The Dark Chronicles Act 15: Getting Older

I've had this blog in my head for most of the day, but I haven't had much time to write it.  This week has been very busy, and it has felt like there hasn't been much time to think or write or listen to music, which I will do after this blog.  A younger person could probably do it all, but that's to the point of this blog.

For those that have followed me for years, you know that I have embraced the realities of getting older.  That doesn't mean that I don't take actions to try to keep fit or choose a good diet.. both within reason.  However, I have long outgrown that desire among those that fight aging, who don't like to talk about their age or aging or getting older.  I don't dye my hair.  I don't hide my hair loss patches.  I don't try to pretend I will have a washboard ab.  I don't try to hide my wisdom that has been gained by age.  I will tell old dad jokes, and I will talk about the weather... the way the world is turning... aches and pains.. and more.  I stopped pretending that everything works naturally.. ha.. and take measures to help make it enjoyable for me and others and to not kick myself when it doesn't always go according to plan.  

Some will see this as a flaw.  Others will not have a problem with it.  I tend to find more that accept that I age, because if the same aging spotlight was turned on others, it wouldn't make them look very well, either.  But, I stopped letting whether someone accepts it or not affect how I feel about myself.   At this age, if that is a major flaw to someone else that I age, they disqualify themselves to participate in the next round.

For 4 years, I spent a lot of time down in Florida, before returning to where I am, now.  I met a lot of people that were in their later years of life, and I found that once you get past that insecure stage, you reach a sort of elder social club.  Now, I still have a while to go before I am really a full elder age.  However, it helped me regain a proper perspective of life.  Life isn't about looking young.  Indeed, as you get older, you recognize the full meaning of "immature" and lose value for the opinions of those that are still in the learning stages of life.  They have something to offer, but they have much to unlearn.

Getting older isn't a flaw.  It isn't a bad mark.  It is an accomplishment, and you know many of the dark truths in life that the majority won't know and won't speak.. unless you are like me that says what I mean and means what I say.  Your body won't always work well, but that isn't something to fear.  It is actually a test.  Some day, your body will have a LOT of problems, and you will be old.  When you reach that point, will those around you care for you and be interested in being connected to you and appreciate you?   There is a lot of talk about the old Penguins that hold hands in old age, and that is the real dream in life.  It doesn't just mean romantic partners but friends and more.  Who will be at your side, when you get to older ages?  If they will not, they should not be your main focus or priority in your current years, either.  I want those around me that would like me broke, sick, sometimes irrational, or needy, as well as how I am in my confident and good times.  I want companions that will like me younger or older.  And, I am grateful for the tests that make that apparent.  

So, don't fear getting older.  Don't hide getting older.  Don't change to appear immature.  You are entitled to be the mature hero that you have become, and I say you should enjoy the remainder of your life, until you no longer can do so. 

 

I Don't Know

This will be the most anticlimatic blog post that I have ever done, but I feel that it is among the most important.  We... ESPECIALLY bloggers and those in positions of influence.. feel the need to make conclusions about things and therefore to know what we need to know in order to do so.  However, how often in your life have you been fully confident of where you are, the choices you made to get there, or where you are going?  It has been my experience that by the time I reach five years in my life.. at any time.. I am so far beyond where I thought I would be 5 years ago that it is unrecognizable.  Moreso, I and how I am viewing things, is often very unrecognizable from the person that I used to be.

There is a favorite Doctor Who scene that I have often noted in my blog where the doctor is saying that we all change and are all different people than we used to be and that is good, as long as we remember who we used to be.  I like that, and it is very true.  I was who I was in those time in the past, and I am who I am in this time, as well.  People around us change.  Situations change.  Our convictions change.  Our situations change.  It doesn't make it less who we were at the time to have been those people, and we are no less ourselves in our current lives that we are living, either.

The fact of the matter is that we don't know what the future holds.  We can guess.  We can make plans off what we like and what we want.  But, my last years in particular have taught me over and over that what you expect to be true, even if everything around you seems to confirm it, may not necessarily be true in the future.  And, if it is not, it is not someone's fault.  It is just how things unfolded.  It may not be worse, either.  It is just that it is.

