Communication

I thought I would give another element of what I have learned is a good part of finding happiness in relationships and in life... communication.  I won't give a lot of details, but I will discuss it in general terms as to why it is important.

As I reflect back on failed relationships and more, I can see a common element.  In many of them, there was a lack of communication, early, to both describe what I was looking for and to listen to what others was seeking.  Sometimes, you can be tempted to believe things are present, when they are not.  So, you feel confident based not upon experience but upon hope.  Then, when things appeared not to be present for what I sought or I was not what they sought (often because I didn't know they sought it or expected it), you can find yourself far down a path that doesn't lead to where you want to go.  Then, people get frazzled and connections get strained for the lack of something being present that wasn't fully communicated at the start.

So, in recent years, I learned to be more honest about myself and what I wanted and liked and more from the beginning.  This led to many single dates or not even getting to a date, because I would determine they would not work with me or such.  This WASN'T a failure, I should note.  You cannot gather evidence without an experiment.  A failure is a successful test.  It shows it doesn't work.  It reminds me of a story I have told many times.  I was at IBM, and a course was talking about their AI.  The leaders said that the AI learns like humans does by learning from failure.  I laughed... if only humans did that, often.  But, to learn from error, you must have facts, not hopes.

Recently, I have been absolutely in love with something that DID match with what I was communicating, and I matched with what they were seeking.  The funny thing about it was that these things that we both liked were things that we felt that we had to hide or change for others in the past, because to them we were broken or not good enough to what THEY sought.  However, it wasn't the qualities that were bad or broken.  It was the mismatch of qualities and expectations.  In this relationship, we have both been open and clear about everything.  Sometimes, those communications have not been pleasant, but they have always been real.  The open discussion has given us both clear trust in each other... true intimacy of trust.  We were able to care for each other's weakness, instead of judging each other for it and to praise each others successes without feelings of competition or envy.  Our communication helped us be on the same team facing the same challenges and seeking the same goals, respecting each other in our ways of doing it.

I wrote a post years ago about confession being a hidden secret of happiness.  Many times, people feel the need to present themselves as being perfect, and they fear others finding out when they make mistakes.  However, that also presents a false image of pride.  When we open up about our weaknesses, fears, hopes, dreams, and other things that are sensitive and personal to us, we open the most emotional parts of our hearts to others.  You get much more close to someone by saying you are sorry for a failure than justifying a poor choice of action or words.

So, clear communication not only protects you from making poor choices that can disrupt you for years, but it also is key to building the kind of trust that can give you peace and make you absolutely certain of where you stand and what is ahead in any relationship with others.  I have found it to be an important element in my own happy path, and I hope you will find it a key to yours.