I have had this thought to post for months, now. However, it wasn't the right time, and I wanted to do it when I felt I was ready. There will be no reference to my own experiences, but my experiences have led me to understand it. And, while I am absolutely certain that it is crucial to understand when you begin to date and consider people romantically, it is a topic that I have never heard anyone discuss to my knowledge. I'm sure that people probably have discussed it, but I don't remember it being told to me.
When you begin to date someone, your focus is generally upon that person. That's how all the dating apps are structured. They want you to understand you, and they want you to understand them and whether the two of you are compatible. And, that IS extremely important to understand. So, I am not going to say what I am discussing is more important that that. However, if you don't understand my point, you will potentially make some mistakes that will affect your happiness in very dramatic ways.
What you need to understand is that every person that you are dating is a part of a community. When you are dating them, you are in a very real manner dating the entire community. As you get closer to them, they will want to start introducing you to that community, and you will feel that it is important to start introducing them to yours. It is only natural that you would want this. These people are important to you, so you want your important people to know and like your new important person. You may also be wanting their feedback on them, as you consider them. This does serve a purpose, but you need to be slow and careful with this introduction and integration.
Without giving any details, I CAN say that more times than I would want to recount I have had to start over, after a failed connection or relationship or friendship. When that happens, it will have an impact on your life in ways that you did not see coming. During your time with them, you made a lot of connections and became friends and developed habits and locations and more that you would frequent and know. However, when a connection ends, the people in the connection are often seeking their own lives, again. They will often ask or demand separation in order to be able to move on and to feel balance on their own. However, in order to accomplish this, a LOT of other people are affected as well as the person no longer in your life. Suddenly, if those people are close to the other person or if they are close to you, they feel that it is a betrayal to the other. People are sorted by whose is whose people, and cords of connection are cut and locations that were a part of your life for a long time are suddenly uncomfortable grounds to visit, lest you see them, too.
No one wants to talk about this, but it is absolutely true, and I have made and lost connections many times, simply because someone didn't end up working with me or me with them. So, my advice to you as you begin to date is this. Take your time to get to know them and do not rush connection, simply to satisfy people that are telling you to go faster, because those SAME people may soon be telling you to dump them or will, themselves, be unable to be in contact with them. In fact, it is an unfair thing to ask of your friends, just as it would be if your community is your family... which should ALSO be a later addition for them to meet for the same reason.
You are not considering a person or dating a person. You are considering an environment, and if the foundation that provides that environment is unsure, you are potentially asking someone to uproot their entire community to test something and then lose that if it does not work. Start slow, get to know them. Slowly introduce them into yours but be sure they do not reside in your community but in theirs. Let them know your community in progression and always be aware to allow them separation from your world ... insist upon it, in fact. If it is true, you will eventually get to close connections and shared spaces, but I would not recommend anyone you date joining your church, your work circle, your family, or more for at least a year. However, I do not claim authority on this. I am just telling you what I have experienced in my own life. While I am fully capable and skilled at starting over, it is not something I would recommend as part of the dating adventure.
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