Attachment Styles

So, big disclaimer.. I am not a psychologist or counselor of any kind.  Nor do I claim any authority or ability in that regard due to my readings or Bible degree, even as some feel that gives authority in all matters.  But, what I will do is give a little of my own peace and understanding that came from considering this in my reflections and how it has given me more guidance for my life.  In my opinion, they are one of the most important things that you can understand to help you in not only identifying potential mates but learning how to interact with different people, according to their style.

There are different types of attachment styles, describing how one connects with others in an interpersonal way.  Almost all of them have names that are easily seen as insulting, causing people to want to deny that they fit in one category or another.  But, they are simply groupings of how one interacts, caused either by past experiences or by personality traits.  Much like Love Languages, not understanding them can cause you to interact in poor ways or seek things that others cannot give.  

I want to make one thing very clear, however.  My saying this is not an attack, and it is not meant to be insulting to anyone of any group.  My purpose here is not to be conclusive or judgmental but purely to put forth a concept that would be good for you to explore.  It has definitely helped me to make sense of things.

Depending on who you are watching in a video or reading in an article there are a different number of attachment styles.  I personally fit more the anxious attachment style.  When someone first said that, I had a very defensive reaction, as many do to hearing their style.  That is probably, because we are in some way critical of our own style, already.  However, it is not something to fear but to embrace, as you learn to grow from it towards a way that can interact better with others.

The anxious attachment style is  a type that find security in closeness and emotional feedback from others.  They will often fail to set healthy boundaries for themselves and will give up much of themselves in trying to please other people.  They draw inner validation from the closeness that they get, and as such they will notice subtle shifts in someone's expression or reaction and can often misinterpret them to be about themselves.  Yes.. I am being hard on myself with this, and I am working on each of these, even as I know that being an emotionally driven person that many of them will always remain in some degree.  We can also be very passionately expressive and empathetic, as well, which many draw from for their strength.

Another type is dismissive avoidant attachment.  This is either the result of the past or a feature of their personality.  Sometimes, an anxious person can become avoidant for a period.  This type values independence and fears losing that to someone else in drawing close.  They have learned that emotional closeness can be risky, so drawing close to them does not cause peace but insecurity.  They need time alone to balance and distance.  It does not mean that they do not care.  It is just that this caring comes with walls.  It also allows them to set the boundaries that the anxious person can lack and to focus on pursuit of their goals without distraction, and they can add the mentally balancing portion of a relationship to an anxious one, as well.

How this is important and why I am doing the blog is that the interaction of these two can be explosive and self destructive to both sides.  When a conflict happens, the anxious person wants to draw close, which causes the avoidant to pull away which causes the anxious to become more anxious and pull closer and so on and so forth.  It is not because either side is consciously doing anything wrong.  Indeed, both are trying to love the other in the best way they know to do it as themselves, though in the moment of emotions neither may be fully appreciating the affect on the other.

So.. again.. I am not doing this blog to say anyone is wrong or broken.  The point is simply that this is obviously a VERY important thing for people to consider in choosing who to date and how to operate in relationships.  Understanding it has given me much peace of myself and of others.  So, I felt it was a good thing to share here, as well.