I have been watching a show called Buccaneers, recently, though what I am going to say about it can be echoed in many different other shows.  In this show, the romantic coupling keeps changing.  This episode, this woman was meant to be with this man, who was meant to be with this girl.  But, the next episode may have it that no... she was supposed to be with this other man, and he was supposed to be with this other girl.  In one episode this is the bad guy or girl for something, but the next episode changes the storyline on its head.  Some are of course toxic and objectively bad, but many are just.. well.. the kind of changes that happen as people feel out their emotions and determine which storyline is best for them all.  That... as messy as it is.. happens to be very true to who life tends to work out.

I don't want to make this purely about relationships, as this concept applies to many parts of our lives.  All I want to say with it and is important for you to know is that you WON'T know everything, and you WILL make changes in your life... and sometimes change back.  All you need to know is this.  The only constant is change, and it will all work out just fine.  You don't need to know how the story unfolds to read and enjoy it.  So, turn the chapter and keep learning where your story will go. 

Confession and Forgiveness: The Hardest Wisdom

I wanted to do a post about some observations that I've had over life that are important for finding peace and happiness.  This is not a plug for religion, as I'm not sure they understand it, either.  So, I will not be putting it in religious terms or suggestions for enacting it.  It is really more of a personal responsibility and reward.

I did something similar, years ago, as a post I had set as a page on my blog that was accessible from the main menu, but this post will be more of a matured expression of it.  Anyways... to begin.

What are some of the most offensive things to say in our society?  I'd say among them would be.. I forgive you and I was wrong.  The first is offensive to the one being forgiven, because it indicates there was something to forgive,  and the second is offensive to the one saying it for the same reason.  Now, what are some of the most helpful things to be said to heal from the past and find peace and happiness... the same statements.  

At the end of the Ted Lasso series, Jamie Tart is encouraged to forgive his father.  He didn't want to do it, saying he didn't want to give him that.  Ted says that he isn't giving him that but giving that to himself.  That is an extreme example involving someone that does not apologize.  But, it contains a truth.  Holding bitterness hurts you, not the other person.  It's not a good way to live.  Nor is it good to refuse to admit you're wrong and allow that pain on another.

I've often said that I'm not perfect and make mistakes.  That isn't a justification, nor an excuse.  It's just reality. I try to learn and grow from my own mistakes, but I will remain flawed over my life.  In reconnecting with my ex wife as friends, it began with a conversation where apologies were said.  It continues with the kind of grace people always say they desire but do not always give to those closest to them.  I have other connections from the past that did not so heal, either from the failure to apologize or the refusal to accept the apology.  I will continue to accept own failures in them, even if that is not received, and I will continue to give grace, even if not admitted.  My own peace and happiness demands it, and at the end of the day that is the most important part.. finding peace with others, even those not in your life or even those who should not be.  Let it go and grow.  

I know these are hard truths to accept, especially in a society that encourages discontent and blame.  But, that's part of why society is so messed up.  You can be better. I'm rooting for you.

The Dark Chronicles Act 6: Money is Important

The other day, I was telling someone how my perception of many things has matured, as I have gotten older.  One area is in the regards of money.  I used to be so driven by freedom and being able to flexibility that I was like... I'll just work at lower paying things to enjoy my days more.  Do you know what I discovered in all that?  I don't like being poor.  You cannot focus on self actualization in Maslow's pyramid if you're always struggling with basic needs and feeling safe.  So, I went towards accounting jobs, again.  And, regardless of other challenges that come and go, I do not have to worry about money, and it has made the lives if others better, as well, allowing THEM to focus on self actualization and charity, too.

Benjamin Franklin said the following:

"A life of leisure and a life of laziness are two things."

"Employ thy time well, if thou meanest to gain leisure."

"There are no gains without pains"

"Sloth makes all things difficult but industry all things easy "

Now, the other side of that is to enjoy life, too, once you earn it.  I also think it is important at times to take time to rest and recover away from work, if you've been overwhelmed for a while and cannot think, so I like to provide that to others, too.  And, I would rather love and live my life than work all day just to save.    However, it is still true that money makes life easier, and I plan to keep earning it in good measure in my life, as long as I am able.

