The Dark Chronicles Act 2: Pleasure is Good

When I go for walks or exercise, I often do not feel it for a few days, even though the strain is present.  Often times also, I will have to lay for a half hour on a heating pad, before I fully start to feel how much back is actually hurting.  So many times in our lives, we are so focused on being functional that we do not fully appreciate our strain, until we begin to rest and recover.  However, a place of happy and secure distraction can be just the thing to help us in our days... taking our minds off the negative and finding places of pleasure and joy and among others that note our positives.  And, little by little, you begin to remember that it is ok to be happy, again.  You realize you actually have many good qualities.  You begin to accept that you can have pleasure... that you are both allowed and empowered to do so.  And, it is upon this foundation that I plan to build my next blog post... pleasure is a good and important thing to have in your life.

Maybe a year ago or so, I was reading a book called Dopamine Nation.  It was talking about the dangers of being driven by pleasure... Particularly, it was focused on how when we are driven by seeking dopamine fixes of pleasure, we can get more and more addicted to it with less and less affect.  Indeed, I could imagine how that can have negative effects on relationships that are not also built on respect and admiration of more things than can be measured in senses.  However, denial of pleasure has in my opinion more damaging affects than overuse of it.  If you go around depriving yourself of pleasures, you will find yourself in a lifeless existence and feeling little point in living or doing things.  There is a benefit of having the carrot in front of the donkey to lead it forward.  And, if you deny yourself pleasures, you will find yourself wondering why you never desire, anything... particularly since you are denying yourself desires.

Many.. especially those that exist in many church cultures, will deny themselves the benefits of masturbation, for example.  They will feel it is sinful or evil to engage in it and deny themselves until they reach marriage.  However, they then get into a marriage that is passionless, as it was based on denial of it.. and find themselves inexperience and insecure in the performance of it.  Further, many will go out and rush into a new relationship after a breakup, for example, to get an excuse to be allowed to have an orgasm.  Then, that relationship can prove toxic or rushed, all of which could have been avoided if they just clicked on some porn and touched themselves.  Porn.. in my opinion.. is MUCH more healthy than a rushed or toxic connection and much easier than going through the endless dating app interviews to get it.

Now, many will say I'm just being cynical, and I will give you that possibility.  I am fairly fresh out of a painful relationship breakup, but that breakup in my mind only gives this more weight.  I do not want to deal with the potential of hurting someone or the risk of someone hurting me, right now.  But... I can and do find pleasure, every day.  And, feeling more satisfied in that and in caring connections of others around me, I feel safe to think and reflect and heal.  

I do not know if I will ever choose to be in a relationship in the future.  However, I don't have to decide that, now.  Even reflecting on it, now, is poor timing and incomplete information.  But, what I CAN do is find a place of stability and happiness that does not require me to have such commitments and fears.  And, life does not have to have marriage as my goal to be happy, ever again, so I don't need to see that as a sign of being healed and complete.  But, that said, I don't have to and will not deprive myself of pleasure in my life, if allowed in moderation to necessary goals and efforts to move towards a happy life.  A life without pleasure is a life without joys, and I plan to live a very happy life.

The Dark Chroniciles: Act 1.. Post Parental

I had a revelation, today, as I was sitting at work and thinking of how my life had played out, as I discussed the transition that I was forced to face as my first ex turned my kids against me and the fact that among my peers I keep running into the SAME lifestyle change challenge in the lives of the women that I know and meet.  Across the board, I see so many struggling with a transition that is often noted but rarely discussed in much depth.  Yet, I have.. as I noted.. been forced to face it head on.  This is the challenge of the empty nest, and it is the first of a new series of posts that I intend to do.. The Dark Chronicles.

Why do I call it that?  It is because I have an immense experience of life in experiences and surviving and thriving past very dark chapters in people's lives... chapters that most prefer not to discuss and consider evil to have faced.  Yet, I have learned that they are often important and very educational.  So, while you may choose to condemn my choices and consider me a heretic, I will give real and practical life tips and help... or you can go consult your local priest or religious figure that never faced such life challenges and look for guidance in stories of others that did not face them, as well. I wish you the best of luck in that.  However, I will speak what I have known.  I would think you will have more success to listen, but the choice is yours.

I have two children.  I love both children.  However, I have strained relations with both of them, due to their mental challenges and my ex's intention to turn them against me to "win"... so, judge me if you must in all of that, but it has taught me a lot that is helpful for those whose kids are growing up.

