The Dark Chronicles Act 15: Getting Older

I've had this blog in my head for most of the day, but I haven't had much time to write it.  This week has been very busy, and it has felt like there hasn't been much time to think or write or listen to music, which I will do after this blog.  A younger person could probably do it all, but that's to the point of this blog.

For those that have followed me for years, you know that I have embraced the realities of getting older.  That doesn't mean that I don't take actions to try to keep fit or choose a good diet.. both within reason.  However, I have long outgrown that desire among those that fight aging, who don't like to talk about their age or aging or getting older.  I don't dye my hair.  I don't hide my hair loss patches.  I don't try to pretend I will have a washboard ab.  I don't try to hide my wisdom that has been gained by age.  I will tell old dad jokes, and I will talk about the weather... the way the world is turning... aches and pains.. and more.  I stopped pretending that everything works naturally.. ha.. and take measures to help make it enjoyable for me and others and to not kick myself when it doesn't always go according to plan.  

Some will see this as a flaw.  Others will not have a problem with it.  I tend to find more that accept that I age, because if the same aging spotlight was turned on others, it wouldn't make them look very well, either.  But, I stopped letting whether someone accepts it or not affect how I feel about myself.   At this age, if that is a major flaw to someone else that I age, they disqualify themselves to participate in the next round.

For 4 years, I spent a lot of time down in Florida, before returning to where I am, now.  I met a lot of people that were in their later years of life, and I found that once you get past that insecure stage, you reach a sort of elder social club.  Now, I still have a while to go before I am really a full elder age.  However, it helped me regain a proper perspective of life.  Life isn't about looking young.  Indeed, as you get older, you recognize the full meaning of "immature" and lose value for the opinions of those that are still in the learning stages of life.  They have something to offer, but they have much to unlearn.

Getting older isn't a flaw.  It isn't a bad mark.  It is an accomplishment, and you know many of the dark truths in life that the majority won't know and won't speak.. unless you are like me that says what I mean and means what I say.  Your body won't always work well, but that isn't something to fear.  It is actually a test.  Some day, your body will have a LOT of problems, and you will be old.  When you reach that point, will those around you care for you and be interested in being connected to you and appreciate you?   There is a lot of talk about the old Penguins that hold hands in old age, and that is the real dream in life.  It doesn't just mean romantic partners but friends and more.  Who will be at your side, when you get to older ages?  If they will not, they should not be your main focus or priority in your current years, either.  I want those around me that would like me broke, sick, sometimes irrational, or needy, as well as how I am in my confident and good times.  I want companions that will like me younger or older.  And, I am grateful for the tests that make that apparent.  

So, don't fear getting older.  Don't hide getting older.  Don't change to appear immature.  You are entitled to be the mature hero that you have become, and I say you should enjoy the remainder of your life, until you no longer can do so. 

 

I Don't Know

This will be the most anticlimatic blog post that I have ever done, but I feel that it is among the most important.  We... ESPECIALLY bloggers and those in positions of influence.. feel the need to make conclusions about things and therefore to know what we need to know in order to do so.  However, how often in your life have you been fully confident of where you are, the choices you made to get there, or where you are going?  It has been my experience that by the time I reach five years in my life.. at any time.. I am so far beyond where I thought I would be 5 years ago that it is unrecognizable.  Moreso, I and how I am viewing things, is often very unrecognizable from the person that I used to be.

There is a favorite Doctor Who scene that I have often noted in my blog where the doctor is saying that we all change and are all different people than we used to be and that is good, as long as we remember who we used to be.  I like that, and it is very true.  I was who I was in those time in the past, and I am who I am in this time, as well.  People around us change.  Situations change.  Our convictions change.  Our situations change.  It doesn't make it less who we were at the time to have been those people, and we are no less ourselves in our current lives that we are living, either.

The fact of the matter is that we don't know what the future holds.  We can guess.  We can make plans off what we like and what we want.  But, my last years in particular have taught me over and over that what you expect to be true, even if everything around you seems to confirm it, may not necessarily be true in the future.  And, if it is not, it is not someone's fault.  It is just how things unfolded.  It may not be worse, either.  It is just that it is.

