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Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Some People are A-holes .. (the science of brain chemistry)

It's a pretty thing to say, and you hear it all the time.  No.... they are not evil.  They are just misunderstood.  It seems to be a running theme on Once Upon a Time, in fact.  However, life is not a tv show that can be written to change characters that were one day manipulative and selfish and the next day giving.  It doesn't happen in real life.  People are who they are. 

In fact, science backs this up.  Almost all science studies on the brain confirm that by age 15 brain development slows and by age 25, it is pretty set.  How their brain is by that time is how they will ALWAYS be.  I have had friends disagree with me at times and can change.  People can become good people.  We just have to educate them and help them to see the light.  Then, one by one, I watched as EACH of these critics became more and more depressed and exasperated, as those they thought would change didn't.  They feel they didn't ACT just right to convince their users to wake up and notice them, but the reality is that they are not WIRED to notice them.  They are who they are, and SOME of those ARE selfish, mean, and manipulative.

I have learned this lesson the hard way over time.  I believed my dad was just a product of his generation and his upbringing, so I would go on hunting trips I didn't want to be at, worked at his construction site (when I am not a construction type), and did other things to make him proud, only to have him continue to be critical, angry, unloving, and cold.  It wasn't my failure to not convince him, but it was his structure to not notice how I feel.  This was genetically shared with other relatives in the family tree and siblings that, likewise, couldn't notice that I existed and never visited me, nor asked if I was doing ok and needed anything.  They were only focused on themselves, because they were WIRED to only do so.  Then, there was my ex that fit this bill, but, again, it is very obvious from her parents that it ALSO was genetically passed down, and I can see it in my oldest daughter.  However, that does not mean that EVERYONE in that family tree got that gene or had those kind of brains.  Obviously, I didn't get that gene nor have that will.  My youngest daughter is like me, caring and concerned about the feelings of others.

Yet, society continues to push forth the belief that people change.  I think it has to do with their belief that salvation in Christ changes people.  They are a "new creation" they are taught.  Yet, again, I have seen again and again people get "saved" and continue being who they are.  Before they were saved, they attacked others, and, after they were saved, they condemned others...for God.  Ha.  Before they were saved, they were having affairs, and, after they were saved, they were flirting with everyone at church.  Now, I am not saying that ACTIONS don't change.  They often do.  They just change the OUTLETS of the natural inclinations to be in line with what they feel is appropriate, but at the core...they are who they are.

And, that is not bad.  I am not saying this is evil or they are in sin.  THEY may feel they are in sin to continue doing those things, and even Paul (who had attacked others "for God" in his confession) said that to his dying years, he was still struggling with "the flesh"...why?  Because it was his FLESH....refer back to the science at the top of this article.  The body is set.  The brain is set.  You may have a spirit, but your personality is set by your brain and THAT is locked until you die, as is that of others.

So, if someone is being an a-hole or a complainer or a stealer of your things or an angry man or a cheating man or woman, guess what..they always WILL be.  Some would say that if your mate or "friend" is like this that you can and should endure it....for them.  Well, first of all, they won't even notice you are sacrificing for them.  Secondly, I CAN endure being in a warzone, but that doesn't mean I need to move there and set up roots and call it an act of God.  God gave you a brain, and he wants you to be happy, so you should use it to that end, instead of blaming him for your choice to suffer.  Your eternal any parent...only wants that of his children, and how many of you would suggest your kids go befriend or hang out with a bully?  It is just common sense.  It is time we started using our brains, too.

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Wa Wa Wa Whining vs Action

The other day I was at a business and had to observe an employee having an exchange with a manager.  Without giving any details, the employee was unhappy and complaining...loudly...about something.  However, my point is not the unprofessional complaint, but...having some knowledge of the situation...the employee had been unhappy for a long time and had on MANY occasions had similar complaints.  My point in this blog is not to address the validity or non validity of her complaints.   What I thought was the post worthy point is to expand this into something that has often bothered me about a LOT of people in relationships, workplaces, and other personal situations... complaints vs action.

The whole time this woman was complaining to her boss...for the hundredth time...I was thinking...then quit.  Just quit.  Honestly, I would have fired her for the lack of a professional respect and mentality, but I was not a part of that squabble at her workplace.  BUT, and there is the some point along the way, no matter what situation about which you are talking, the responsibility and the blame moves away from the person that is doing it to the person who is letting it happen.  The FIRST time, you don't know it is going to are a true victim.  The second time, you are still a victim but can be forgiven for not knowing it is a pattern.  However, after some time passes, the person or business that is doing the wrong has established a HISTORY upon which you can define how that situation will continue to be.  At that point, the blame falls solely upon you, if you are not taking actions to move away from that situation.

