Saturday, June 29, 2024

Bad Boy

I normally don't do posts about things until I have reached a conclusion.  That conclusion might be updated in the future, but it is usually being based upon what I think to be true.  This one will be a little different, because I have questions about a way of life that I think deserves questioning that I used to believe to be true.  So, this will be a kinda open ended discussion that questions my path a little and reactions that I have had to others.

I was raised Christian... and by that I don't mean like Christ but as society deemed Christianity to be.  The two don't always coincide.  Anyway, I was taught that you should always "turn the other cheek" or "be the bigger person" as the other person that did you wrong would always get theirs in the end or face justice, and you would be blessed for doing so.

So, I can point to dozens of examples of my giving up things, time, and stress for those that would ultimately discard me, move on from me, or attack me.  As I sit here right now, in fact, I can point to my first ex that treated me horribly during marriage and afterwards, tried to steal my VA money one time, refused to honor our custody agreement, and belittled me to both of my children and said false things to turn them against me and then cut off communication between me and them, so I can't even set the record straight.  Meanwhile, I was the person on my side of the fence that always told my children to honor and respect their mom, even when they told me that they didn't want to do so... I recall my youngest literally begging me not to send her to my ex for custody, when my 2nd marriage was falling apart and wanted her to have stability which I would not have for a while.  I listened to countless sessions of that youngest when I did have time with them talk about the bad things that their mom was doing and saying to them without my joining in the attack... instead even justified her by saying that her mental condition can cause her to have those kinds of reactions.  Yet.. as we speak, despite all my efforts towards peace, literally giving my ex primary custody despite her mental condition, and my moving across country in poverty to live near the child.... my ex has them living in her house, and I am not able to communicate to them, after my ex illegally broke her agreements.  What's worse... some around me even side with my ex that did and does those things.  So... was my actions at seeking peace or supporting my ex or more effective in my life, or did they harm me?  Indeed, had I NOT willingly given up custody to my angry and vindictive ex, I would still have my child living with me in Tulsa.

Next... second ex.  I don't want to trash her, because it was a different kind of ending in that case.  I am doubtful that she willingly did things to harm me, unlike the mission of my first ex.  In her case, it was more a series of past issues that we both brought into the marriage and possibly the natural conflict of different needs on each side vs what we could provide.  HOWEVER.. and this is not meant to say anything about her choices to end it.. I gave up a lot financially and otherwise into a marriage that drained me and ultimately left me with a couple suitcases from which to try to build myself back up.  So.. was it a good thing to sell my house for the wedding and to get us into a new apartment, together?  Was it a good thing to stop working and work from home as I could to handle household needs, when she was facing back issues?  Was it a good thing to sell my automobile at different times for things like legal expenses to protect her or to cover medical related bills?  Ultimately, none of those things would save the marriage, and in fact it became a point of contention between us.  She felt that I was giving a lot and didn't "want to feel guilty" for not being able to give things back to me.  It didn't matter that I didn't feel any kind of check list at the time about it and was totally willing to keep giving.  It made her feel unable, especially for her disabilities... and that was one log on the fire that would end things.  Had I NOT given up those things, it probably would have continued and I am very aware of that.

In my life, I have face the fact that I have been too "good" for many women... literally told I was too "nice" or gentle, and I would see woman after woman go for the bad boy or marry those that they would later find complaints to say about them.  I'm not attacking women.  Men do the same thing.  We both tend to like independent strong willed people that challenge us, and when someone is completely nice and supportive, we love that as a friend.. but it tends to have a negative effect on something more.  We also saw Will Smith punch someone at a hollywood event that normally abhors violence.  Yet, women would voice support for Will for doing it for his woman.  It's not just true in romance.  People like a leader that will fight for them.  The bad boy tends to get attention, and he doesn't lose his things out of self sabotage otherwise known as sacrifice.

So.. it's something still in contemplation in my mind, and I'm not close to coming to a conclusion.  But, it definitely makes me question things to realize that in a VERY large way, my current circumstance in my life are the direct result of my being gentle and nice, when I should have been standing for myself and firm and seeking my own success that.. had I done so... would have led to a whole different and more comfortable life at present.

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