1.  First, they will pull away from you and will consider your advice less worthy than even the most remote tiktok or youtube star they follow.  Don't take that as an indication of your own worth.  We ALL pulled away from our parents at one time or another.  I feel it is a part of the natural growth of kids to do so.  They do so to feel more confident in their own decision making ability or to learn from them, and it happens so that we as parents get so frustrated by the process that we are ready to let them go.

2.  They MUST learn on their own.  There are several theories of information retention, and the most effective way to teach someone something is to let them teach it or to own it.  If they decide on their own to obey you, all you will have done is destroyed their ability to face life on their own.  I used to say that if my kids where strong enough to stand up to me, they were strong enough to face the world, and that is the better gift to give them.  I think the divine would feel the same, as well.

3.  YOUR life does not end when the kids leave the house.  Your purpose in living was NOT just to have kids.  Here is part of where I am sure I will be judged a heretic.  However, you existed before having kids.  Your life was not without value then.  Your life is not without value AFTER they leave, either.  Your value is YOUR value... not just what you can provide to other people.  You may have forgotten it, but you have talents, interests, beauty, creativity, and more.  That wasn't just given to you for your kids.  I have met a lot of people that are going through your transition of moving to a house that is without kids.  What I can tell you is that even if you cannot see it, you will pass this point and find value and joy in your days that is YOURS and not tied to what you were able to give to a child.  Just as you once experienced, you can and will find peace and joy and interest and value in the small things of life... a sunset, a song, a meal, and yes... sexual pleasure even on your own.  There is MUCH to experience in a post parental life that cannot be experienced with kids in the house.

4.  You are not going back to how you were before kids.  That is past, and it is a shallow reflection of what you can be.  You have learned a lot over your life.  Keep those lessons and grow.  This is a new chapter, and welcome to the show.  There are many others that are also living their best life, on their own after the kids have gone.  Rediscover what you like without checking with someone else, first.  CHOOSE what you DESIRE to do and not what is expected.  It will take some time for you to get there.  I remember in the first year after my kids were out of my house my sister asked what I wanted for a present and found myself paralyzed.  That was when I realized I needed to re-learn... how to be me, again.

So, to conclude this post in an adequately offensive manner.... You are not broken.  You are not without purpose.  You are not at your life's end.  You are just scared, and it is ok to admit that.  No one has prepared you for the next chapter of your life, and I hope to help in that regard.  It is ok to enjoy your life, and it is important to learn what makes you happy.  I will cheer you on as you take that ad enture to heart, and I look forward to your discoveries along the way.

Stay True

Right now, the most viewed movie of all time on Netflix is Kpop Demon Hunters, and I have loved it.  A lot of people love it.  Few people talk about what it is about, however.  It has actually dovetailed very perfectly with a lot of very similar realizations in my own life, so I will touch on it.

For those that don't know much about my religious and non religious past or have been readers long enough of this blog to hear about my many posts over the past few years talking about the value of darkness, I plan to connect and extend that, here as well.  

I have always been transparent about my questioning of organized religion and my independence of religious thought, even when at times I dated very religious people.  I never hid that aspect of my thinking from them.  Several of them would at the start tell me that they didn't expect me to change and adopt their way of thinking or even attend their church... claims that without fail would be proven to be just words, as my experience... AGAIN... over and over.. has been that religious people feel it is their MISSION to change you and make you believe as they do.  This way of thinking has led to crusades of conversion at the point of a sword, burning or drowning witches, multitudes of wars, and much more.  I've seen some of the most caring and open and accepting attitudes that remain without requiring conversion among atheists and witches and condemnation from the most "righteous" so many times in my life.  Indeed, pointing to the good I learned and saw from a witch with whom I had a relationship led to conflict and condemnation by a religious person in my life within the past year... while mentioning religion to the witch caused no such divisive reaction.

I found myself tempted over the year to hide the dark side of myself in order to please the religious.  Yet, even hiding that darkness I would still find myself judged, blocked, and condemned by the very ones for which I had made those changes... because even if I wasn't bad in one way I would find I was bad in another.  I would realize what I had already learned in the past.  If someone is determined to judge and condemn you, they will.  If someone is determined to love you, they will.  You cannot control that part of what will happen in your life.  All you can do it stay true to yourself.

Thus, we circle back to Kpop Demon Hunters.  In that movie, the main character woman is hiding her "demon" side from her friends, when that was what would make her special.  Ultimately, she learned to accept all of herself and love all of herself, and that would empower her and bring her back from the condemnation she was feeling.  

