Saturday, April 6, 2024

Recent Thoughts

I'm going to try to post about recent thoughts, even though I'm tired from a busy week.  But, if I forget some of it, there might be another post, tomorrow.

My most recent playlist covers some of the feelings and stages, as has some of the other recent ones and some social media shares and such.  It's all helpful, as I have been struggling through feeling stuck in my attempts to set a new destination point or path to get me from my current state to a happy and inspired one.  I have a few guideposts to help... I feel it is important to be within driving distance of family.  I liked some parts of my past life in Oklahoma and recognize that some of the WAYS I sought that happiness doesn't work, so new exploration would be useful.  But, it's also been busy weeks full of financial challenges and more.  That makes it hard to process, but I have a few thoughts from the week to help along that way.  These won't necessarily be in any order.  Like I said... my brain is tired.  Ha.

I saw a meme the other day that said true love isn't rosey for INFJ's but looks like... block, unblock, block, unblock.  Ha.  I don't know if that is JUST INFJs but others, as well.  However, that's a good lead into the first thought.  I used to condemn myself for it taking to long for me to get over my last ex.  But, one thing that I realized is that the ending of true love would not be like... Oh, ok.  It's over, ok.  Let me remove you from my contacts and never think about you, again.  That's how my ex responded.  However, if something can end that easily, I question whether it was real love.  Real love is feeling hurt or betrayed and NOT letting it just go, BECAUSE the love was so deep that it left a big wound.  Even if it makes sense and is not something that someone wants to go back to, the pain remains and the change is disruptive BECAUSE there was true love present.  And, that leads to the next thought... you can truly love someone that didn't or doesn't love you.  So, you need to take more time to test someone or be sure about someone's interest in you BEFORE you get emotionally invested in them.

A related thought... question, really... is my asking myself if being in a relationship or seeking one has EVER led to good or happiness in my life.  The few times that I thought it did was the point of the greatest pains to follow, BECAUSE of my choice to love.  I do still hold out hope for the right one and SHARED love, but as I objectively and logically look at the points of happiness that remained, a relationship wouldn't be one of them.  It may has PROVIDED a few of them, like my children.  But, objectively.... I wasted a lot of time, money, and emotional strain on people that didn't deserve it, didn't return it, and would have been better spent on other things.  I need to put those people behind me and let them face their own judgment consequences of their actions and move on.  They haven't made an effort, so why am I in my memories?  So, I may be shifting to dating without a relationship in mind or non dating social activities, but I am working on that in my mind at present.

Next, I think I have spent too much time focused on finding others or paths that would BRING me joy ... like a gift.  We see this in religion, trying to find favor with God.  Or, we see this in philosophy or magic or such, where we are looking for what type of thinking would best bring us the joy that we want.  I think there is some value in that and will do that from time to time, but I'm coming to realize that if you want a better life, you have to go out there and create it.... not waiting for someone to give it to you or be your solution.  What do you like to do?  Well... that's a pretty simple path to happiness.  Go do it.  So, the path to a happy life seems as simple as identifying what you like and then creating a life where you can do that.  Sometimes, that includes helping others... at least for me.. so a career doing that might be good, but a career where there is checkpoints of personal accomplishment or financial rewards that you can spend on yourself is also valid means to that, as well.  So, I'm working on THAT in my mind, too... but it's a new way of thinking about it.

I also need to be forward focused on the outcomes that I desire and stand firm in my path to get to what works.  Looking back at what is broken is not going to fix anything.  I lead off my playlist with those, because it was important for me to consider the source of my personal doubts and feelings of self esteem, but the playlist progresses to a better mentality that is focused on what I desire, and I plan for future playlists to be more wholly focused on those things.

That's enough for the night.  My brain is tired.  ha.  Hope it helped, though.

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