Truth

I have been processing a lot of emotions in the course of the last week, and I have been coming to a lot of realizations from recognition of truth.  I won't go into a lot of specific facts, but I will convey some very important truths in this post.

One fact that I will say is that a year ago, I began a romance that would captivate me and absolute destroy my defenses.  I believe that as it began I told a close friend that this person would have the power to completely destroy me, but I was going to take the chance.  I did, and it was an amazing relationship.  That is objectively true.  I learned so much.  I felt more me than I had in any other period in my life.  I felt seen and connected and valued and challenged.  The last part was new to me, but it is an important part of it.  I learned that love was not just about having all of your wants met but that you were challenged to become more than you were... that life wasn't just about what I have experienced to this point and what I was used to getting but was really an adventure to be explored.  It was a wonderful adventure.

I don't say any of that to make it happen.  I haven't heard from her in months, and I am pretty sure that she has moved on and does not want me to be a part of her life.  However... truth... that does not change how important it was to me or how important she was and is to me.  I know that who I am is not good for who she wants to be.  That is true.  However, it does not change who amazing that I think she is and will be, and I am eternally grateful for the many ways that she helped me to grow in loving her.  I will continue to love her, because that is how I am built.  That will delay or obstruct new romance that could be in my life, and that is true... and that will limit what I can have.  But, I am honest and true, and I have determined in myself that how I feel is not and cannot decrease, regardless of how it ended and whether it continued.  I grew as a person.  I was challenged by her.  I learned new things.  I became a better person, and I like who I have become.  So, I will carry it forward.

I used to say that a sign that something was from God or was influenced outside of me was that it was something that I would not normally choose.  Logically, it makes sense to move on and to enjoy new opportunities that lay in front of me, and to be honest.. after months of no positive contact with the past one it would make sense to do so.  However, I feel exactly the same as a year ago when I met her, and I will probably always feel this way.  I am always objective and honest, even when it is not in my favor.  The fact is that my heart has felt a love that touched me to the core, and I will continue to have that impact to influence me in my days ahead.  That is not a bad thing.  There has always been that question... is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.  I can tell you that I have loved at different times, and each has had value and importance to me.  However, there can be times when you are in so much harmony that it becomes a part of your soul for life, and that has happened to me.  If I remain single but having appreciation for the love that I felt, that would be much better than trying to rush into anything else to cover it up, and the integrity of my soul will not allow it.

So... being a person that has always valued truth in fact and feeling, I am bound to acknowledge that the last year did in fact have an impact on me that will remain, and I am more than willing to give it the space that it has earned. 

Lean In

There are a lot of things in my not sure category of my life.  It's not as many as before, and I have learned to forgive others, accept my own fault and forgive myself, approach each day anew and enjoy the good of the days.  However, old fears can easily surface in unrelated events and stories, making it difficult to get too deep or committed to new potential life goals.  There has just been too much change of things upon which I have relied to choose reliance, again... at least now.

So, what do you do when you are facing good days and old fears?  You don't want to lose the good for the fears, but it is right to take your time and consider your future for yourself without rush.  Anyone or anything that would take that time away from you is in my opinion suspect.

I think the first thing to do is realize you are not in a movie, nor feel that your life must replicate one.  Life is a mess.  You and your life is unique.  It must be approached in that context.  Next, I think it is important to feel happy in the days.. don't ignore the good in front of you for fear or the past.  You also don't have to have it all figured out.  That kind of clarity is rare.

Ultimately, I believe the solution is just this.. lean into the good.  Where things are pleasant, enjoy the pleasure.  If someone is kind, be kind to them.  If you feel peace, rest.  If you feel moved, feel... all while knowing each moment is the present and not a promise.  

I feel it is best in my own life to let the future bloom out of following these choices, rather than trying to create something not present in your mind.

Dark Chronicles Act 17: A "Lazy" Poor Testimony of Care

Despite the fact that I shouldn't have to do this post, it is becoming more and more apparent that I must.  It shouldn't be necessary, because people should have enough sense and experience to see otherwise, but sense seems limited and experience only serves to exclude the wise from the inexperienced's echo chambers.  As such, this must be a Dark Chronicles post, as well.. even though it really should not be.

When it first began to circulate, I thought that it wasn't worth refuting, because I didn't believe that anyone would buy into it.  But, preachers and rich politicians kept repeating the same fallacy... if someone was poor, they were choosing to be poor, because they were lazy.  And, so.. the mythology grew and grew.  Now, we find ourselves in a state of government affairs that the fallacy is literally affecting the life AND DEATH of many millions of families.  So, I must speak out.  On what grounds can I speak out?  I have lived much of my life as one of those "lazy" poor, and I think it is high time that I told you how I was made poor and what it meant for others.. so I will give a few examples from my own life.

A long time ago, after I had left the military and was homeschooling an ADHD child at the suggestion of her school, my wife at the time had the first of several post partum psychotic breaks with the birth of our second child.   My ex wife of that time was the primary earner with my support, so when that happened we were left without any money, a disabled adult, and a baby to raise.  So, for the next few years, I would make things work by borrowing over with my student loans over tuition to cover living expenses for graduate schooling, while I did all the child rearing and household duties.  There was no income other than student loans, which left me with a huge student loan debt to cover.  So, for that decade, I was not working, yet both my children benefited from my activities, as well as my ex wife.

Later, I would be a single dad that was trying to make things work, raising both of my kids, after another of my ex's mental breaks.  In order to do so, I had to pay for after school daycare, during the time that I worked, and I was paying for my older child's college expenses, as she had failed out of college and needed to get good grades to get back her aid.. which ultimately would be accomplished.  So, I was being financially tapped out, but .. again.. both of my children benefited from the sacrifices.

There have been other periods of my life.. both single and in relationships.. where I was living on food stamps, due to being between jobs or dealing with life and health challenges, as well.  Indeed, for a long while after both of my children, I was poor while paying for the expenses that came from having the BABY.   

But, it's not always acts of sacrifice for others.  Sometimes, it can just be a bad turn of health or luck.  I have faced health challenges at times.  I would spend over 6 months not being able to work full time, due to having multiple retina eye surgeries and recovery time.  In that time, I had to not only not work but tap out retirement plans and sell things just to pay for food and bills... and not all of my bills was covered in that time, leading to credit challenges to overcome, later as well.

My story is not exceptional.  It is common.  The poor are not poor by choice.  I remember just how hard it was to swallow my pride to seek food stamp benefits, the first time.  Many facing health challenges feel like they are broken and a failure... simply for being in need.  And, it is at THIS point that others that do not face their challenges judge them, call them lazy, and cut off their funding.  I don't blame them for their anger in this time for this reality.  Countless kings have lost their heads... literally.. for similar acts of lack of empathy.  Though, I would call for the poor to be patient.  All they are doing it defining themselves, so let them.  The poor vote, and the seeds they are sowing will come to fruit, soon enough.

I hope that my story will cause a few to rethink the narrative that they are being fed, though I am experienced enough to know that it will probably be ignored by those that feel unaffected and want to fit into their groups.  Just know.. you are living on fiction, not fact.  Others around you have needs, and if you are not helping those in need, you really have no business deciding whether others can do so, as well.