Go For It But Learn

My philosophy.. especially lately.. is to always try things and see if it responds back to you.  I don't just mean romantically or friendship but location and situation.

You've heard me blog about the principle of resonance and how you can ring and ring but if something is not like you it won't ring any bells in them, too.  But, the tricky thing about resonance, though, is you cannot know if it is there til you try for it. 

However, the lesson that I've always been slow at learning is if there is not resonance, you need to stop sitting there banging your bell, expecting something to happen.  I'm getting better at it, but it took almost 4 years of almost monthly crisis for me to realize that Florida was not working for me. I know that I wanted to be here with my child, but I would end up having to work so hard to try to meet the expenses that you find in Florida that I was always working, even on weekends when I often had them.  And, I was always struggling to be able to afford presents and to enjoy the time that I had with them.

If I had spent the time in Oklahoma, instead, I could have afforded trips down to see them very often, more expensive gifts, and probably a better relationship overall. I thought it would be a good gesture that they would have seen about me coming down to spend my time near them when all they wanted to was be able to talk to me every now and then and for me to give them space to grow as a young as a growing teen.

There was five years that she's lived with me mainly for custody, and her mother didn't move to be close to us.  I thought my being here would have been something that would have meant something. 

But, look at now...even though their mother didn't make the journey to live near them, during those 5 years, they now have a semi functional relationship and they are currently living in her house.  So, those 5 years didn't obviously do much damage. If I had, instead, stayed in Oklahoma, built up a good career with good money and possibly even established a good family there, they would have been much more happy coming to visit for summers and winters and be able to live the kind of income lifestyle that I know is one of the reasons that they like to live with their mom. Sometimes, sacrifice for someone else us not for someone else but their perception of you, and sometimes it's just stupid.

If you feel you are trying over and over and not seeing resonance with your plan, it sounds like you're on the wrong plan and need to make some adjustments.  That's what I'm doing, now.  And,  I will be more quick to judge things by what results or efforts I see or lack thereof than just on hope and desire to see.  And, I will only invest my time in things that I feel working back with me.

Be Happy Alone

 I know it’s very off trend, especially in this time before holidays.  But, you can be happy as a single person.  Am I suggesting that forever?  No.  But, bowing to pressure to be a couple is the story in part of how I ended up with two bad matches for my emotional needs.. my 2nd ex was literally proposed to at Christmas.

I am very slowly building up this blog into a vision I have in my head without the time to focus on it, so it will take some time.  But, while I will include some elements that the romantic will like, I plan to also include a roadmap to happiness if you remain single.  I may be in that camp, for all I know.  

You can be single and be happy.  You can buy yourself flowers as Miley says.  You can sexually satisfy your self as Inna and Hailee Steinfeld sing and of which Emma Watson calls being “self partnered” in Vogue.

It has taken me years to get to the point of being confident that I can be happy single to wait til it feels right and be able to walk away if not.  Funny, isn’t it?  You have all this feeling of need to find someone after something ends, but once you discover self love you lose that need and only then are you ready to find someone.

But, make connections to friends.  They are more important than a mate to have in your life.  And, if you need a friend, reach out to me.  I’ll be your friend.  Just don’t let the holidays make you feel incomplete and convince you that you are unhappy.  A few suggestions …one.. listen to “My Future” by Billie Eilish in my current playlist. Second, watch How to Be Single and He’s Just Not Into You.  And make a list of things you love about yourself.

And, then believe in yourself enough to enjoy yourself and be happy with what you find.  Fill your cup, before you start pouring out to anyone else… and save some of that cup to toast yourself, along the way.

Hope

The other night, I watched a couple movies about being happy being single that were recommended by a friend of mine. The first was How to Be Single, and the other was He's Just Not That Into You.. the first probably more about being happy being single, but there are elements of the 2nd that is good, including the final monologue, which I will quote.

"And maybe this happy ending doesn't include a wonderful guy. Maybe it's you... ...on your own... ...picking up the pieces and starting over. Freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just... ...moving on.... Or maybe the happy ending is this: Knowing that through all the unreturned phone calls and broken hearts... ...through all the blunders and misread signals... ...through all of the pain and embarrassment... ...you never, ever gave up hope."

The Past

Let's begin with my childhood.  Some people had a wonderfully loving and blessed childhood.  That's great for them.  I wasn't really blessed with that.  It wasn't HORRIBLE, but it had its challenges, for sure.  I know I point to the good and happiness not found in relationships, but my life definitely had more bad over the years than the good.  One could be amazed that I didn't become a completely bitter and angry person that couldn't love or be happy.  But, I think part of it can be explained by looking at the dark.

I grew up poor... I mean POOR.  As a kid, I didn't know poor.  I just knew what we had as a life.  I think almost everything I wore was bought at a garage sale or was handed down from my older brother.  I recall a time when we were sharing bath water for baths.  We never went hungry, and my mom is a great cook.  But, we lived on free school lunches, peanut butter sandwiches, and earning our own money for what we bought after school as a snack.  We didn't have cable.  We had an old tv and a big antenna out in our rural town that we turned with a pipe wrench to watch one of the 2-3 channels we could see for television.  But, most of the time, my entertainment was found driving my bike around town or over at my cousin's house, where they had a laser disk machine, and we could rent things.  

My dad was a hard worker, and I learned the value of working hard from trying to please him and watching him.  But, he was stressed about his own life, as well.

The town was the size of 500 people, and there was almost nothing to do.  I wore glasses, and I would be mocked and bullied over my years in that school, though my academic achievements in high school and being the sports bookkeeper and yearbook photographer would buy me a little less of that negative judgement.

I say all of that to say this.  I knew where I lived... I knew my family.  I knew our poverty, at some point.  I KNEW that if I was going to be happy, I had to make my own happiness.  So, I did... I did science experiments, I listened to music, I sketched with my pencil, I explored, I read choose your adventure books, and so on and so forth. This would carry forward into other stressful periods of my life.  Through every challenge, I was always looking forward...towards a happy goal, as I was making my days as happy as I could with HOPE for something better.

Now, I will add a criticism of that, which I have only come to understand in recent years and months.  Hope for something better can be empowering, but it can also be depressing, if it is not coming about.  So, you have to realize something of my own thinking the last days in discussion with a friend and on my own.  HOPE is it's own reward.

I used to say ... let's assume that tomorrow a tornado will tear your house apart and kill you.  Would you rather live your last day stressed and depressed about that, or would you rather live in hope and happiness... right up till it ends.  If I have a negative ending, I don't WANT to know about it.  I would rather be happy in ignorant bliss.

The Present

Right now, I'm preparing for an extended period of being stuck, face down, at home following my 3rd and 4th surgeries connected to a retinal tear, then detachment, then more detachment and a cataract that formed.  It's already been a long ordeal, and now I have to go without work pay for a month and still pay for rent and necessary bills.  To say it is a lot is to be light about it.  But... what am I gonna do?  How will stress over it change it?  The best I can do is find ways to make my own joy and hold to hope.

The Future

Hope.. not that necessarily things will all just fall into place, romantically and non romantically.  The older I get, the more I realize that success means just staying ALIVE long enough to enjoy life happening around me.  In How to be Single, Alice says...

"This story isn't about relationships. It's about all these times in between when maybe...just maybe... our real life's happening."

And, it is happening around all the negatives happening in those days, as well.  So, I will hold to hope, find my daily joys, enjoy my friends, and not let things I can't change or what I lack rob me of the joys I can find, every day.