So, while greed is bad, and the rich do destroy the lives of others in it... money is not sin, and poverty is not righteousness.. or if it is, I'll follow the darker path.  My focus is on my life, and money definitely makes that focus better.

The Good in This Moment

I saw a meme that I shared, today, that said that if you are only looking at what you lack, then even your past reflections will see absense, only.  Instead, you should look at the good that exists.  I think that is a very good challenge for myself.  There was good in the past...lots of it.  There will be good in the future.. including some of the good of the past.  However, those are other posts.  For this one, I am going to focus, exclusively, on the good that I have in this moment...

 - I am alive, and therefore have hope of a future.

- I am able to see, hear, walk and run, and enjoy other activities of a functional body.

- I have two sources of income at the present moment and until the end of September.  If that remains to be true, I will have over 10 thousand saved up, after paying off debts, as well.

- I have a car that I own, without having

 to make payments.

- I have more books than I can read in several years.

- Even in my current extended stay, I have free cable, a kitchenette, lots of clothes and items that would take several carloads to move; and I plan to relocate to a better residence, soon.

- I have a very nice smartphone and laptop computer.

- I have a very welcoming church with good teachers and many friends.

- I live in a city that has a great variety of activities that I like from baseball to the arts to nice paths to walk to concerts and more.

- I have the ability to have a wonderful connection to my mother, my sister, her kids, and their kids. 

- I can listen to music, every night.

- I have love for myself, hope for the future, and faith in the grace of God and the outcome of effort.

There is much more that I can write, and I will keep reflecting on more examples.  However, I have a good life, that many would only wish to have.  May I be gracious and giving to those without, as I learn to be happy in the moment, even as I continue to strive for more happiness to come.

Know Thyself, Love Thyself

One thing I've been learning for years is how important it is to know yourself.  It is important for several reasons, not the least of which is that you need to understand yourself in order to love yourself.  But, it is also important in things like career goals, seeking and operating in relationships, and more.  There are several ways of understanding yourself, and I will discuss a few with myself as an example.  However, one way that you do NOT understand yourself is feeling you should be like someone else.  Your journey is your journey.  You were made a miracle, whether that be from God or from just the process of living on the planet.  There was a line in the book that I was reading last night that comes to mind.  In Reaper Man by Terry Pratchett, dead but not dead character Poons is trying to understand how cities would develop things to protect themselves, like every animal that develops poisons or spike or other things.  In the book, it says, "Here and now, that's probably me.  Spikey old Windle Poons."  We can become a defense of others by way of our empathy, our history, our convictions, or more.

The first way to know thyself, I touched on in the last blog.  What makes you happy?  Determine what it is that makes you feel joy or peace or love or more.  Often times, this is a process of experimentation.  Don't be scared to take chances to learn about yourself.  Don't be afraid of failure in that process.  It is a much happier path to try something and fail and have the memories of trying than to not try at all.  And, it is important to give others the grace and room to try and fail, as well.  I don't necessarily mean trying people in relationships but allow them to try and change in becoming themselves.  A good analogy is a woman standing at the closet saying... this outfit?  No.. this one?  Ok.   It doesn't change who they are as a person, nor does allowing them to change jobs, ideas, music styles and more.

There are certain personality tests that I would recommend that you try to understand yourself and what you need  When you do determine that, don't ignore it.  Don't say... well... I know I need this and I'm not getting it, but I will just push that down and ignore it.  Trust me, it doesn't stay buried for long.  As an example, I am an INFJ writer.  I needed to add that writer part, because it has been important to me all my life.  Like many of the great writers and poets over history, I express my feelings in words.  I loved the series Dickinson on Apple TV about Emily Dickinson.  She was not well acknowledged in her day, but her reflections on life and love and more would become very important to so many, afterwards.   From my earliest days, I've been a writer, whether it be the school and college newspaper, newsletters I would write and print and distribute on my own, books I have written, and several blogs over time, including this one that is currently influencing over 2k per week.  It is because I need to be communicating my thoughts and feelings in order to develop them.  If I cannot communicate them with someone, it stunts my mental or emotional growth.  Though, I have learned to put curbs on what I say and to whom I say things to protect others in that process.

