Live Your True Flame

I have always only wanted to write what I believe, but I am taking extra pauses before writing to challenge the need or value of each message to make sure that anything that I write is timely, important, and as pure of a concept as possible.  I've had and shot down 3 themes, just today.  However, this one I feel is important, even though it is not very long.

I am a Sagittarius.  Many will tell you that means nothing, and perhaps it doesn't.  I could just say I am a third Irish as foundation for my point, but.. again.. you don't have to be to be like my point.  However, I will say that both are known for their fight and passion.  As part of that passion, it is easy to feel like you always have to be fighting.. for or against one thing or another.  That is how I have lived most of my life, not always with the best results for doing so.

Recently (and by that I mean the last decades), there has been a growing division out in our land... or more accurately divisions.  I have at one time or another fought on one side or another, sometimes on different sides.  However, recently, I have pulled back from doing so to focus less on what I dislike and more on what I like.. less on what is wrong in the world and more on what I can see around me or within me that I DO like.

I believe that it is very important to "know thyself" as the ancient Greeks said.  I believe that doing so will never reach a full destination, as we are always growing and changing (one would hope); however, I believe that we can get so busy in fighting things that we can lose track of this mission.  And, it can become a habit to fight, so when we overcome one thing we pick another and so on and so forth.  So, we get lost in our Moby Dick like quest to kill our whales and lose sight on who we actually are and the good that could be found within us without the anger.

I am choosing to be led by less anger and fight and more by what I like and desire.  I want to live my true flame in the world, so the world is a little more bright, and I would recommend you do the same. 

Friendship

My last blog post was dating concept related, but I want that to be a smaller part of this blog, overall.  Why?  It isn't because dating and romance are bad, but that is just one small part of what can make you happy.  And, it is very easy to get so wrapped up in the pursuit that you forget all the other things that can make you happy, including those things that you can do all on your own... things that you like and don't have to check with someone about doing and don't have to get someone to go with you to do.  There is also friendship, which I think hold MUCH value for you, probably more than a romance in my opinion.  So, I wanted to do a post about friendship to highlight a kind of connection too often overlooked or minimized.

First of all, friendship is not romance.  I have heard many people over my life talk about their frustration when they start being friendly to someone of the opposite sex and that person thinks the the acts of friendship or being nice is flirting.  Indeed, I have had that frustration, myself.  However, friendship is not flirting.  Friendship is friendship.  Flirting is flirting.  Of course, a lesson to others is that it goes in the opposite direction, as well.  You should not think that you are displaying romance for someone else if you are simply being kind of friendly, too.  It is a different kind of communication and action to flirt and be romantic than to just be kind, supportive, encouraging, listening, or helpful.  Those are qualities that I would HOPE we can all display for everyone around us that needs it, and those are qualities of a good friend... thus my saying I think having a friend can be much more important than having romance, and I would suggest that you never trade friendship for romance by being with someone that will not let you have your friends.

When you find a real friend, it is like finding family.  You know that they will be there for you in your need, and you know they will care about your struggles.  They know that you will change your plans to aid them or dig through trash for something important that they lost.  When good things happen, who do you want to tell... your friends.  When bad things happen, who do you need to be there for you.. your friends.  

So, yes.. date (slowly and observantly and without sacrificing your needs or wants), but more importantly, make friends and be a a friend.  On your path to happiness, that is one consistent type of connection that you will want to have to the end of your life journey. 

The Adventure Ahead

I'm sure we all remember that line in The Hobbit when his neighbors asked him where he was going and Bilbo shouted back, "I'm going on adventure."  Typically, the adventures of our life are not met with such enthusiasm.  Most of the time, an adventure is more like someone facing a scary and unsure future, but they know they must move ahead and face new experiences.  Even if you know that doing so is best for you and is better than "a life standing still" to quote Beautiful Creatures, it is stepping out of your comfort zone and the walls that were erected to protect you.

I'm slowly stepping back out into the dating world.  I do not intend to comment on how I am single or my past and will not reference my experiences in my posts about dating.  But, I have been learning several concepts in my experiences and my time apart to reflect and grow.  I didn't exhibit all of them all of the time in the past and have made and learned from a lot of mistakes as well as joys.  But, how else do you.. can you... learn but from venturing forth and paying attention to how things go and feel both inside you and outside you.  So, I hope as we venture forth, together, we will find our happy paths.

1.  The first thing that I think is very important for you to know is this.  You do not need a relationship.  If you feel that you do, I would say that you have not spent enough time alone to learn to love yourself and find happiness in yourself.  In my opinion, the point of a relationship is not to find someone that will love you but to  ind someone that you can share out of the love that you have for yourself to them, as well.  It was only after I took some time to explore myself and love myself and allow myself to BE myself that I found the balance and stability that I often sought in another.  I would recommend that you do the same.

