Not entirely sure that subject line is the best one, but it will work. I'm taking the day off, and I finished up watching Devs and wanted to do a post pulling together many things over several weeks that I have been learning from experience and exposure. I am someone that in general likes to expose myself to different ways of thinking and is one reason I have friends from across the spectrum, other than that they are awesome people. And, particularly when I feel stuck, I like to do so to try to move forward in my thinking. Sometimes, the solution lays outside your particular way of thinking or knowledge base. Anyway... to begin.
I posted a meme on my social media some weeks ago of two people riding a bus. One is looking out one side of the bus and seeing rocks and dark and feeling anxious and depressed. The other is looking out the other side of the bus and seeing sunshine and bright colors and feeling happy and optimistic. When I shared it, I added the words "Anything can happen vs anything can happen."
On a personal level, I am at a point of change in my life. I've known it, and it is a part of the reason I have felt stuck. So much of our lives are defined by our interactions with others and based in past environments and choices. That's part of what the deterministic portion of Devs was so important, as I posted about in the Tramlines post. We think we are living a life of pure choice and freedom, but that life is often led by forces beyond us... things that go into influencing why we choose one path over another, one person over another, even what meal we want based on how long ago we had it and such. I won't go to the degree of Devs to use that as an excuse for behavior. Some do. I've had multiple people do me wrong and use their conditions as an excuse... their past experiences, their poverty level, their mental challenges, etc. And, there is some truth to that, but it doesn't necessarily define your choices.
Without going into much detail, I grew up poor, but it didn't make me angry or greedy. I grew up without much warmth in my life, but I became a warm and sensitive person. What led us to a point is not necessarily a firm rule of how we live. That is still within our power, and it is a reason why those that do us wrong deserve the blame. Recently, I saw a post... and I don't even remember all the words of it.. but it went something like, don't you miss when someone would come up and put their arms around you and say they love you or use a pet name for you or such. I thought long and hard, because I didn't want to overstate it, but I finally concluded that I had never had that experience. Those from my romantic past didn't display affection to me without my doing it, first... and even then was muted and limited. That's... a cause... that is an influence in the failure of those relationships, and when they walk away or do things against me, that is a choice on their part. None of it is a reason for me to feel bad about myself and to do so robs them of their guilt. I... wasn't loved, at least not romantically. That's the facts, as I close that chapter on my life.... another needed thing I got from Devs.
We tend to stand on hope in our life choices.. hope based on nothing and leading to nothing. Then, when the nothing fails, we feel we are a victim that those that didn't show love didn't do it or walked away from it. They were just doing what they always did. The problem was that I was not basing my decisions upon objective data.. what they were showing me. The fault in that case... was mine. I was living a life based upon false assumptions and distorted history, and even the good times in my life was not necessarily felt or meant in the same way as I took them, nor my gestures given received in the same way that I assumed. So, the first step in closing doors and turning to a new path is to recognize the failure of a path or a choice and is a necessary step to beginning anew. If Thomas Edison didn't acknowledge what didn't work, he never would have found a compound that worked much better for the light bulb. We have to be willing to leave a false sense of security and step into the scary unknown.
And, it is scary, even if you know it is right. I am leaving towards the end of the year to be near family. I know not what my job will be, where exactly I will live, what I will do, and more. I have some hints, because I lived in the area in the past, but it is unknown. So, there is the temptation not to do it... to stay where I have been living with the false comfort of.. this way works.... but... does it? Did it? The fact that I live alone and go to places alone and had little support in a medical situation all indicates it doesn't. Further, I haven't seen my mom or sister in many years. I don't have the money to go see them for a flight or lost work to be able to do it. I am doing an amazing job making money with deliveries, but it is to pay amazingly high living costs... keeping me poor. I have no one that I text daily or see daily. I had one that I thought would fill that role and was talking to me for a while, but it turned out that I imagined them feeling as strong of a friend connection as I felt. I am taking more time to let other define themselves, nowadays. One lesson I have learned from driving is that if you go the speed limit or barely over it, the hotheads and self absorbed will generally pass you, leaving you in peace. That's a principle for more than traffic.
So, we step from the known into the unknown and scary future, and it feels like you are losing yourself in the process. But, that's not true. You are the same person from failed relationships that were not appreciated. You are the same one that worked hard in jobs that didn't fit you. You are the same one that did things for your children, before they grew up. You have only matured and become MORE than you were, and you take that into the new world you will be making. The best way to predict your future is to make it, the saying goes. Many things you won't know until you get to the point of decision with more information than you have, now. But, you bring YOU to the moment, and the best that any of us can do is to trust ourselves and love ourselves enough to wait to make that decision, then. The best that we can do for all of our future is to start by identifying what's true in our heart's desires and look for what works for that. And, that's my journey ahead.
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