I have been watching a show called Buccaneers, recently, though what I am going to say about it can be echoed in many different other shows.  In this show, the romantic coupling keeps changing.  This episode, this woman was meant to be with this man, who was meant to be with this girl.  But, the next episode may have it that no... she was supposed to be with this other man, and he was supposed to be with this other girl.  In one episode this is the bad guy or girl for something, but the next episode changes the storyline on its head.  Some are of course toxic and objectively bad, but many are just.. well.. the kind of changes that happen as people feel out their emotions and determine which storyline is best for them all.  That... as messy as it is.. happens to be very true to who life tends to work out.

I don't want to make this purely about relationships, as this concept applies to many parts of our lives.  All I want to say with it and is important for you to know is that you WON'T know everything, and you WILL make changes in your life... and sometimes change back.  All you need to know is this.  The only constant is change, and it will all work out just fine.  You don't need to know how the story unfolds to read and enjoy it.  So, turn the chapter and keep learning where your story will go. 

Confession and Forgiveness: The Hardest Wisdom

I wanted to do a post about some observations that I've had over life that are important for finding peace and happiness.  This is not a plug for religion, as I'm not sure they understand it, either.  So, I will not be putting it in religious terms or suggestions for enacting it.  It is really more of a personal responsibility and reward.

I did something similar, years ago, as a post I had set as a page on my blog that was accessible from the main menu, but this post will be more of a matured expression of it.  Anyways... to begin.

What are some of the most offensive things to say in our society?  I'd say among them would be.. I forgive you and I was wrong.  The first is offensive to the one being forgiven, because it indicates there was something to forgive,  and the second is offensive to the one saying it for the same reason.  Now, what are some of the most helpful things to be said to heal from the past and find peace and happiness... the same statements.  

At the end of the Ted Lasso series, Jamie Tart is encouraged to forgive his father.  He didn't want to do it, saying he didn't want to give him that.  Ted says that he isn't giving him that but giving that to himself.  That is an extreme example involving someone that does not apologize.  But, it contains a truth.  Holding bitterness hurts you, not the other person.  It's not a good way to live.  Nor is it good to refuse to admit you're wrong and allow that pain on another.

I've often said that I'm not perfect and make mistakes.  That isn't a justification, nor an excuse.  It's just reality. I try to learn and grow from my own mistakes, but I will remain flawed over my life.  In reconnecting with my ex wife as friends, it began with a conversation where apologies were said.  It continues with the kind of grace people always say they desire but do not always give to those closest to them.  I have other connections from the past that did not so heal, either from the failure to apologize or the refusal to accept the apology.  I will continue to accept own failures in them, even if that is not received, and I will continue to give grace, even if not admitted.  My own peace and happiness demands it, and at the end of the day that is the most important part.. finding peace with others, even those not in your life or even those who should not be.  Let it go and grow.  

I know these are hard truths to accept, especially in a society that encourages discontent and blame.  But, that's part of why society is so messed up.  You can be better. I'm rooting for you.

The Dark Chronicles Act 14: Love Thy Neighbor

The final Dark Chronicles post for a while, butI think it is worthy of note.  Lately, I've been seeing the same up tick of political manipulation of morals that I've seen on both sides, over and over for decades of my own life and centuries and millennia of history.  Me.. because I tend to value speaking truth over charade.. I will call it to light.  There is a reason why I am a political independent.  There is a reason why I am a Bible trained and most of a seminary trained NON church attendee.  I am generally pretty quick in being able to identify the value of someone or something, and that tends to be proven over the long haul.  My own analysis of where culture is going from decades ago has only proven more and more true.  The basic sum of which can be summed in one concept that is repeated in many iterations throughout the world, trying desperately to find an open ear.  One incarnation of this truth is this... faith without works is dead.

As many of you know from my posts over the years, I do not oppose God.. or the Divine, though I might have a more mature view of it than most.  What I DO oppose is what God has been defined as being and more particularly organized religion...of any kind.  In my opinion, the spiritual is useful, til humans get involved being a broker.  That's when it falls apart.  That's when it becomes fake, because humans proclaim to know what the Divine wants.  Good luck with that.  I honestly doubt that the DIVINE knows what the Divine wants, otherwise, why would they constantly be entertained by watching or bartering over what humans will do?

