Hot or Not

I’m going to break from my only non romantic happiness theme, as I have been reconsidering romance as a future reality, lately again.  I think it is a human need… whether or not that is marriage or long term.  I had a dream days ago where I was close to a faceless woman.. emotionally.. and it reminded me how nice that is.

There used to be an app called Hot or Not… Tinder pretty much replaced that as that’s pretty much all that app is about.. physical.  It is superficial and controlling, but the name fits with what I wanted to talk about.

I spent years in both of my marriages over my life trying yo get my wife to show romantic interest in me.  I’m sure it had a lot to do with who I chose.. usually those that liked it when I showed them attention.  In the end, that would be the sum of the relationship for them, and when I pulled my level of emotional display back to theirs, it was the end of their interest, because that was all it had to it.  Not ironically, my 2nd was and is a Instagram influencer, so craving likes is kinda her thing.  But, it’s not enough to sustain a relationship.  Yet, in those marriages, I assumed that they cared, till it was obvious that they didn’t.

I saw a meme this morning that said you deserve to have someone that can’t wait to get to know you and fall in love with you and to stop settling for those that are less.  Indeed, there was a marriage book I read a long time ago that said to go into marriage with eyes wide open to make sure it’s true but then half closed after to not find fault in your marriage.  Probably not completely half closed, but you get the point.  

You must make sure to understand that it is that it is, and it isn’t that it isn’t.  Magic isn’t when you create something, it’s when it happens on its own.  Creating is manipulation, and I’d rather have someone real than someone at the end of puppet strings.  It’s why I am quick to show myself as I am, so I don’t attract someone after an illusion.

So.. every day we must take the courage to ask if this option or that one is HOT for us or not.  Similarly, as the question of how we feel for them.  Wait .. as I will.. til it’s hot on both sides and we are their dream and not their cushion.  To do otherwise will just lead to more problems, later.  I know from experience.

Unfortunate Lives

The other day I made the comment on my social media that it is astonishing to me that in two years we have come from a point when even the rich was begging for government aid to stay afloat and everyone chanting that all we need is love and such to a point where those that don't own a house or have a huge savings are considered lazy and losers, once again.... in just two short years.  I, actually, have a lot more background and thoughts that can go into this, so I am doing a post about it.

In Oklahoma where I grew up, there isn't a lot of opportunity.. for ANYONE for jobs and such.  It is pretty much an unremarkable rural state, because you could see that same type of community in a couple dozen other states, nationwide.  People grew up in simple lives.  We didn't know we were poor by national standards, because.. it was that it was.  That's what we knew when we grew up.  It was just... life.  It would be years before I would be introduced to faster paced society where people were fixated on how many THINGS you had over how good of a person you were.  Did you know that the lowest class in this country is richer than many of the richer classes in a HUGE number of other countries in the world?  They have access to better healthcare, food supplies, and residences than people around the world will spend their whole life never knowing.  It's like those on mount Olympus arguing about who is less than others, while civilization crumbles below.
Three is this belief among those that live among those that have money.  I know that even I was conned into believing it along the way.  It is this belief that those that HAVE are good.... they worked hard and are "blessed" by God with their lives.  I would learn and grow far from that initial thinking and to this day will cringe at hearing someone say they are "blessed" with a good life.  Of course, the opposite that is believed is that if you are struggling, then something is wrong with you... you are lazy, sinful, etc.  Ironically, Jesus himself rebuked this kind of thinking on several times, but it's not like the followers actually listen to everything he says... especially if he says to give it AWAY to those that didn't deserve the "blessings."

I'm poor... I'm pulling myself back up, as I have had to do several times over my life, but by all statistical measures I am poor.  I have had to rely on credit much more than I would have liked to do.... this year my reliance on credit was directly tied to seeking a higher paying JOB of all things.... a job that has netted LESS than other jobs, after you consider the related credit and commuting costs and benefits. 

Yet, I have not only worked hard at that job but others sources of income along the way, as needs rose to meet the income.  In prior periods of my life, I didn't earn as much money, but I still worked hard.  I have been employed since I was like 10 at one thing or another.  I worked as a kid bailing hay, picking okra, sweeping the floors at the school, and helping my dad in his construction business.  I even worked the counter, when he tried to open a hardware store for a bit.  I would join the National Guard at 17 and go to basic between my junior and senior year of high school. I would work at movie theaters, fast food places, and more during my first couple years in college and beyond after college.  Later, I would work in Active Army, as well.  The only time that I was not employed or earning money was when I took 7 years to homeschool an ADHD child that the school thanked me for taking, as she was challenging to them with all her questions and were isolating her from other students. 