2.  Boundaries.  People have been speaking to me about boundaries for a long time, and I have not fully understood or appreciated them to the degree they deserve.  More importantly, I have not ERECTED or ENFORCED boundaries as often as I should.  Not everyone is designed for your closeness, and you are not designed for the closeness of everyone, else... maybe as a friend but not necessarily more.  This is where it is important to use your mind to rule your heart.  Your heart doesn't like to be stifled, and it will often rebel thinking that emotion is more real.  At least that is how some people like myself can often feel.  But, the heart that feels that can lead to difficult to impossible situations.  It is important, I have learned, to say no at times, even if you feel something, to avoid a logical obstacle, roadblock, or source of friction.  So, boundaries are not just limits you place on others but more often limits you place upon yourself.  And, it applies to dating in that you should take your time and not go quickly that seem or feel right.  Take your time and be willing to walk away and be accepting if they do.

3.  Be curious.   Not everyone is going to be like you, and that is ok.  Not everyone is going to be what you are used to dating, and that in my opinion can be better.  You will see them as a fresh adventure and not a repeat of anyone else.  However, the point of dating someone is not just to experience new things, just as the point of a relationship is not just to care for someone in need.  You can do both of those things as a friend.  The point of a relationship is to find a partner to walk beside you, on good days and bad.

I have a lot more I could say, but that is enough for now.  I am giving advice as I have come to see it, but I will quickly say that I do not know enough and have much to learn.  So, if you disagree with what I say, that is fine.  You might be right.  But, I hope what I DO say will help someone else, along the way.

Different, Not Less

I've noted this at times, over the years.  When you are an introvert, you constantly get people that give you advice on how you can be more social and speak up, more.  I'm always over here wondering.. why isn't the discussion about how someone else can maybe be less public and socially pressuring?  However, especially as our society becomes more and more polarizing, we have more and more categories where this kind of prideful assumptions about others are seen.

It doesn't mean that you are bad, if you are different.  It isn't that being an extrovert is better than being an introvert.  We don't need to give people advice on how they can stifle their emotions to please those less reserved or to make an emotionally reserved person have to display them to please someone that isn't so reserved.  We don't need to make people be more intellectual, religious, diverse, or any other quality.  

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that individual preferences are not important.  I definitely have my own personal style and preference.  Others can and will have a different preference than I do.  Our goal should not be to change people at all but to recognize that just because someone or ourselves are different, it does not mean that they are less or that their way is less valid.  It is valid for them, just as it is valid for us.  Nor is it or should it be important to make someone be different in order to "work" with us.  I believe we should be diverse enough of a society that we are able to recognize the differences of others an interact with them in a way that meets their needs, even as we retain our ability be live our lives our ways.  If there are needs that cannot be met by those differences, the problem is not the inability to meet those needs but the expectation that we have that they must do so.  If someone cannot meet those needs, it is INFORMATION that should guide us in the selection of what level of connection we have with them and to guide us in our search of those who will.

So, what I would like you go understand from this post is simply this.  People are different, and that is ok.  They are not less, and you are not either.  We are just all humans, trying our best to make our journey more happy. 

Your Best Days Could Be Ahead

I will have no personal events or people from my life in this post.  They are not really needed to make the point, anyway.  I, just like you, are experiencing life and learning as I go along.  The only reason I do this blog is to provide help or thoughts as I find my way    in hopes that it can help others whose events might not be the same but the advice can help us all.

I've lived a long life.  There has been ups and downs in various stages of it.  They haven't been the same stories or even involve the same people.  Some of my challenges were financial, some health, some relationships, and more.  Each time... in the moment.. I felt like THIS IS IT... THIS is the point of my life or the hardest challenge or the greatest joy or whatever.  I fell sway to the temptation to believe that what I was experiencing in that moment was the most important part of my entire existence.  Then... things changed.  New story lines emerged.  New realities appeared, and the story was different but felt just as important.

I don't want to minimize the story in any chapter of your or my life.  It was that it was in that time, and that story's joys and sorrows will remain.  But, we often forget that it was just one chapter in the story... in a book that is far from being complete.

So, this post won't be that long, but it makes a very good point that is important to remember.  Wherever you are in your story, there are many new chapters to come with new characters, different experiences, and you in fact will change, as well.  Whatever good moments you had in the past, it is important to remember (it definitely is for me) that your best days could be ahead.  So, explore yourself and feel your way through the journey you make, not knowing what that story will look like.  Bring your love of yourself into those days, and make it an adventure worthy of being in the book of your life.

