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Friday, July 8, 2016

Jesus. .. invite only the worthy to your joy

Considering recent events...very fitting as to my wedding, but also true to whatever joy you are given...


 Matthew 22 "1Jesus spoke to them again in parables, saying: 2“The kingdom of heaven is like a king who prepared a wedding banquet for his son. 3He sent his servants to those who had been invited to the banquet to tell them to come, but they refused to come. 4“Then he sent some more servants and said, ‘Tell those who have been invited that I have prepared my dinner: My oxen and fattened cattle have been butchered, and everything is ready. Come to the wedding banquet.’ 5“But they paid no attention and went off—one to his field, another to his business. 6The rest seized his servants, mistreated them and killed them. 7The king was enraged. He sent his army and destroyed those murderers and burned their city. 8“Then he said to his servants, ‘The wedding banquet is ready, but those I invited did not deserve to come. 9So go to the street corners and invite to the banquet anyone you find.’ 10So the servants went out into the streets and gathered all the people they could find, the bad as well as the good, and the wedding hall was filled with guests."

Walk Away

I posted my recent frustrations so that you can see that I am human and deal with the same stressors as you do.  However, the end result solution that I always come back to and did in that blog is....walk away.

When dealing with Narcissistic people, you keep feeling that things will change if you just do this or say that, or...surely...if you show them THIS they will admit wrong and act right.  That carrot keeps you arguing and going round and round, thinking that THIS time they will listen.

However, here is the thing.  People do not change.  Narcissistic people say what they need to say to get out of a difficult confrontation SO THAT they can keep doing what they want to do.  That is why words are irrelevant.   Always watch actions.  Actions reflect the heart, and someone who does not change their actions, has never changed their heart...nor would they, as the heart is the reflection of the person, and people do not change.

You cannot win an argument with someone that uses you or others.  The ONLY thing you can do for yourself is end communication with them and walk away, letting them feel superior, as they will, and seek a positive new path for yourself.  Forward.

Thursday, July 7, 2016

Users, Abusers, and "Family"

I have had some events unfold with my sister, over the last 3 months, and I have not made it as public.  However, I think it is a great example of the concepts of this blog and a life lesson to others about the concept that "family" is not family, simply because they are blood.

First, the barebones of the events, so you can make your own decisions and responses. 

Now, before the events, it must be said that my sister had never come to visit me....like ever...with her kids to visit my kids, even when she lived an hour away from my house.  My brother and I speak maybe 1 time a year.  He lives further away and spent most of his life overseas in the military, so that never bothered me.  Even so...no emails, calls, or texts to me to check up on me, ever.  This is the foundation of the future exchanges.

Starting about 3 months ago, my sister contacted my fiance's facebook account...and contacted....and contacted...my fiance was still deciding if she wanted to reply to someone she did not know that lived 3 hours away.  However, within a week there was a half dozen such contacts.  Then, my sister contacts me.....not to ask how I am doing or inquire about MY life (that she has not ever done) but to tell me to get my fiance to reply to her.  I politely say that I don't think we should have that level of connection between our families, as she never asks about ME or my kids...let alone who I have dated.  Her reply to that was that she is still friends with my ex...we'll come back to that.

Next, after 1 month of not speaking, I go down to get my stuff out of my house I was selling, only to find ALL of my stuff GONE that I went there to gather.  The sale papers had not been signed, and it was still my house for the next week, so I was going there to get my stuff out.  Not having any clue other than my sister, I call my mom to inquire about it.  I was told that the guy buying the place had told my sister that there were things in my house that he was going to want to have gone (which he had told me and I had replied I was coming back for them) ....it should be noted that the man buying the house was a friend of my sister, so that call makes sense as casual conversation. 

So....what does my sister do?  She drives up an hour and a half from her place to BREAK INTO MY HOUSE and TAKE ALL MY THINGS.  No text or email or call to say...hey, Michael has asked about this,  to ask what do you want to do, to say we are going there to get it, or to ask can we enter your property or take your stuff.  Nope...just go in, take my stuff, and return another hour away from me with the stuff.

Then, within weeks of this and knowing I am upset, they have my EX over at their HOUSE with my daughter.  Get that?  No visit to ME or concern about any of the stresses of my life at the time (was in the middle of changing jobs and making tight money work without any aid or supportive communication from them) but they take the time to hang out with the person was so controlling and used me for her selfish gains that I had to divorce her.

Does all of this sound like the actions of a "family" or even a "friend"...or a decent human being with empathy at all?  To cap it all off, now, I am being demanded to apologize....ME...for...I guess expecting an apology for them breaking into my house and meeting with my ex or for not being ok with the abuse.

However, I am used to this.  It is EXACTLY how my ex treated me for that marriage...using and abusing my kind nature to decide what I SHOULD do for them and condemning me for the OFFENSE of saying NO...you can't use me.