For anyone that has ADHD children, they could guess that period was definitely also work, especially as I was also taking care of all the household duties and giving me an appreciation for stay at home moms.  During that time, I would also work to finish my education, while bouncing an infant, after my ex had a post partum psychotic break.  I would get a job and work at one thing or another till now.. often working two sources of income at least.
But.. I'm poor... so I'm lazy or sinful.  Does it matter that Jesus was likewise poor in His life... no. He most have been lazy or sinful, too… since he wasn’t “blessed,” as the perception goes.  One wonders why the church gives to the poor at all, till you learn like I did the prosperity gospel.  I would learn it well… from Kenneth Copeland, Kenneth Hagin, and Pat Robertson, him self.  No.. if you tithe and chant these things than God would be required to give you what you desire…. And the church has the gall to condemn witches, when at least witches know their rituals have consequences and aren’t trying to blackmail a deity.

I know I stamped on the feet of a few icons and my criticism will fall on a lot of other religious feet, but maybe that’s a good thing.  Maybe.. just maybe.. we need to stop judging (which Jesus condemned) the poor and needy and actually do something to HELP them, even if it makes us less “blessed” to do so.  We are a nation where the majority live unfortunate lives, but it doesn’t have to be so bad, if we could learn to love our neighbors, as the Christian founder told us to do.

Look For Happy Moments

The other day, I saw a post on FB that was talking about how so much of our lives are driven by our reactions to negative things that happen in our days but that science shows we also have positive reactions to things that happen, too.  The more we look for and focus on those positive things, the happier our days will be. 

Indeed.  It’s easy to get caught up in what we lack and miss the happy moments we can have in what we have. I spent several hours last night watching an old show I used to watch… NCIS but this isn’t about that.  As I was watching it, I was thinking of the person I was when I was watching it… and other shows like it.  For much of that time, I was in marriages that were one sided and would end badly.  But… in MY mind the issue of finding my mate was over, and my mind was free to just be happy with OTHER things.  Indeed, in those years I HAD to find happiness in other things, as I was not finding much of it in the relationship.  It was similar to growing up in a poor situation with a critical dad and being a geeky overweight kid that got bullied.  I HAD to find happiness in other things and so I did.

I’ve been noting on here how a relationship does not equal finding happiness, as every one of those comes with problems and that you can be happy single.  But, I didn’t go on to HOW to be happy.  Its not always going to be the same for everyone.  You have to think about what makes you happy and start noticing things you like doing.  Then… do more of those things.  Or, maybe it’s not being HAPPY but simply being at peace… calm, mentally or emotionally stimulated, overcoming challenges, etc.  

In the years after my last divorce, there were days when I felt defeated or down, and I would go out and deliver some deliveries and meet a financial goal I set for myself.  And I felt.. happy with MYSELF for doing it.  Recently, I lost weight, and I felt HAPPY about that.  Indeed, I get happy when I create the perfectly reflective playlist or solve some mental problem or create a budget plan that gets me where I want to go.  It doesn’t take someone else in my life to feel it, though it’s always nice to have someone with whom you can share it.

We don’t have to reach a destination or accomplish a goal to be happy, though.  We can keep our focus and expectation on the happy accidents, fun moments, or even the steady, patient drum of a life that is deep and calm enough to just be at peace with the universe and your part in it… something I want more to have in my own life.  So, look for and enjoy your happy moments today and let the challenges come and go with little hold on your emotions or who you will be in this day and going forward.

Relationships and Happiness

 I deleted my “relationships detox” post.  I think it still contains many truths, and it is important to create your own happiness.  We shouldn’t expect a relationship to solve all our problems or make us happy.  Instead, we should BRING happiness into all our relationships, and that includes much more than romantic ones.  

Someone told me months ago that “a friendship is a relationship” .. I needed to hear that then and still important to remember, today.  Indeed, the only thing in my mind that makes a relationship WORK is if there is a friendship there, as well.  And, should I live my life without a romantic one but giving and receiving friendship love my whole life, I would be the most blessed and happy version of my life, rather than walking around bitter that it’s not happening to me.  

I don’t want to cloud up that point, so I’ll just end it here with that.  Be happy.. then make other happy.  Don’t worry about whether you’re single or not.

Self Esteem

 When I was in the military, and they were training us for responding to a gas attack, they told you to put on your own gas mask first.  Then, you can attend to others with their masks.  It seems odd that the first step in caring for others is to care for yourself.  However, even Jesus in the Bible says to love others AS you are already loving yourself.  It begins with self care and love.  You can’t pour out of an empty cup.

I have a problem of giving till I’m dry to others that give nothing back.  Then, I feel like a failure for having nothing left to give.  Indeed, my ex’s that gave nothing back judged me for having nothing to give in the end or my choice to stop giving one way to them.  I was so wrapped up in defining myself by seeking their validation that I accepted their judgment and felt bad for ending my self sacrifice.  But, someone that truly loved you would not be seeking you to be less or sacrifice but would want you to be more and happy.

Too often in my life have I accepted someone’s decision to not accept me as my own, when it simply meant I was not their cup of tea.  In truth, if I do not make them happy, what would I have to gain by being fixated on winning acceptance?  Either I am pleasing to them, or I am setting myself up for a rocky road that more likely than not will end in failure… which has been my experience with that.

