You know what I have never seen? I have never... not once.. in my life seen or been a part of a loud argument that ended with one side saying, "OH.. I see now. Ok, that makes sense. Thank you for correcting me." Yet, we are so accustomed to defending our positions and feeling the need to win over another's argument that we get defensive and emotions rise and rise, literally shutting down brain passages that can lead to resolution.
I have been a part of that culture on both sides. I have felt the need to attack and defend. Then, later, I may change my opinion on something on my own and.. again.. feel the need to attack and defend. I have seen it on all sides in politics, religion, philosophy, and more. I have felt the need when relationships ended in the past to attribute blame or fault and have been the target of others doing the same. We just went through a month and a half of government shutdown, because both sides ran to the extremes, instead of running to the center to compromise. Indeed, many are being attacked right now for compromising in order to be functional, giving us a very clear example of why it is that you should not turn to others for advice in any of your inter personal conflicts. I am doing this blog post under the Dark Chronicles theme, because compromise is seen as failure and not progress, even as it is literally the only way that actually leads to progress.
As I have said, I have in the past been more vocal on my social media and more about how I'd been wronged or failed or more. I have become much less so in recent years and recent times. Why? In part, because I am more emotionally exhausted and tired of conflict, as I get older. I have also learned to value those that are steady and try to be so, myself. People should not have to wake each day wondering how others or you are going to be, that day. I like a life that I can just exhale and live in safety. That is what I desire for my future and plan to give for others futures.
However, another reason is that being confrontational is, all by itself, a sign that discussion is ending. As I led off saying in this post, no one is convinced by an attack. No one will be convinced by one. It will not produce the results that you desire to have. If there is something that you feel you cannot say in peace to someone, saying it another way will not communicate it and accomplish its understanding, either. So, it should either be ignored (if minor or being something that does not need to be said) or should be seen as an obstacle to connection. I tend to put more in the category that can be ignored than I used to do, but some things are deep enough on a personality level that it would be something that would always be an obstacle to deeper connection.
Yet.... even when values or personalities clash, it does not mean that people cannot still converse, work together at a job, or exist within their presence. Society cannot function, if we require all those around us to be like us. At some point, you just have to say.. well.. I can't get all that I want in this exchange, but I can peacefully co exist and find solutions that benefit us both in order to be functional and live a life of peace and success. We all know this, but few practice it. I intend to practice it more, as a life of peace and success and happiness is my life goal from here on out. If someone wronged me, no one needs to know but them. If I can feel free to communicate it to them and work together, compromise can happen and growth in the connection. If I cannot communicate it to them in a peaceful way, it should not be said, anywhere else either. Instead, it should serve as information to help me guide my path in the future.
People may judge you wrongly for how things turned out, especially if the other person is more vocally critical of you to them. However, again, striking back will not convince them and will be seen as validation of your guilt, instead. There are several songs that I have had in playlists over the last years, including Bad Guy by Billie Eilish that I'm seeing in concert, tonight, that basically says if someone is determined to judge and attack you then you should just accept the mantle of villain in in their story. It is my experience that people will either look for ways to love you or hate you, and your words will really have little to do with that choice. If you fail, someone that cares for you will look for ways to help you succeed or pick you up. Someone that does not will chalk it up as confirmation of their expectation of a pattern. Someone that wants you to succeed will celebrate with you. Someone that doesn't will be upset, even in your success or happiness. I do not say that to say they are wrong but simply to highlight the futility of defense and attack. In the end, saying something will not accomplish what it is that you want to accomplish, so you are better off to let it alone and look for ways to be happy, instead.
So, as I said... this is relatively new to me, so I am growing in my application of it, and it is not popular to enact in this world. But, I do believe that it needs to be said that the only key to finding inter personal happiness in this world is not by the desire to win but, instead, the desire to lose a little to gain a functional compromise, instead.
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