People will choose how they respond to you.  Some will stay in your life, regardless of your choices, because they care for you apart from what you can do to validate them and because they care for you enough to let you decide your own life.  Others will leave your life, even if you try to please them.  In the end, the only advice from a life of facing joys, struggles, hiding light and revealing darkness is this.  Be yourself and be happy in being that.  It is your life, and you should definitely be the main character in that story.

Seek Advice Then Act on Your Own

I have been thinking about writing this blog for a little bit, but I developed it a lot more in my mind over the course of the day.  

I believe in getting information from a variety of sources.  I have on my friends and follow lists people that I disagree with in different directions.  Some of my closest friends to whom I go for advice are diametrically opposed, and I will go to people from different points of view with the same questions, IN ORDER to get opposing information.  why?  I know that I don't know everything.  I know that I am often led by emotions, and it is important at times to get information from people that are rational.  I know that I am independent, but it is important to get information from those on the extremes.  I know I have a limited amount of knowledge, so I try to get information from those with more relevant knowledge, and I think that is an important thing to pursue.  We USED to have a thing called "liberal education" that was BASED in the assumption that you needed to hear from different schools of thought.

However, this must be counter balanced by the fact that you are not asking them to make the decision FOR you, because doing so is to ask someone that is not in your shoes with limited knowledge of your life or your experience to make a decision.  Then... my experience bears this out.. when things go sideways and not in the direction that they suggest, they will answer you that you should have thought for yourself and dodge responsibility for the advice that they gave you as being made without complete knowledge of the situation.  Asking them to make that decision for you is unfair and poor use of your own responsibility and would be unqualified to attribute any blame to their advice that you followed, if you know otherwise.  ONLY YOU know you, and you are alone responsible for charting your own path in life.

So, that is the extend of this blog's point and theme.  Take the time to gather information.  Make sure that information is gathered from those with whom you have no control over to get objective information.  Then, make your decision YOURSELF about what you should do in your life.  I think this is good information for you to guide your course in relationships, careers, living arrangements, and much more in life.  Life YOUR life with with the perspective and information from others.  And, then you'll be more happy with the outcome and more successful in being happy with the course. 

Breathe

It's been quite a bit since my last blog post, so I thought I would do another.  I've made some real personal progress in the last few weeks in terms of healing and growth and happiness.  I won't be going into all the details, but maybe a few in context with some general themes that I think are important to remember and realize.

1.  Your life is your own.   It took me many years to learn this lesson, and I forget it at times.  Your life is your own.  It is yours to gift to some at times to those that are worthy, and it is yours to withdraw, if it is not a good fit or if the gift is refused.  You do not owe anyone, anything.  And, no one owes you anything.  This is true of friendships and more.  The last thing that I want in my life is anyone feeling they have to like me or return any favors to me out of guilt or obligation or even for repentance.  Anyone that has wronged me is forgiven, because I don't think that way.  I don't ever sit around saying... this person owes me.  My philosophy of life is more closely aligned with the statement that... I took an adventure.  I made the choices, because I deemed them worthy of taking the risk.  If anything ever does not work, I am usually more critical of myself than anyone else, but that is flawed as well... because, as I note in this point.. my life's point is NOT to satisfy the desires of someone else.  If I am not that desire, that is perfectly fine.  I would rather be with someone whose desire and like I am.. again... friend or more.

 2.  You don't have to have a plan worked out or understand either how you feel or what you want.  There is a song that I like a lot, that I thought about adding to my most recent playlist but didn't.  It is this one.  It says..

"I don't need to know who I am yet
I don't need to have a solid plan yet
I don't need to be the same as everyone else
I just need to motherfuckin' love myself"

I know that some people like to have it all worked out, before they speak or act.  But, my experience is that you cannot fully know what you want or like UNTIL you act. Sometimes, that will result in what you determine is not right.  Sometimes, you will determine you like it.  Sometimes... often... you will learn that it is more than you thought existed at the start.  But, you cannot know, until you act and see.  There is risk in taking that leap, and you can feel fear you can be disappointed.  And.. to be true.. it is probably a good idea to go slow into several things just to know what it is that you really want to do.  But, my point in this point is just to say that you cannot know many things, without going day by day and thinking and feeling and deciding and guiding yourself to where you desire to go. Often, you can do so without fully committing to something and still maintaining your own balance and perspective.