I think if someone wants you in their life, they will dismiss minor differences or problems to keep you, and if they do not, they will look for anything to blame.  So, if someone is looking for those excuses, move on to someone looking to keep you.  Or, just be happy and look past your own issues.  But, whatever you do, don’t define your own value by those who are not equipped or willing to see your value.  Put on your own mask, fill your own cup, care for yourself.. then, you can care for others.

Don’t Worry, Be Happy

 You know the lyrics..

“In every life we have some trouble
But when you worry, you make it double
Don't worry, be happy
Don't worry, be happy now
Don't worry
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh) Be happy
(Ooh-ooh-ooh) Don't worry, be happy
(Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh) Don't worry
(Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh) Be happy
(Ooh-ooh-ooh) Don't worry, be happy”

This is an important truth I have reflected on over this week… one I used to know well and post about.  What is worry?  It’s fear.  What benefit comes from being fearful over the future.  What’s going to happen is going to happen.  Yes, you can prepare for it, but if you fear over it, you just end up losing your balance and your peace.  It’s much better to just be your happy self and make others happy.  

I know it’s not easy, especially when you have major stuff affecting your life.  In two days, I’ll be arriving at a hospital for a surgery with weeks of recovery, after.  But… that’s going to be the case with or without anxiety.  The outcome will happen with or without my attention.. in fact I’ll be out when it is going on.  So, why fear over it?  Why think about the future at all, short of as I said in preparation?

This is true in every area of your life, and I have been failing at applying it to my life.  Blame the day job I guess.  Accountants tend to think they need to control all parts of their job to be effective, even though the office never goes as planned.  Life outside the office can be the same way.  If you worry over your life and try to control things, you end up frustrated and missing a life happening around you and the joys that can be had in it.

I’m definitely not perfect with this.  It often takes a few glasses of wine to chill out enough to silence those internal worry and criticism voices so I can be in the mental state I should be in all the time… let it all go and just find joy in the moment.. or .. don’t worry, be happy.  Just live the days and let tomorrow work itself out.  That’s my intention going forward.

Life Happens

 

A long time ago, a popular car bumper sticker and T-shirt said, “Sh.t happens”… with all the letters but running a blog, here… ha.  The point was to say that you can’t always control what happens in your life.  That is repeated a lot out there, including a coffee cup I picked up when I worked in the kitchen and home department of a Dillards.  I like it better… LIFE happens, because it’s often the story we all face in varying degrees.  The Bible puts it that the rain falls on the just and the unjust.  We all have struggles, but we don’t have to let them define us… nor rob us of happiness that can be happening at the same time.

I am in the middle of a challenge that hit me, and for a little while I let it define me… rob me.  I mean.. I didn’t completely cut myself off from the outside world, and my time with others helped me escape the bottoms of depression, but I did touch on depression and let it have a bigger hold on me than it should have had.  True.. in the Maslow pyramid of needs, I was hitting base levels, as my very safety and physiological needs of having a place to live was at risk.. I am going to be out of work and do not have a savings to withstand that… haven’t had the ability since the divorce and move down here in the pandemic and restarting my life, rebuying things, dealing with car problems, finding jobs, and etc happened.  Luckily, that is now covered, so I can spend less time in that area of the pyramid and more in things like belonging and love, esteem, and self actualization that needed and needs attention.  But, you can’t think about love and etc freely when you’re worried about base needs.

But, now, I’m turning my attention more to those things.  I will have several weeks to build on those things.  My self esteem definitely needs some work, though I think that will be easier.  I have developed that over years since the divorce, so it’s just a matter of re-inspiration and not letting others define me.  My self of belonging and love is.. I think.. best sourced in friends. If you are trying to find love AND validation or belonging, it is too easy to just go with anyone that makes you feel good about yourself and not what is wise.  I was married over my life twice to two people that didn’t give back romance or express love to me, just because they accepted mine.  I won’t do that, again.  I will be valued by my mate.  I will work to get worthy of their affection, but I won’t be a consolation prize or THEIR self esteem booster.  I will be their prize, or I will be happy being single.

But, moving off love and relationships, happiness in general is not found in waiting till or if everything goes great.  I recently saw a YouTube video of a neurodivergent girl giving a speech, and she said…

“Listen to me.  You have to stop putting conditions on your happiness.  Boo.  Don’t do that.. saying I’m gonna be happy when or I’m gonna be happy if.  That’s dumb.  Don’t do that.  Here’s why.. you’re waiting for a perfect life where you have no flaws and everything in your life is just going well.  Well, let me tell you something.  That’s never gonna happen. Sorry.  You are a human.  That means you have flaws, and your life is gonna have flaws.  Nothing is ever gonna be perfect.. ok?  So, just choose happiness.  Be at peace with your imperfect existence, because that’s all you’re ever gonna have.”

That’s a good way to end this.  Life happens.  But, that doesn’t mean happiness can’t happen with it.