A Positive Mindset

At different times in my life, I have considered teaching.. to the degree that I completed almost an entire Elementary Education certification program in college and later on used a community college certification program to get my temporary certification and was working in an elementary classroom for a bit.  I learned a lot in that experience, not the least was that it definitely wasn't a less stressful profession than accounting.  Ha!  

However, there was one thing that I learned that has been particularly useful in my recent weeks.  I won't go into why or specifically how, as I am keeping my private life out of my blog posts and social media.  However, the concept is a very good one that can help many people in a wide variety of struggles into which they find themselves.  Specifically, it is what it MEANS to have a positive mindset and positive focus.

A lot of people would and does assume that for something to be positive, it means pressure or struggle free or the easy and pleasurable way of doing things. Well, I have addressed that at various times in my blog posts over the years.  It is EASY to sit around and is pleasurable to eat sugar.  However, that will not lead to personal goals of being fit.  It is easy to not have a job or work at a flexible but low paying job, but being so poor that you fear an unexpected expense and wonder if there will be food in the next week is also not a happy result.... trust me, I've been there on different occasions.  It takes work to reach positive goals that add things to your life (positive.. add.. more... get it?).

However, to get to a positive result, you must be focusing on the adding or the doing of what you need or what you desire, instead of spending your focus and energy upon what you dislike or what didn't happen for you.  As the quote says, the best way to predict your future is to create it.  Another quote says the secret to success is to spend less energy fighting the old and more energy creating the new.

As a teacher, they teach you that you don't tell a student the negative.  You don't tell them what they are doing wrong or tell them to not do something.  Instead, you tell them the correct way to do something or tell them what they should be doing.  

In your own life, are you spending more time focused on what didn't work or isn't working, or are you learning and trying to do things differently.  Are you feeling sad over what you lost, or are you making strides towards what you want or what you can gain?  Are you focused on what you are did wrong, or are you focused on what you should be doing instead? 

Personally, I have come to understand that there are many things in my life that are out of my hands, and I definitely cannot control the decisions of others... no matter what I do.  But, what I CAN do is set my mind and hand to the task of improving myself and making actions that make me happy.  And, in the end, that is all we all can really do. 

Some Recent Thoughts

I was going to take a full month off the blog and social media posts.  However, I am allowing myself to take steps back out into it with careful (attepting to be) posts and shares that apply what I am learning, since I don't expect to be fully healed or changed upon the end of a month's time, anyway.  Life is a process... a messy and divergent process, and I hope that I never lose the ability to learn and grow within it.  So, I wanted to cover a few concepts and thoughts that I have had in this time of silence, without giving any personal applications.  I will be keeping my personal life (beyond things like what I am watching, reading, seeing, and so on), not because of things happening that I want to keep quiet but because I don't need to HAVE things to share or need to seek approval.  I hope to carve out more and more of my personal joys that will never reach social media posts but to stay special, even if just a moment I have with myself.  But, there are some things that I can share in a general way that I feel may benefit others.

1.  Live in the present.  It is easy to find yourself reflecting on the past, and I find myself doing that daily.  However, I am trying more and more to live in the present... to BE present in the present.  In recent times, I have started taking pictures of sunsets and taking walks and doing things that I used to do but have been too distracted to look around and notice things that brings me joy or to do things that I know I will enjoy... or try things that I may enjoy.  

2.  Take your time.  Life is not a race.  You don't have to be "ready" or force your life to be at any stage or appear like anyone else may expect.  They don't know your story, and likely they really don't care about your pains or your life growth successes.  Many just want mutual validation, which is why so many will give you advice that so often sounds like it applies to their own life.  You can have good friends, and I hope that you do.  But, I would guess that those friends would say what I am telling you now.  Slow down.  Take your time.  Learn and grow.  Have fun.  It will all unfold and happen as it should in the right time.

3.  Be critical of yourself... and praise yourself.  One benefit of taking time away from the public is to realize that you can be honest to yourself.  You can tell yourself... oh, you messed up there.  Learn from that.. and know you do not lose self respect by acknowledging it but gain confidence in your future when you are real.  But, while you are taking time looking at yourself, do not forget to notice how good you were and are, as well.  Reconnect with the good parts of yourself that got lost along the way and learn new things that you like about yourself.  In the end, how you feel about yourself may be the most important audience that you will have, and being proud of your potential is a great way to regain the swagger that you need to adventure into the days that lay ahead.

Ok.  That's enough for tonight.  I hope you are all finding peace in your lives and smile, today.  Good night.