be able to move on.  I know that happens to be the trend in our society, but it is not healthy and not valid or honest to do so.  Returning to the first point, it is that is is, and it was that it was.  The good that you had in that moment and that you saw in others was good in that moment and will always be so, no matter how we try to re-frame it.  Accept that the good was good and that it is over.

And, when it is over, let it be over.  While it is possible for things to resume and reset, that becomes harder and harder as time goes without effort on both sides.  Returning to objectivity, if there is no foundation upon which to revive it, you have to let it die.  This is a principle that also applies to much more than relationships.  But, change happens, and we change and grow.  Life becomes a new story that is happening around you, and you cannot keep living in days that no longer exist.  It will only detract from the peace and balance you can have for your current days.  Sometimes, also, things change into new or redefined connections that can be better than they were originally, since everyone is growing.. hopefully.

In growing, it is important to focus upon yourself.. not trying to change to convince someone that has rejected you or to learn how to put on a better image for others.  That is just a continuation of the problem.  It is important to learn who you are at your core, become the best version of that person that you can be, fall in love with that person, and learn to shine as that person, simply by allowing others to see you happy being yourself.  This true note will filter out those that are not meant to be in your life and attract those that will be.  This is a natural process, and you do not have to take a hand in trying to control it.  Whatever happens was meant to happen.

So, I hope that these reflections and tips will help you in finding your feet for a happy future, no matter what change happened in your life.