Religion is pretty simple.  You tell people to believe in God.  You tell them that God wants the best for you.  You tell them to ask God for what they desire.  Then, you tell them that if you don't get what you desire, it is a gift of God.  There is literally no way that God can be held to blame for anything, if you define God's Will as being whatever happens to happen.  Indeed, if God is Supreme, I think the "Devil" would have a more validated claim on being God than God...IF you believed what religion tells you is true of God.

That is kinda depressing, so let me lighten it up with something that might just shake your foundations of theology.  Love thy neighbor.  Jesus said that.  In the Bible, Jesus said to turn your cheek to your enemy and forgive them.  Sounds great... right?  Ok.. now, go find me an example of that in religion.. not believers but religion.  Lately, I have been thinking about how the few examples of love that I had seen in religion was not done by the organizations but by the PEOPLE within the walls.. then the organization takes credit.  Do you know who else has examples of good being done?   Literally thousands of non religious organizations and people that do good, every day.  Right now,  warnings are being sent out by state food assistance programs for the poor that soon their aid will be cut by the government shutdown.  So, of course, the gap will be funded by churches of Jesus, right?  Wrong.. they're too busy preparing for political donations and Christmas presentations.  Tell me I'm wrong.. cite examples where I'm wrong... I beg you.

Stop waiting for God to save the world.  Go do something to save it, yourself... or shut up about blaming anyone for failing at anything.  You can spend your time looking for who to blame for the world or just go love thy neighbor.

 

The Dark Chronicles Act 13: Lost the Plot

I am trying to lose weight, right now.  As with other times, I got aggressive with a few things to that end and found negative effects like not having enough protein or sore muscles and more.  Some of that is normal, but I can sometimes end up hurting myself in my drive to better myself, which begs the question.. what was the point, again?

I've seen this at other times in my own life and the life of others.  I have noted a few in other blog posts at times.  But, it can be found in many things where people don't like to admit.  You can have couple counseling that ends up identifying problems that end a relationship, after being put in focus.  You can have the desire to avoid stress of work leading to the stress of poverty.  You can have many expressions of this in politics.  Like... groups that want unity and peace focusing on differences and wrongs of the other side, which only seeks to decide further, rather than following a path of confession and positive acknowledgment of the good of others which would promote compromise.  

I don't proclaim myself free of these errors.  Indeed, I led off this post with a confession of just some of my failures with maintaining positive but sustainable goals.  It is an area of growth for me.  But, I think we all can benefit to ask ourselves, daily... is my actions in seeking to improve actually improving things, or do I need to have more grace, take more time, and make better choices to have the happy outcomes we desire.

What Healing Looks Like

I thought that I would write a blog on what healing looks like, because it is something that I wish I had known, over the years.  First, I want to describe what healing is NOT like, because I have learned the wrong expression of what that would be and have seen many describe it to others.  

Healing is not adequately trashing another person that "hurt" you.  I put that in quotes for a reason, because while the pain is real it is often not exclusive to you, nor is it always objective.  My experience has always been in all of my breakups that both sides are hurting to some degree, even if the breakup is valid and important. Adding more pain to the other person is not going to cause you healing.  It is only going to deepen the wound. 

Let me pause for a moment to reflect on the valid and important point.  This is something that as a single person it can take years to fully understand and implement.  You cannot get hurt behind tall guarding walls, because you are already hurting yourself.  So, you have to take a chance, but you cannot know if something will work without taking a chance.  There will be pleasure and good moments, even in the situations that do not ultimately work.  And, I HOPE you are the kind of person that puts your heart into everything that you do, but that will result in pain, when it does not.  But, here's the thing about that.  If that does not work, it does not mean you are broken or that the process FAILED you.  It did exactly what it was designed to do.  It succeeded at showing a match that did not work, as it was currently formed.  It does not mean that years down the road, after people grow, things might not be different.  However, the failure of an attempt has nothing to do with the value of the attempt, as I have often said.

Healing is not about hurting someone else... EVER.  You cannot be healed by causing pain.  In Harry Potter, that is how the dark lord ended up making several copies of himself, because of the damage caused in creating pain in another.  Healing is also not caused by replacing one pain with another.  Yes, it can cause you to think less about the first pain, and maybe that is a good stepping stone towards healing.  But, all you really did was create two wounds.

