Sunday, November 12, 2023

It’s ok to not know…

 I haven’t blogged for a few weeks.  Generally, I want to feel that I have a good grasp on something before I write about it.  The last few weeks have been processing weeks.. not in a bad way and not always sad.  It just means my life is changing with new realities and potential, and in order to gain my footing I need to have a better understanding of what I want.. the only way to do that is to get out there, chew things over, think, feel, etc.

It took a little to begin.. at first, I felt paralyzed by all the changes.  It was the crisis stages.  I was angry at my situation more than the individuals that brought it about.. tho I didn’t eat their blame by inventing reasons why they should have done what they did.  I’ve done that too many times over the years to pacify narcissists.  But, I learned what I told myself as I prepared to leave a narcissistic boss at that job… of course he will be angry and blame me and present himself as the victim in my leaving, because that’s how he was when I was present.  It was always going to end badly.. was on that trek since I began.  It’s the exact same with both my ex’s… was always going to end with me being the bad guy for simply respecting myself enough to walk away… even if in many ways I was pushed out.  They were determined to be the victim, even while they were attacking…. The person they pretended to care for.

But, eventually reason kicked into gear, and that anger faded… Leaving a wound of self pity at times, but I was more interested in considering the question .. ok.. so what now?  Where do I go from here?  That helped me get out of the house and start doing things, again.  Honestly, my budget wasn’t really there for it, and I’ve decided to limit myself to free and low cost options, but it was needed to do just to experience a new life situation me and talk to people and feel more balanced as a person.

I still have SO much I don’t know.  Several times a day, I consider whether there is good to remaining in Florida after my eye surgery recovering is done (I couldn’t do anything till about 2 months after eye surgery on Dec 27 or longer.  So.. I have time to think.  There’s a lot here I like or could like more in my new life perspective, but there’s things I liked back out midwest too and family out there.  At least there I’m not having to consider staying in the hospital overnight after the surgery because I don’t have a friend taking me to and from the appointments or having to ask someone not that close to me to do it.  Family is family.  So.. I don’t know.

I don’t know if I’d always stay Ubereats, though I do love it.  I don’t know if I should try subbing again.  I don’t know what activities I’d like to do but getting a clearer idea of that.  I don’t know where or if I’d find romance or if I should just expand my friendships.. kinda doing that more as I just feel things out.  A single life with friends and fun is very good too.

So, I’m kinda not GOING to get a full grasp for a while, and my posts and playlists might seem a little contradictory at times, but that’s just because I’m “in the middle of starting over” as that song goes.  But.. that’s good.  It’s good to have the space to say I don’t HAVE to have it all figured out.  It’s ok to just take one day at a time and let how you feel and want and like and learn lead you to the path you take next.  Then, you’ll know YOU chose it instead of having it chosen by those that are only in your life to use you for themselves.

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