Taking a Break

I will not be posting in January.  I am spending a period of personal reflection this month.  See you in February.

New Year Resolutions

I was thinking the other day about how cyclical our holidays and change are in building upon themselves.  For example, we are taught to eat a lot for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and then we have New Years resolutions that in a large number in society are about losing weight.  I'm not necessarily saying that the cycle is wrong.  It is just a curious observation to me that change is often built upon itself by the impact that it makes.  Life changes, and so must we... or we would never grow.  Growing is actually one of my personal resolutions that I will give, wthout reference to any personal details because that would be included as one of my resolutions...

1. Grow - I've noted a few times in my blog, recently, how my focus is on my own personal growth.. a focus on areas in which I need to grow and change with honest recognition of how some of my personal habits have caused difficulty in my own life or in the lives of others.  Indeed, I believe that there is no wrong or difficulty in our lives in which we did not play a part in creating it.  While not all things should remain in our lives, and difficulty can purify and strengthen things, there is also not a day that can go by without us teaching us something, as well.  And, it is not about growing for others, though they may benefit.  it is about becoming the best version of ourselves.  

 2.  Privacy - I've always valued being real and transparent.  This has led me to be very forthcoming about what is happening in my life... not only struggles but joys.  However, my reflection on that reveals great risk and problems with being very public with either.  This will be a challenge and area of growth for me, but I am going to make more strides to keep my cards to my chest as relates to social media.  I have made my Facebook friends only and will keep it as such.  Other social media and my blogs, I intend to speak only in general concepts and keep personal life details out of the media.  I will post events that I do and shows I watch and things like that, but I will be keeping details regarding others doing them with me out of them as well as any mention of things like relationships, my kids, my past, and more.  I tend to process out loud, but that carries too much danger for me and for others, as well.

3.  Respect and Judgement - I plan to eliminate any and all analysis of others from my posts, and this includes political figures, parties, and others.  Again, I have an analytical mind that serves me well in my job, but it is not my place to judge individuals, political figures or parties, religious bodies, or other.  Further,  it only distracts my own desire to care for others and improve myself.  I do not need to decide why someone does something or what choices they make.  In every part of life, life is that it is.  We are not called to control others or force expectations on anyone.  It may sound very flower child of me, but all I can do is enjoy my own time with others without expectation and allow change to write the story in whatever way is honest and right.  I will respect others in their freedom to run their own lives, and I will enjoy my own.

4.  Faith - This will be another challenge, but I want to work on having more faith in others and in myself.  This will require a thing I have started to do these last months.  I will focus on the good in the past instead of the pain, and I will use that to build hope that good does exist and is worthy to do, regardless of the outcome.  I will make more effort to believe in good, love, hope, and peace.  Whether or not it brings more of that into my own life, it will make it possible to enjoy my own days more and have more motivation to try.

Whather your year is currently and whatever challenges you face, I hope that you look forward with hope and see this as an opportunity to bring light into your life and the lives of others around you.  Happy New Year. 

Merry Christmas - Celebration of Grace

For this Christmas, I want to bring out my theology and seminary training to say something that I normally say almost every month, but I will put it in the correct theological framework that fits the specific night and day upon which we find ourselves.

On the coming days, we celebrate the birth of Jesus, and there is a REASON that we celebrate the birth of Jesus in the Christian tradition.  Mankind was doomed, before Jesus came in the Christian framework.  Mankind was dead to right guilty of sin and therefore unpure to receive from God and to eventually be in the presence of God.  Scripture tells us that "there is none righteous.. no not one" and "all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" .. so mankind needed a payment for their sins.  Per Christian teaching, that person was Jesus.. God, born of a virgin woman.. not just any virgin woman, though.  He was born from the people and in the place that would be least accepted and least assumed to be worthy of redemption.. let alone to provide it.

Then, what did Jesus do to gain authority?  Well.. nothing.  He pissed off the religious that were in power and called them snake and vipers.  He didn't go to the government for backing, either.  For the first 30 years, he worked as a carpenter and didn't do anything to gain power.  Then, he went out and started talking to people in fields and healing and feeding them... showing actual love for the needy that was rejected by the religious bodies and governments of the day... often doing so would make Him an outcast for choosing to love them.  When the religious bodies of the day felt threatened by the numbers of people that were following him, they would demand that the government kill Jesus.

So, it wasn't about being worshiped in a temple.  It wasn't about people thrusting praise and acceptance upon Him.  God saw to it that that would not happen.  It was God choosing to use the least worthy birth to lead to a least worthy leader to serve as payment for the least worthy people.. us.

So, as you celebrate Christmas this year, do so remembering that you are only included in being able to receive it, because God decided that your failures and sin did not disqualify you from love.  Then.. go and do likewise. 