From my experience, healing is not found in competition or blame.  It is found in confession and surrender.  It is found in admitting your own part in a failure, accepting the failure as a learning tool, and choosing to make better choices and in forgiveness of those that wronged you.  Then, it is not about proving you are right, proving someone else wrong, assigning blame, or assigning pain.  Rather, it is about all of that becoming so unimportant that it no longer holds sway over you, and you can focus on the here and now.

Healing does not mean that everything is solved in your life.  Healing does not mean you found an adequate replacement.  That comes after healing.  Healing means that you are restored to the point that existed before the wound.  That point may be messy and unsure.  However, that is healed.

For myself, I am enjoying my days, day by day. I validate the good moments found in the past, but I live my life by the good moments in my days, today.  I choose not to blame anyone for my path choices, and I choose to love myself for doing the best that I knew to do and know to do.  And, THAT I believe is what healing looks like. 

The Dark Chronicles Act 12: Columbus Day

I am going to expand upon one of my anthology notes from earlier, today.  It is something that has been developing in me for a while, lately, and is actually where I almost was back to weeks ago, before I got side tracked by attempts to distract me from this point that is VERY important for society and is very NOT an area of discussion out there for others to hear... thus it is perfect for the Dark Chronicles post series.

For how best to begin this post, I am choosing to return to a social media post that I did, before the distraction, because I think that was the point of the distraction.. to get me off that topic.  I had done a post where I  was talking about how I do not regret my past relationships, even those that did not end well.  They had things to teach me and that there were good in them, as well.  This is a theme you can see in other Dark Chronicles posts, such as And, as well as many posts of mine that go back literally YEARS but that gained much in the last year.  There is good to be found in every attempt, and I do not blame myself for taking the risk or making the attempt, no matter the outcome.  It was a good quality of myself to try, and there were good moments to be found in every interaction, whether it was an interaction meant to continue or not.  

It is the character of our society to want to put things in boxes.  Society wants us to label things as all good or all bad or all one way or another.  Yet, there is LITERALLY nothing that is all one way.  Even the God of the Bible, itself, was different ways at different times to different people... even as the Bible said they were all ONE and all GOOD.  In myths, the devil can make something sick and be a villain but God can eliminate an entire city and be just.  Why?  One target was deemed good and another "evil."  That's a little harsh, but stick with me to the liberating application that will give you peace.

To continue, our society loves boxes.  They feel they need to define their lives in terms of boxes.  Do you fit in this box or that box.  Those that fit popular boxes are deemed more worthy and those that fit unpopular boxes are deemed not.  So, men and women, boys and girls, will strive to have family structures that fit the approved boxes, feeling that doing so will make them happy.  Then, however, they find themselves unhappy, even after they have the box.  So, they try to be MORE and MORE box like.  So, they start to control their situation and to condemn anyone in their group for not fitting the box.  So, more and more control happens from more and more failures of expectations, and everyone involved is less and less ... happy... til people start to leave.  Then, the focus turns to who is to BLAME for the failure to MAKE everyone happy.  Of course, the real problem ends the same way it began... the need to force a box and the expectation to fit one.

Over my life, I have tried to fit in boxes at different times.  I've LIVED the above sequence more times than I can count, and I've often shouldered the blame for the failures.  Sometimes, I contributed to the failure in someone's box, and sometimes I was the one frustrated at not having the box.  But, I can tell you that looking back that even in the attempts that would fail, there were moments of excitement and happiness, when it was new and fresh and no one was held to expectation or blame... when it was just about caring for someone and being the object of their care and attention.  And, I've also repaired disconnection in some cases, after all the expectation and demands where gone.  Indeed, sometimes, the best thing that can happen in a connection is disconnection to erase expectations.  If you no longer own someone or someone no longer owns you (in relationship terms) no one is to blame by choosing to be themselves.

Lately, for example, I have reconnected with my ex wife.  This goes contrary to the rules of our society that says that when you have an ex, you do not continue to communicate with them and instead should thrust all the blame and pain and anger and more that you feel on them, like a sacrificial lamb for rebirth.  Yet, the end result of that is disconnection, anger, and more, leaving you feeling unhappy about yourself in that time, as well.  So, when I began that reconnecting, many were steadfastly opposed and were confused, because it was not normal... there wasn't a BOX for doing that.  There wasn't a justifiable reason for me to care for her as a person or her to care for me, whether it was romantic or even NOT.  Society, and often religion, would rather you be angry and channel blame.  However, it has brought me the most healing and peace of my entire life... even as I stood condemned by those that preach love and forgiveness.

