This morning, I noticed dishes in the sink thatI planned to wash but was rushing out the door to go to work. I immediately felt guilty and condemned, even though there was literally no one there that would condemn me for not doing it. However, I've been conditioned from different times in my life to feel that I had to be perfect and any failure was being tracked and eventually used against me.
To be fair, at times in my life I was the one keeping score, too. It wasn't always a romantic partner that was the critic or target, because sometimes it was work or kids or others. I don't tell any of this to fault anyone, as I am just as guilty in my past as others. What I present with it is an example of the long term effects of being in such an environment.
Even though I have experienced this in the past, I'm making an active attempt to not continue with that kind of mentality, though it will take time to reset myself to have more triggers of self doubt or criticism and to live a life of grace, instead. What does that mean? It means allowing others and myself to fail. It means to let others live their lives their way without judgment or expectation and to allow myself to make mistakes and not be perfect, either.
I do realize that a lot of that is presumed natural in a relationship, but I do not think it is healthy in one. I am not in a relationship, but when I am in the future, I intend to live it in grace and freedom, instead of keeping lists and judgment. A life of grace is more important to me than any coupling or ring, and that will always remain true.
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