Tuesday, March 19, 2024


 Taking my first full day off in a while.  As part of it, I am re-watching Devs on Hulu.  I just felt that it was the right time to rewatch it and let it help me process certain things.  It is already having that effect, and I have only watched 3 episodes.    There are two things developing in my mind as application, but one is not done yet.  I'll get to that one.  However, this distinct and separate one is able to be blogged, so I will do that one, now.  I may be blogging again later.

In the first episode, the leader of the Devs project says something to another, and I wanted to quote it here...

"The universe is deterministic. It's godless and neutral and defined only by physical laws. The marble rolls because it was pushed. The man eats because he's hungry. An effect is always the result of a prior cause. The life we lead with all its apparent chaos is actually, a life on tramlines, prescribed, un-deviated, deterministic... . We fall into an illusion of free will because the tramlines are invisible and we feel so certain about our subjective state, Our feelings, our opinions, judgments, decisions."

Now, there is room for disagreement, and the show is dealing with that, as well.  However, there is a comforting truth to this as applied to misfortune.  I know it doesn't seem comforting, but it is in a way.  Tramlines are reality influencing and unseen forces that bring about what we see... chains of events of cause and effect.  Here are some applications to my own life, for example.

- My ex that kidnapped my child away from their father DOES have a mental disorder.  She was in a mental hospital for it back when we were still married, and she had other breakdowns related to it over the years, leading to other periods of time of being in a mental facility.  Her condition does lead to periods of feeling self importance, paranoia, "ultra religious" as I recall a text saying about her condition, and the inability to admit wrong.  People in her condition have delusions about the state of their reality, and they have a hard time working with others.  They have an absolute truth mentality that dominates others and is used to justify themselves.  So... that would seem to naturally lead to the outcome that happened.

- My 2nd ex had a past as a child that would emotionally and mentally scar anyone for being able to receive or give love.  I have noted in the past that I sympathize with her, but while I do sympathize a relationship must have the exchange of care and attention to function.  After years of being together, that past just became an excuse not to try, while only compounds the situation.  So... that would also lead to her conclusions and resulting quitting of us, as well.

- My ex friend that I got strongly connected to over last year's Spring and Summer and then ended everything and went on to the next person is life long single.  She has not been in a relationship for longer than a year, she said.  She is a veteran that has seen serious and bad things and has dealt with PTSD as a result.  She has moved around a lot and abandoned a lot over her years, and she in fact told me on more than one occasion that she would drop me too if it didn't work for her.  So... cause... effect.

- I have struggled with finances for years, but all can be tied to a direct cause.  When I was still with my ex, I left a good job to take care of her and the house, when her back was hurt.  I made as much as I could, but medical costs ended up making me sell my vehicle.  When I got down to Florida, after we ended, I got a car but was during the pandemic when much was closed and money was tight.   I would not quality for the Biden stimulus that went to EIC receiving families, and I had to inch my way up and had things like auto repairs or paycheck gaps to deal with.  Plus, the costs of everything in Florida skyrocketed, and I now spend almost half of my money just on rent.  Then, when you consider car payments and a Florida high car insurance, it would leave little for anyone.  Causes... effect.

-  I did have some employers take advantage of my work ethic over the years, and I always found myself working more than one position.  IBM replaced me with 4 people.  When I took my most recent job, I explained this, and they told me that it would not happen there... which was a lie.  I ended up only working about a week in my assigned job, only.  The rest of the time, I was working at least 2 positions, wherever they needed me.  When I left those positions that took advantage of me, it left a spotty work history, which limits new employment options.

- Finally, as I noted in a few social media posts, I have a history and mentality that make it hard for a relationship to happen with certain individuals.  I have issues with organized religion, due to my experience with some of them and my own analysis of their past and structures that allow for human greed and lust for control to take root.  So, even though I believe in God and have a Bible degree, it usually makes a relationship with a religious person impossible, as they feel the need to fix me or judge me for not validating their ... "God will provide" . mentality that has not been my reality.  I'm also not your typical alpha male, and most are seeking exactly that.  All these are causes to the effects of finding new romance very difficult.  It's not impossible, but it is difficult.  Also, I am moving to the midwest this Summer or Fall, and so it is not really possible to date til I get set up there.

I say all of this to say this.  Sometimes, it's not the devil at your door striking you but you fighting your own shadow, as the song in my new playlist says... the shadow being fear.  But, if you realize that your life is progressing not as an attack but as a result of conditions, maybe you can take a hand in fixing those situations, such as my move back closer to family.  How can you correct your situations?

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