But, I'm no stranger to choosing the unpopular and untrendy path.  I've been doing it for years.  The difficulty, however, is that as you start to chart your new direction and make your own decisions on it, there is no guidebook.  Each stage and step is beyond the norm and therefore is a different language from what most can comprehend, let alone advise.  What I can tell you is that from my experience any control or demands of expectation is the beginning of the end of a connection.  Less expectation and demands allows for more reality and more truth, since you know that those that remain do so for their own desire and not to match an image or please the public.

I wanted to do this post on this topic on this day for a reason.  It is Columbus Day.  My goal is not to justify all of the life or acts of Columbus or his people.  However, he and other explorers left out of their ports on a journey into the literal unknown.  They couldn't rely upon past experience or the words of others to guide them.  They, instead, set out with hope and a spirit of adventure to experience and learn along the way.  I cannot know for sure where my path or paths lead, and there may be twists or turns in the way.  However, what I can do is wake up each day, grateful to be experiencing and learning all the days that preceeded and step forth in hope to enjoy the day that lies ahead.  And, that, I believe, is what is necessary to live a happy life. 

Anthology of a Few Notes

I wanted to post a sort of anthology of thoughts that I'd had in recent weeks and haven't posted in a blog or just touched on them.  Some are not really long enough for a blog post and others are not necessarily where I am, entirely.  But, I believe they are all useful.

- To thine own self be true.  People and jobs will enter and exit your life, but you will remain.  Never forget that.  You can and should help others, but make sure that is never at expense of being yourself.

- Focus on what makes you happy, and if you are like me that may include making others happy. Do not limit that happiness to please others that do not add to your happiness or desire you to be happy without them.  Their interest is only in what you can provide to them.

- Time alone can be used to heal and find peace, or it can be used to stew and blame.  Time, by itself, is not healing.  Indeed, MUCH healing can also come by interaction with others, even if only a conversation or even a passionate exchange.

- Focus on problems and blame leads to problems and blame.  Focus on connection and happiness leads to that.  Choose what you want.

- Take responsibility for your life.  I have not and do not say that I do things FOR GOD, and the Devil didn't make me do anything.  Even if both exist as influences, WE live our lives and choose our paths.  Even when the path changes, I take ownership of my attempts, and there is much good to be found, even in things that fail including things to learn and ways to love.

- Finally, I am realizing how poisonous it is to try to control or own and connection to anyone.  No one likes to be controlled.  Nor do I believe any relationship should be held to contracts or "but you said" moments.  Life changes, and I think we must change in life, too, as we grow.  So, I'd say, instead  .. do good to others and enjoy them because you want to and be grateful when they want to, as well.  Hold no expectations that it will ever last more than this day and be happy when it does.  Life is never about control but gratitude and courage, and that's how I'll live, going forward.

What's it Worth to You?

I had this whole other post prepared to write, but instead I want to write a single paragraph to hit on its main points in a very generic way as context for this positive post, as it lays the foundation FOR this post.

We live in a society that likes to focus on the negative.  They want you to focus on the negative, too.  People are always looking for flaws, risks, problems, and they dedicate much time to that, believing that focus on the negative is key to overcoming it for a positive and happy life.  Yet, my experience has been the reverse is true.. focus on it leads to.... FOCUS ON IT and eventually division.  There was a marriage counseling book that I read one time by a very right wing religious counselor.  Most of what he had to say I didn't believe was good, but one thing has stuck out in my mind that he said... before getting together, you should have your eyes wide open, but afterwards they should be half closed.  In my opinion, focus on the positives to value is much more important than identifying the negatives in ANY life situation, not just interpersonal relations.

So, how valuable ARE the positives to you?  Without going into why, several months ago, I was at a very low point.  I felt adrift, disrespected, hopeless, and had much doubt about the goodness of myself and my future.  I was at the point of feeling like walking away from jobs and everything else.  I did believe in myself, but I had doubt for everything else and almost everyone else.