3.  Change happens.  I noted the other day how bizarre it can be that you would one day feel absolutely sure about your situation and connections around you and a few months later find yourself in a completely new world.  Unfortunately, I have experienced that so many times with connections to my kids, relationship partners, relatives, and more.  You change.  Others change.  This is not always negative.  However, the WORST thing you can do from my experience is to judge current situations by the past... again either good or bad.  You must acknowledge that change happens and then adjust to that change in your perspective, whether it be kids growing up or how you perceive someone else.  I cannot give you much advice in your personal matters beyond saying this.  Look objectively.  Don't judge by the past.  Don't judge by society trends or norms or fears or hopes.  Base your conclusions upon what you ACTUALLY see and hear.  You will be much better off that way.

 That's enough points for the night.  Just breathe.  The world isn't ending.  And, the world hasn't blessed you with a unfaulted savior.  Indeed.   My experience is that religion has destroyed the dreams and happiness than those that don't need perfection to be happy, but that is my personal opinion.  Take time to love yourself, and stand expectant than your better days are ahead of you.  Then, go make it so.  Till next time, I'm your fan.

Dark Side of Destiny

I've been reflecting of late on the dark side of destiny.  There has been so many times in my life that something happened that I did not like (but sometimes deserved).  And, I felt like.. God.. or the universe.. must hate me.  Then, as time progressed, the results of that event led me to either a situation that was good for me or good for someone else... or both.  I feel like I'm in a situation like that, right now, though I will not be going into details of that for a little while.  But, I will refer to other examples and speak generally about it.

For example, a few years ago, I was undergoing retina eye surgeries, which wrecked havok on my finances, my friendships, and more.  I was half a country away from my family and relatives in that time.  Then, my first ex decided to display her paranoia in her diagnosed Mania and deny , my custody times of my youngest child in violation of our custody agreement, b,ecause she didn't feel I was a good influence on her.  Then, she took that year to turn my child against me in her desire to win control over her.  Well, since I was fresh off the eye surgeries issues and facing that, I decided to move back to Oklahoma to be near my family.  That move... while driven by very painful situations.. led me to good money, family connections growth, and more.  Indeed, then I was forced out of the IRS as a new hire in this administration.  However, under the deferred resignation program, it meant double income between it and another job to fund myself and the needs of others, and making others happy also makes me happy.  I would say that making others happy is the chief way of making me happy, myself.

That is just one dark thread of a great weave of tapestry that has happened in my life.  There has been so many times that I felt like I was being cursed, only to find it was leading me to a better situation with better people and better days ahead.  Most of the good in my life came as a result of difficulty, in fact.  But, there is another side of it, as well.

Facing those difficult times has done a lot of work of refining me.  I am caring, because I have experienced what it is like to be harmed.  I am giving, because I have experienced the struggle of need.  I am humble and patient, because I have been proud and impatient and learned how to better myself in that and other areas of my past personal failure... lessons which would not have happened WITHOUT that failure.

So, that is all I want to say with this post.   Don't be so quick to curse the universe or doubt your destiny, just because things did not happen as you liked them to along the way.  Your story is still being written, and there may be lessons to be learned and good to be had as a result of those dark days.  Pick yourself up, learn what you can, and keep moving forward into what days lie ahead.  Then, you will be more prepared for the happiness that you may find in them for yourself and for those around you.

Priority and Time

When we mail things, there are different types of service levels that we can choose.  If someone pays for "priority" level, it gets there faster.  Why?  Because, the post office knows that this one is important and therefore it gets more time and attention than other items.  The same can be said for anything else in our lives.

New Year's resolutions don't tend to last, very long.  People begin them, but other things pop up that they need to do and time slips away.  Soon, those who made the resolutions surrender the goal.  It wasn't that it wasn't something they desired or wanted to have.  It just fell to the end of the list to do.

I like to read.  But, my day gets busy and stressful.  So, after things get done, I consider reading but find myself too exhausted to take the time to read.  Again.  It isn't that it is something that I don't want to do.  It's just that the place it is put in my list determines how much time I put into it.  If it is placed last, it is easiest to cut, especially if I feel the other items are inflexible demands.

This is why priority lists are so important.  It is easy to get so busy with less important things that we allow the important ones to fade from lack of attention and nourishing.  Plants that don't get watered die.  Again, it wasn't that we didn't like the plant, but our choices determine outcome.  There is usually not enough time in the day for everything we want to do.  So, we have to consider which are more important to us and give them more time in the day.

So, as you determine which things you want to have and achieve in your life, takea moment to reflect on how much time you give them and adjust appropriately.