I'm sure we all remember that line in The Hobbit when his neighbors asked him where he was going and Bilbo shouted back, "I'm going on adventure." Typically, the adventures of our life are not met with such enthusiasm. Most of the time, an adventure is more like someone facing a scary and unsure future, but they know they must move ahead and face new experiences. Even if you know that doing so is best for you and is better than "a life standing still" to quote Beautiful Creatures, it is stepping out of your comfort zone and the walls that were erected to protect you.
I'm slowly stepping back out into the dating world. I do not intend to comment on how I am single or my past and will not reference my experiences in my posts about dating. But, I have been learning several concepts in my experiences and my time apart to reflect and grow. I didn't exhibit all of them all of the time in the past and have made and learned from a lot of mistakes as well as joys. But, how else do you.. can you... learn but from venturing forth and paying attention to how things go and feel both inside you and outside you. So, I hope as we venture forth, together, we will find our happy paths.
1. The first thing that I think is very important for you to know is this. You do not need a relationship. If you feel that you do, I would say that you have not spent enough time alone to learn to love yourself and find happiness in yourself. In my opinion, the point of a relationship is not to find someone that will love you but to ind someone that you can share out of the love that you have for yourself to them, as well. It was only after I took some time to explore myself and love myself and allow myself to BE myself that I found the balance and stability that I often sought in another. I would recommend that you do the same.
2. Boundaries. People have been speaking to me about boundaries for a long time, and I have not fully understood or appreciated them to the degree they deserve. More importantly, I have not ERECTED or ENFORCED boundaries as often as I should. Not everyone is designed for your closeness, and you are not designed for the closeness of everyone, else... maybe as a friend but not necessarily more. This is where it is important to use your mind to rule your heart. Your heart doesn't like to be stifled, and it will often rebel thinking that emotion is more real. At least that is how some people like myself can often feel. But, the heart that feels that can lead to difficult to impossible situations. It is important, I have learned, to say no at times, even if you feel something, to avoid a logical obstacle, roadblock, or source of friction. So, boundaries are not just limits you place on others but more often limits you place upon yourself. And, it applies to dating in that you should take your time and not go quickly that seem or feel right. Take your time and be willing to walk away and be accepting if they do.
3. Be curious. Not everyone is going to be like you, and that is ok. Not everyone is going to be what you are used to dating, and that in my opinion can be better. You will see them as a fresh adventure and not a repeat of anyone else. However, the point of dating someone is not just to experience new things, just as the point of a relationship is not just to care for someone in need. You can do both of those things as a friend. The point of a relationship is to find a partner to walk beside you, on good days and bad.
I have a lot more I could say, but that is enough for now. I am giving advice as I have come to see it, but I will quickly say that I do not know enough and have much to learn. So, if you disagree with what I say, that is fine. You might be right. But, I hope what I DO say will help someone else, along the way.
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