Then, I received comfort and encouragement from several friends, and that was very important to me.  And, I reconnected with my ex wife, and spending time with her was so healing to both of us in many ways, not all are applicable to this blog post.  But, in my interactions with her, I found someone that believed in me, appreciated what I could do for her, listened to me, took empathy in how I felt, and gave me a sense of security and hope for my future, simply by being someone with whom I could safely communicate and rely upon for emotional stability.

So.. how valuable is that to me?  Let's put it in terms of money.  How much money is that worth?  Well.. since it saved me from the absolute abyss and depression, it is definitely worth the money that I had.  Since it gave me the stability to keep working, it was worth the money that I was earning.  Since, it gave me the foundation and confidence to seek for more, it was worth some of the money that I can earn, especially as there were so few others giving me the same level of support and many were mad that I was receiving it from her and giving my support to her... people that I gladly removed from my life for revealing their lack of care OF ME apart from them.

There was a very good book that I read once from Terry Pratchett called Making Money.  In the book, a con man was picked to establish the first bank and currency for the land, and the book dealt with the concept of what gives something value.  Value is attributed by what others GIVE to it or what they would surrender for it.  We spend so much time letting others tell us what products are worth, but life is more than products.  I'd challenge you to take some time and think about what is good in your life and what good you would have in it.  Then, think.. what would I surrender to get that or to keep that.. romantic partners, friends, family, lifestyles, pleasures, and more.  If you do that, you will FINALLY be thinking in terms of VALUE, and when you put find TREASURE in the things of your heart, you will have a much more rewarding life, indeed. 

It's Good to Be Happy

It you are of an older generation, you might remember a show from which we got many actors and directors that we have in movies and tv, today.  It's theme began with...

 "Sunday, Monday, Happy Days.
Tuesday, Wednesday, Happy Days.
Thursday, Friday, Happy Days.
The weekend comes,
My cycle hums,
Ready to race to you.

"These days are ours,
Happy and Free. (Those Happy Days)
These days are ours,
Share them with me. (Oh baby)
Goodbye grey sky, hello blue.
There's nothing can hold me when I hold you.
Feels so right, it can't be wrong.
Rockin' and rollin' all week long."

You see.. it was a GOOD thing to be happy.  People wanted a peaceful and happy existence.  And, they worked hard to make it come about.  When those days came, they took the time to enjoy them, not sabotage them or undercut the value of the good that they had.

Nowadays, it is trendy to be a victim.  I took a course one time in Victimology that spoke of it. Does it mean that there are no real victims or real offenses?  No.  However, the course spent time in focus on how it has become so popular to be a victim of something that people would rather have something of which to complain than to focus on the good that is present in their lives or to take responsibility for their own lives, when it is not.  

I have spoken at times about how I have connections to many people of many different backgrounds... some religious, some not.  I have spoken about my respect for many atheist friends of mine.  They tend to be very real and objective.  One difference that I have seen between the religious and the non religious is this.  A religious person will spend literally days or weeks or longer looking for who to blame for something or trying to identify wrong or sin or evil.  Meanwhile, an atheist that isn't looking for a devil to blame or sin to identify simply says.. this is how people are, and they don't have any problem grouping themselves in that "people" definition or accepting the "dark" side within themselves.  They don't look at someone to see if they are "good" or "evil" but simply are they someone that is interesting or beneficial for them to be around or not.

I've understood this difference for many years, though I have forgotten it over the last year a lot.  I have spent too long focused on the struggles or "evils" of my past or finding or accepting fault within myself for simply being myself.  There is none perfect... no not one, as says the Bible.  Yet, so many would have us focus on our faults, rather than focus on our good.

As a practical application of that, I am now working in a good job with good pay for a good purpose.  The money of that job is making my current life more comfortable and happy.  I am connected with good people and am enjoying my day to day life with my connections that only continues to grow in happy potential.  I don't spend time judging myself, and I have removed influences of those who seemed to have finding my faults at their mission.  My days are happy.  My sleep is peaceful.  My future is bright.  And, as much as many would have me focus on times when that was NOT the case, I now understand that it is not wrong to be happy or to set your gaze upon those that add to it and not those that are upset by it.

Be happy.  It's a good thing.  You deserve it.  Let the rest of your days write themselves from that focus.