Improve Yourself

As I have noted, I have been spending weeks focusing on the good in my past and seeing it for the good that it is without following the way of the world to trash it in a sort of burn to purify technique to remove a period from your mind and reset to something new.  In the past, I have taken part in that kind of thinking, but it does not work and creates more problems than it attempts to solve.  It leaves you bitter, and you take part in doing the devil's work of stealing your joy, making you doubt yourself, making you doubt others, and more.  However, if you look objectively at the times and focus on the good that was present in your life in those days, you find yourself grateful that you took a chance to be able to have it in that moment, find more faith in the potential of others, and find the peace and hope of the past to walk into the future.

However, as I reflect on the good in my past and connections lost, I am left with the question and the challenge.... why did it end?  Despite another way of the world habit of looking at the flawed actions of others and the good intentions of ourselves, no one is perfect... not even you.  There has never been a failure in your life that did not include some blame of yourself.  I remember having a conversation with my dad one time about a relationship issue at the time, and he said to me that there are always two people in any argument... two people that can be to blame.

Yes, it is possible that there are systematic issue, and our mind always goes there to justify ourselves.  However, as I look at successful couples out there, do you know what I find?  They are messy.  They have issues.  They make mistakes.  They have some loud arguments at times.  They forget things and fail each other and more.  They often have very different personalities.  But... they love each other, beyond all that.  They apologize.  They look for ways that they can improve.  I used to say that romance is learning how to make the other person smile and doing it. 

I have made a lot of mistakes.  I have blamed others, when I should have been focused on my own needs to improve.  I justified myself, rather than learn what the other person needed.  I, in my pain, threw up walls, cried out loud, blamed groups, and more.  I was wrong.  I failed to provide a secure place for the person that was hurting enough to leave me.  

So, now, I'm trying to learn and improve, while remembering the good that I once had as motivation.  I know I can be a better human, no matter the good I have done in the past.  And, my goal for 2026 is to learn and improve.  That's my resolution. 

Love Never Breaks Your Heart

Today, I was walking at the gym and thinking, as I often do.  I was reflecting over different periods of my life and was reflecting on one inescapable truth.  Love never breaks your heart, despite the temptation that wells up in us to think that it does.   That temptation is actually placing the blame in exactly the opposite direction, and indeed it is inspired by the things that actually DO break your heart.  I will explain.

Think for a moment of your people in your life that you love in your life... children, parents, romantic partners, and more.  Sometimes, I have objected to the fact that there are so many different forms of love that share a single world in English.. Love. However, this is a truth that cuts across all of them and in many different manifestations.  Whether you are thinking about a former romantic partner or a lost family member, we often feel their absence from us.  We are told to call this the pain of love.  But, that is not true.  It is BECAUSE of a good thing that we miss them.  It is because we love them, and love is not bad.  It has been quoted in several shows, but the French do not say "I miss you".. they say, "You are missing from me."  They put it this way, because it is not about what we create but what another provides.

I want you to consider for a moment what you are feeling when you are feeling heartbroken or hurting from pain that results from having love for someone.  The pain is often a result of a lot of things that we do not want to admit... so people don't talk about them.  People are often in pain, because they feel the loss of something that they wanted for themselves... that they envisioned and expected to happen, because they felt a sense of ownership and now have something that they... lost, having owned it.  They feel it, because they feel foolish for taking a chance on something that did not turn out the way that they expected it to turn out.  They feel pain, because they feel misunderstood and feel that perhaps they trusted something or someone more than they feel that they should have done.  They feel pain, because they miss someone and feel that they should not.  And, they feel pain, because they wish something was still happening that has ended.

The first thing that I want you to realize is that none of those was that they feel pain because they love someone else for themselves or who they are.  Those were reasons of control, ownership, pride, fear, and more.  However, if you strip those away.. layer by layer.. you find that under all of the noise that you still CARE for the person, whether or not you feel that you should... whether or not it is realistic to resume... whether or not they will be in your future.. whether or not they still want to be with you. 

No... love was not the source of your pain.  Love was the life and the joy and the peace and the hope and more that preceded the pain, and it is a victim in the discord, as much as you are.  Further, a lesson that I have been learning in recent months is that love is the cure for a broken heart.  By that, I do not mean when you find a suitable replacement.  Indeed, I believe that doing so too quickly will only extend your pain and delay your healing.  Lately, I have been taking time to reflect on the good that I had with those that are no longer in my life.  I reply the joyful times with them.  I see in my mind their laugh, their interests, and all the things that made me smile about them.  I do this willingly, despite the world tell you.. no ... demanding.. that you do not do it.  But, do you know what I have found?  I have found that when you do this, the result is that you look at them with gratitude and joy and you find yourself proud to have taken the chance and happy for the love that was given, regardless of the outcome..

Love does not break your heart.  Love IS your heart.  It does not depend on a successful outcome, but it is instead the most real thing that comes out of you to know you are more than a logic based machine.  So.. I don't ask you to go find new love.  That will come in time in one way or another.  I, rather, say.. look back and find joy and peace in the love you once had.  I believe you will find that it is there waiting for you, as well. 