An INFJ is very rare.. about 1 percent of the population fits into this box.  Rare is not bad.  A diamond is rare.. and valuable.  An INFJ is introverted.  While I need to express out loud, I prefer small setting where I feel secure when I am out and about... also a common quality of writers.  We like to observe and reflect on the world and then write down what we observe is true, but I'm getting ahead of myself.  We are intuitive.    We have developed a sense of how someone can be, based on our experiences.  So, it usually doesn't take long to get a sense of how someone is.  However, there are exceptions to the rule, and it is important to take time to challenge your perceptions, as well. You may not know their whole story, and it can take time to get that understanding.  Someone that is homeless may be bitter upon meeting them.  But, if you get to know their story, it can lend to deeper meaning and new ways to love them.  An INFJ is feeling.  Yes.. 100 percent.  I interpret everything from the perspective of the heart.  Details are less important to me than meaning.  Accuracy is less important than attempts.  In fact, part of my intuitive analysis of someone is very often sizing up how much they care.  If someone is seen to care a lot, they are VERY attractive to me.  However, someone of a different personality type would not necessarily feel the same about it.  I am reminded of a scene in one of the Spiderman incarnations where the girl says, "Don't make promises that you can't keep, Peter."  He replied, "But, those are the best kind."  I've often identified a lot with the Spiderman character.  With great power comes great responsibility is very true.  Finally, an INFJ is judging, though I have got INFP at times for perceiving, as well.  Judging does not mean finding fault in others in this structure.  It means it is important for me to have thought things out, planned things out, and have some type of feeling of stability and direction for my day.  It does not mean that I cannot change things, but a day without a plan is chaos to me.  We also tend to be idealistic, deep thinking, compassionate, and driven by a vision.  However, we also reflect on the past and struggle with doubt, loss, and more, as well.

So, knowing these things about myself, it helps me to love those qualities in myself, even when others do not.  It also helps me to understand what type of person I would be needing in a relationship, as they would need to appreciate or make space for those qualities in msyelf, too.  I forget the source, but there is a quote that says something like if a fish spends its life trying to compare itself to a tree, it will spend its whole like feeling like a failure ... or something like that.  You are good, as you have been made.  It is a gift to the world that you are like you are.  So this week, spend time leaning about yourself and loving yourself for being yourself.  You are worth it. 

Focus on the Good

 "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.” - Dr Seuss

This quote is something that I have had a lot of experience with in the past with regards to my wonderful time raising my kids.  Those memories are etched forever in time, pics, and my mind, as well as Facebook memories, very often.  It also applies to my wonderful romance of this year.  Though that is over, it was objectively one of the best times of my life, and I will forever be grateful for the opportunity to have experienced it.  I gained so much and changed so much in my experience with her that I will carry with me into my future paths.  I hope to maintain a connection to her to have future grand memories in the future, as friends as well.  

 However, as I reflected on it all over the past weeks, I realized something that is true by extension.  There is something good to maintain from so much of our lives that we often just sweep under the rug, because those relationships, connections, locations, and more have passed out of our minds.  This week I watched The Arrival, because I remembered the plot that has similarities to Interstellar, as well.  Time passes, and we feel that reality flows with it.  So, if something is not in the present, we conclude those things are no longer worthy or true or real.  We often mourn the loss of those things.  There is some real motivation for the mourning, because we no longer will be experiencing those things.  However, that moment.. those times... had value.  We were happy in them and did grow from them.

I am not saying that they should have remained.  Some things go and some things remain.  Some things just change.  Everyone is responsible for their own path, and no one should be judged for how they choose to live it.  Some people in our past were intentionally harmful to us, and that is something that definitely should not remain.  But, I can think of good experiences and times in each of the states I have lived and with many of the friends I had over those times that were lost to distance, distractions, political differences, and more.

It is easy to feel that your life was either good or bad by focusing on different elements of your past.  If you only look at the outcome of things, it will tend towards bad, because those things have ended.  But, if you focus on the good moments, even in the things that no longer remain, your life can be seen as full of joy.

So, that is my challenge to myself and one that I would give to you.  As things change and hardships come, look for the good.. not only in what remains but what happened along the way.  Be proud of yourself for taking changes and the joys you brought into the lives of others.  Smile at the good chapters in your story, and take faith in yourself that happy chapters will happen, again.