Saturday, January 13, 2024

Finding Forward

I've spent a lot of my life following or living in illusions. I'll admit some of the time in years BEING an illusion even if I thought it was true, tried to make it true, or wanted it to be true, often to impress or get someone else. I don't do it much anymore. I try not to, though I have seen a few times that I have a little, before I caught and corrected it. So, I don't judge others for it, as much as I want to learn from it in myself and others, though sometimes I wish everything had been clear to save me from bad choices made.

    Sometimes, the illusions were people pretending to be something they are not, such as empathetic.. I've had multiple examples of that over the years that as soon as we were over evaporated or turned into attacks on my character in a period of my struggle. Sometimes, it is a place. My choice to come to Florida and Florida, itself, would be an example of this. If you had a different experience of Florida, that's great. But, I can only speak to what I've experienced.

    Florida sounded like a great idea, both for me and my child as my 2nd marriage was ending and my ex was living in a household of money in Florida.. because in 5 years of my having custody she did not choose to move near the child to be in her life, even though I would do so within a few months of giving over custody to her in Florida. My child didn't want to go and begged me to stay in Oklahoma with me, but I was choosing what was best .. or so I would believe.

    My first year in Florida was bad, but I figured it was just growing pains.. no pain no gain, and sometimes that is true. But... the pains never ended. I don't think I have had a single month in Florida in the 41 months of being here without some crisis or challenge to overcome. I've had a car stolen, a car accident, multiple car repairs in almost every major part being replaced (so... they're newer parts at least), rent increases. car insurance increases. retinal tears and detachments with multiple surgeries, my ex practically kidnapping my child, toxic work conditions, and a big history of dating lessons to be learned. Over 3 years into it, I barely have a few local friends and the list of who could pick me up from the hospital is so short that I had to contact someone I dated a few times to help me out, because of the multiple dozens of social events I attended and talked to many at them, almost none gave a phone number or lasted longer than being interesting conversations for their entertainment. So, while Florida seems like a fun and free state, it is often a lonely place for many (not just me) and expensive. People pay here rents that would be for the highest class of housing in Oklahoma for ...a room. So, as I announced on my social media, I plan to move back closer to family this summer or fall... joining the current of others leaving the state for the same reason.. the number one reason people give for leaving the state is to be closer to family, though other examples could certainly be crime, expense, the worst traffic I have ever seen, and racism towards white people by many.

    I say all that to say this. Yes.. we want to move forward to happiness.. thus the name of this blog. But, pay attention to if a choice you made for that is bringing you closer to happiness. You may find as I have often that you are actually moving away from it. If that's the case, the shortest path you being happy is to turn around and walk away.

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