And,that leads into the lesson of the post.  People either care for you, or they don't.  They either support you, or they don't.  You either have a history of actions of them contacting you to see how you are, showing respect for yourself, supporting your choices, or a history of lack of empathy or concern.  It is not an offense to want to surround you with those that care for you.  It is normal.  And, anyone that tells you to shut up and take it are only concerned with their ability to continue to use you.  Some people love you.  Others love themselves through you.  Don't let labels fool you.  "family" can be very abusive, but, when they do so, they lose the right to be called family.  You will find others that have NO blood relation that are much more caring and close.  Those are the ones to hold dear.  They are the ones that will support you.

In the last year, I have cut off many uncaring users from my life, but I am the better for it. I spend almost all my day in the company and communication of my fiance and family and friends that have been there for me through all my down times, and they are the ones that should be rewarded with the good.  Your life is YOUR life.  Seeking to make it happy by what you do and who you include is not only your option but your responsibility.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Relationship Tips of the Week

I am going to start doing this on a weekly basis, I think.  I am going to just do a quick (and has to be quick from my busy life...thus a point) summary of relationship lessons I learned (often the hard way) through the week, so it can benefit you.

1.  It is not only important to listen to the other person but to let them KNOW you are listening.  Sometimes, people make relationship suggestions to help the relationship grow.  But, if those suggestions are dismissed or rejected, it BECOMES a relationship issue, as the person suggesting it does not feel their opinion is valued.

2.  Don't take it personally.  When someone suggests something or even makes a criticism, it is not necessarily a personal attack.  It can be something that even the one suggesting it knows they need, as well.  However, they don't always SAY it applies to them, as well (which would also help), and it can come off as criticism of character.  So, the person receiving it can deny it, feeling attacked.  However, when they deny it, it goes to the first point of not feeling valued for opinion.

3.  It's not about you.  The last point of the week is...remember that we ALL have our own issues we are dealing with.  First, before you take anything personally, think about what the other person is going through.  Are they feeling devalued elsewhere and more needy for personal stability. Are they unsure about their own decisions in other areas and feeling a need for confidence.  Are they feeling attacked from others and need comfort.  Sometimes....often in fact...I can find myself frustrated NEAR my fiance, but she takes it personally, because I have not communicated the other actions in my life (or insecurities connected to them) so she would know why I am stressed, and she has the same area to grow.  No one wants to admit they are struggling with something, but when it is kept in your head but affecting your response to others, it can become an issue down the road.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Friends and Relationships

Just wanted to do a quick post on something that has been on my mind, lately, and I bet it is an issue that many other struggle with, as well...friends when in a relationship.

Now, I am not an expert, so I will just give my own situation and observations.  In my life, I have tended to have more women than men as friends in the past, as I am more sensation than many other men and concerned about time with my children, romance, and other things women also like.  I am not a shoot them up, like games, football, etc kinda guy.  I am more of a provider, honor women, dad kinda guy that finds a caring heart and liberal mind more sexy than a body...though I thoroughly enjoy the female body of my fiamce.  Poimt is that I don't share as much with most other guys than women.  So, over time, I have developed many women friends.  Then, I got into a relationship with my fiance and she satisfied so much of me and cared for me that I limited my friendships with women, which limited my social interaction in general.  Lately, however, I have debated that, when my fiamce was taking time with her friends, and I was suddenly aware I had no such friends with which to exchange my thoughts and life.  I have given given it a lot of  thought.  I need to say that my lady has not required me to not talk to my friends.  I just kept it limited, because I want to make her happy, and she gets jealous when a girl talks to me privately...so I don't often...and when I do I tell her.  I don't mind the jealousy. ..I get bothered when a guy talks to her, too.  Some consider this distrustful of our mate.  This is not for either of us.

What it is, instead, is why I write this blog post to help others.  What it is, instead, is recognizing that things have changed.  I am no longer my own, and she is no longer her own.  We are a we.  Friends are still a good idea, but friendships must acknowledge the other person in our lives and approach us as a couple, not a singular.  Therefore, communication should be such that it is public or relayed or shown to the other in the couple and get togethers with anyone of the opposite sex should be done as a couple.  Anyone that has a problem with that is trying to turn back the clock to make the perform what they no longer are...single.

So, yes.  I think it is possible to have friends of opposite sex, but it must be a non threatening support of your relationship and not a distraction from it.  Public exchanges ok.  Private exchanges rare and immediately disclosed.  And, all such exchanges supportive of the "we" that we were and not the "me" that exists no longer.  Always remember who is the central relationship that will be there when you need them, and honor that person with your loyalty and the intimacy of open trust will make all your days more happy.

Forward to Happiness / Godwitch / Run My Own Life Pinterest