Heartfelt

My expression has not been politically correct or comfortable for a VERY long time, but it is always heartfelt. I don't post to please anyone.  My goal has always been to be true and real and help others by presenting a real life in struggles and joys.  That has made me be rejected by both major political parties, ruffled the feathers of religions and atheists, and has lost me friends, acquaintances and more.  But, one thing that should not be said of me that I ever intentionally lie.  That runs contrary to my nature.  I would rather be judged by the world than be false or to fail to help someone in need.  And, I often AM judged by the world for speaking my thoughts that challenge groups of status quo or accepted philosophies.

When I was in high school, I hated English.  I was so tired of sentence diagrams and grammar rules.  Then, I got to the Renaissance period of literature, and my soul lit fire.  I found in the pure emotional expression of the period a home.  It was not just a period for literature but for lives that were learning to experience and learn from life, not instruction.  Later, this would be called and condemned by the religious as "humanism" and "liberal arts".. two labels I would welcome about myself.  I DO stand for humans being human.  I do stand for the conflict of ideals and free expression of thought.  I think that is the only way we grow.  I know that is the only way that I GROW... for sure.  Why would I limit my contacts to those that agree with me and expect to grow beyond myself?

So, when I say something, I have not just put my mind into it but my heart into it.  I don't just decide to do something, I choose to do something.  I believe it was John Wesley that said that there was a counterfeit for faith that existed in the church in his day.  He said that it was "mental assent" ... which said that he would believe something so long as it made sense and if it did not would be rejected.  While there is a value to putting your mind to use for what it was given to you to use, there are things of the heart that cannot be quantified or explained.  

We are entering in the period leading up to Christmas, right now.  On many of the Santa movies that are out there, there is the theme that faith is not seeing to believe but believing to see.  It is about believing that there is some good in the world, whether or not we are seeing it.  It is about BEING good in the world, even when that is not being returned to you.  It is about living HEARTFELT, and that is my personality and my curse, because I can do no other.

So, I would challenge you in this time that you would believe in good, go good, love, and be hopeful for the future, even if there is no reason to do so.  Carry forward the good memories of the past, whether they are still present.  And, care for others.  If you can improve the life of ONE PERSON this season, you would be the world to that person and give your life meaning and their life blessing.  And, that heartfelt way of living and loving is... in my opionion.. the greatest truth that God deemed for man to be. 

Thinking Comes Later

Not everyone processes the same.  I've been thinking more and more as the years go by that we err in classifying all humans as one species.  In a very real fashion, one person could not be more different than another in how they perceive and respond to the world, languages they speak (verbal, written, body, love, and more) and in so many different ways.  That doesn't mean that they are not all valid, and it does not even mean that you should stay within your type of personality.  But, it does mean we should not perceive others and try to decode them using ourselves as the Babel stone.  

One of my favorite movies is Finding Forester.  As someone that loves to write, this is a gem of a movie to watch, and it has a lot of wonderful life lessons too.  In one scene in the movie, one character (played by Sean Connery) is asking the younger person he is trying to tutor why he is not writing.  The younger character says he is thinking, Forester's response is..

"No thinking – that comes later. You must write your first draft with your heart. You rewrite with your head. The first key to writing is to write, not to think!"

I was analyzing different personality types, today, because... that's what I do.. think about things, oftentimes.  And, I was thinking how I would have a difficulty in being able to understand why someone that is relationship avoidant would do things or even to understand what they are meaning in doing them.  They tend to put a lot of thought into what they SHOULD do and then allow themselves to follow their emotions to do one thing or another.  Meanwhile, I am over here determining what I should do BY what I am doing and experiencing and learning as I go.

I've had this problem with other people in many different ways, not just in terms of relationships.  Sometimes, I will be thinking aloud and exploring different ideas.. sometimes even contradictory ones.  Indeed, I would say I would WELCOME contradictory ones.  I like to have friends, for example, from different points of view to challenge me as I think aloud.  Then, though the liberal arts discussion that ensues, I am able to determine the correct concept to believe or path to follow.  However, to OTHER people, they are over there asking what my point is that I am trying to say or conclusion that I am communicating, while I am like... I don't know yet... that's why I am communicating to find out.

No one is the same, and every way of thinking is valid and has purpose.  That is the main thing I hope you take from this post.  But, as subset of the point that is applicable to this blog is this, though you may disagree.  I think in order for you to follow your path to happiness, it is important to figure OUT your path to happiness.  And, deciding what that is may require a period of testing and consideration, if you are like me.  If so, I would say ... test on... keep trying and observing and learning.  It is NOT a comfortable way of figuring it out, and it is messy and inefficient.  However, if that is how you happen to be, follow it till you figure it out.  Others that cannot understand or respect that about you invalidate themselves in the process, since they would have to live with you like that, afterwards... and that is important information to know, as well.  Live. Love, Laugh. Learn.  You'll figure it out.