This is a picture of how my first marriage went down to divorce, and I am sure it describes how all marriages end in divorce (or a large amount of them).  At first, you didn't see it coming.  Then, you saw it, but you thought it was a random event and would change.  However, at some point, the person being the victim realizes that it is not a random event but a personality characterization.  It is who they are and will always be.  At THAT point, I began the process of ending that harmful situation.

The same applies to has always struck me so funny how relationships and workplaces follow the SAME principles.  However, it also applies to friends and even personal goals.

Goals?  How does a relationship or workplace squabble relate to goals.  Well, take physical fitness. I have a blog on this and this blog will be put on that blog, as well.  It has become a commonly accepted (and mocked) reality that every Jan 1st people make "resolutions" to work out, but they never actually do anything about it.  Indeed, we have become a VERY whining society that feels they are the victim of EVERYTHING that happens to them, and one of the basis of that assumption is that they have surrendered responsibility of their lives to GOD or FATE or whatever.  If they want something, they pray and do nothing and wait to see if God will give it to them.  It is very much just the gambling mentality, common to church goers...they go to church, tithe, pray and say...come on....prosperity, as they roll the dice on God. Well, the solution to this mentality of goal setters is the same as the advice you give to gamblers.  It is a BETTER use of your time, instead of sitting on the ground in prayer, to be standing and taking action specifically geared to bring about the success you want.  You want to be in shape...get off your ass and work out.  You want more money, get a fking job.  You want to get better...take medicine.  DO Benjamin Franklin is famous for saying, "God helps those who help themselves."

So, stop for a moment.  Contemplate your life.  Is it how you desire it to be?  If not, what are you doing to fix it.  If the answer to that is nothing, then you should be saying nothing, as well.  Either get used to and happy with being without, or take action for a better tomorrow.  It is up to you.

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Forward to Happiness, Selected Blogs #1 $1.50

(See below for samples)

I am not a psychologist or a minister (even if I have studied both in college). However, I have had a lot of crap that I have had to deal with over the course of my life and much interaction with users, abusers, and others, giving me insight into signs of which to be aware, pitfalls to avoid, and the best ways to navigate these situations to find your own happiness. Now, I run a blog to try to help others to be inspired when they are feeling alone and judged in just trying to be happy and accepted in just being themselves. Sometimes, you don't want to hear someone with a professional degree tell you how you are not the picture of a fully functional human being with perfect friends or relationsHhips. Sometimes, it helps just to hear from someone else that has been where you are and see how they came out the other side. That is the goal of my blog and this book, and I know it will help you. Selected for this volume are blogs...

My Diverse Foundation (I can relate)
The 4 Stages of Rebirth
Tuning Out the Static (it's ok to be happy)
A Caring Heart
Trust History - Let Go of Moments (good or bad)
Words Vs Actions (follow meaning)
Friends and Relationships
Relationship Tips of the Week
Users, Abusers, and "Family"
Walk Away
All things are NOT Possible. . learning to deal
False Victims and Choices
Attracting Assholes - The Curse of the Caring
The "Shut Up and Take it" Crowd
Don't fall for the Grace Trap
Let them judge you.. Freedom

I hope this helps you in your journey from confusion and pain to peace and clarity and to move each day Forward to Happiness

Here are some samples from the booklet...

"I don't know what your static is.  It is different for everyone, and, indeed, it is different for ME on a daily basis.  However, here is the thing.  It is not their fault for being the static as much as it is YOUR fault for listening.  No one knows what makes you happy, except you.  No one knows what your goals are, except you.  Your inner voice knows EXACTLY what you need and what you want.  Anyone that does not ring in chorus with your heart is an unqualified critic.  Unqualified, because, often, they have never walked in your shoes or faced what you face.  They have not had to live your life, and they are very much pleased by the fact that they do not have to live the advice they give you." (Tuning Out the Static)

"Then, she told me that love was when feeling just well up from within you and spills over.  I told her how cute that was, but no....that is not love.  I don't blame her.  That is how society explains is something you FEEL.  Then, when that FEELING goes away, you are falling out of love.  Love is more than a fact, it is not the feeling at all.  The feeling RESULTS from receiving TRUE LOVE, which is acts of a caring heart.  LOVE is a verb.  It is actions." (A Caring Heart)

"We will not be there for each other all the time.  Sometimes people will be tired and exhausted or more focused on their OWN issues to notice the needs of the other person.  So, there WILL BE for all of us moments when we are in need but the other person is not there for us.  You gotta let those go. " (Trust History)

"What it is, instead, is recognizing that things have changed.  I am no longer my own, and she is no longer her own.  We are a we.  Friends are still a good idea, but friendships must acknowledge the other person in our lives and approach us as a couple, not a singular." (Friends and Relationships)

"First, before you take anything personally, think about what the other person is going through.  Are they feeling devalued elsewhere and more needy for personal stability. Are they unsure about their own decisions in other areas and feeling a need for confidence.  Are they feeling attacked from others and need comfort. " (Relationship Tips of the Week)

"People either care for you, or they don't.  They either support you, or they don't.  You either have a history of actions of them contacting you to see how you are, showing respect for yourself, supporting your choices, or a history of lack of empathy or concern.  It is not an offense to want to surround you with those that care for you.  It is normal." (Users, Abusers, and "Family")

"However, stop and consider something for a minute.   Of the two groups. ..those seeking grace and those seeking justice, which would contain all of those doing the harm or wanting to abuse?  How many rapists are out there asking for justice ...indeed...ANY criminal?  No, they would all fall neatly in the grace camp.  Ok... now, what about victims of those crimes or use?  Do you think victims are crying out for grace of their abuses or do they want justice?  With the exception of those that like pain and want to punish themselves, victims will fall in the camp of wanting justice.  So.... now...knowing this,  how much logic does it hold to say that those wanting grace are "good" and those wanting justice are "evil"... " (Don't Fall For the Grace Trap)


Friday, January 6, 2017

You don't have to declare something #good or #bad to declare it something you do not wish in your life from now on.  Your life is yours.

Sunday, January 1, 2017

The Fallacy of Divine Right to Control

I was reflecting earlier this week about the consistency in one factor in every single one of the challenges that has been seen in this year that have attempted to control and distort not only MY good year in my life but tried to distort that of an entire country....Trump and the Right Wing GOP.  To this point, I have been objecting to the fact that they seem determined ...and in fact feel it is their responsibility as a "Christian" to do it... to tell others what is good in their lives.

It is not a new thing for me to see.  Indeed, since I got divorced from a very controlling and destructive ex, I have faced constant condemnation by those in the "church" for that choice for my betterment of my life.  Those doing the criticism not only didn't have the EXPERIENCE of having lived in a harmful romance, and they didn't want to listen to MY experience about it.  No, they concluded, based solely upon their own life, what was right in my life, not out of care for my happiness and ignoring the pain it caused but solely out of what they WANTED to see about marriage and divorce. 

This is also clearly seen in their attacks on gays.  I recall very clearly when the Supreme Court declared gay marriage legal.  You had millions of homosexuals celebrating their ability to LOVE each other, and the hahtag was #lovewins and posts were not about their ability to hook up and have kinky sex (as the conservatives believe) but was about LOVE, and for months you had the case where the church of Jesus was known for hating love....for anger at and control of and preventing what Jesus declared the sum of the law.

However, that is again just one issue in a string of the conservatives absolute assault on freedom, iteself.  And, it is not true that both sides do it.  On the one side, you have conservatives that are intent on enacting policies that have nothing to do with them (no one is asking them to get gay married or put up "offensive" art in their house or go to planned parenthood or go to another church), and on the other side, you simply have people trying to LIVE as they ARE without someone else telling them how to be.

However, this is not just true about Trump and the GOP but it was also true in my own life, personally.  I had people that were upset that we didn't do our wedding our way and invite certain people.  We had people that tried to tell us who we should and shouldn't have as our friends, even if they treated us badly or ignored us completely.  We had people that tried to misuse our resources, and I had one person come onto my Facebook on my birthday to declare me a sinner in need of Jesus, in addition to of course our ex's that try to tell us how to live our lives, after them.  There is a REASON they are called "ex."

Well, what I realized this week about EVERY SINGLE ONE of them, is that I was focusing on the result, not the cause.  The CAUSE of why all of them act this was is not a new thing.  It goes back thousands of years, in fact.  It is in the history books, and it is called "divine right."  At, it says...

"the doctrine that the right of rule derives directly from God, not from the consent of the people."

Now, this is most often applied to kings, but it is really about power, and in relationships, it would be those trying to assert power, and in this country, the voters are the power, so it applies to everyone.

See...the problem doesn't start with the fact that they are trying to control others.  That is the result.  The problem STARTS with the fact that they believe that GOD IS ON THEIR SIDE.  A "side" is very important to them.  Someone must be right, and someone must be wrong.  There is no time for them that both can be right, or both can be wrong.  And, since they believe that since they go to church that God is on their side, they determine that their lives are the picture of good for not only themselves but all people.  Then, they set out to FORCE that life upon all others, and THAT is the basis for not only government facism but all bigotry and control we see in the world, today.

The problem with that is that it is NOT true that there is one good and one bad.  Can someone tell me what is the holier or red?  Which is right, and which is wrong?  What about the "right" state to live in or the right occupation or the right hobbies to have?  No...because those are all right or wrong based upon the CHOICE and freedom of those that choose them.  And, that is the simplicity that all those seeking control over others fail to get.

There is no response to those distorted in this view.  Don't take the bait of trying to fall for their strawman and tell THEM what is right or wrong, either.  Simply pity them for their sacrificing of their own happiness for the "greater good" and go out and live your own.  In the end, that is really all that matters.

Dress Lily

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