Respect the Pain and the Past of Others

So... this was actually the blog that I felt most compelled to write, earlier.  But, it is less rosey and is something I am working on in myself, as well.  But, as I am watching the end of the new Bridgerton episodes, I find myself drawn to complete the blog.  So, here it is.

We all carry around pains and challenges from our past.  In some cases, those pains can transition, so you are able to carry them in another way.  However, I do not believe that they ever truly go away.  I do believe that wounds between people can heal in a way that reconciliation can happen, even if that reconciliation is different than before.  But, I believe that it is only possible by respect for the wounds of the past and in such way that they are not repeated.

Lately, I have shown some liking of a show of a comedian that acknowledges some of the same cynicism that I have of organized religion.  And, I will do my best not to bring that cynicism to this blog post, but it is important to note that this cynicism is not recent and is long standing, based upon a long list of mistreatment and neglect by those in religious positions or those who were religious.  Again, I want to emphasize that it is not recent, even if it can affect my perception of those that are religious.  I do not want to allow my past to characterize those that are religious, today.. even when I see similarities or further things happen to irritate that scab from the past.  I can and have tried to ignore it and be overly optimistic, but that would not be real and based upon enough evidence to overcome that past.. not yet.  And, there are many such examples of contemporary religious hypocrisy and judgment out there in the world, so it is not something that is imagined in my mind.

I only say that to say this.  I have a past with religion that should be respected by someone that would care for me, just as they should respect my past with past emotional wounds... religious or otherwise, even as I should also be someone that respects that in others.  There is no.. well, they just need to hurry up and heal.. ever.  Wounds change you, and the person that exits on the other side is not the same as the one that entered.  It is not possible to just pretend that that never happened.

So, this difficult blog post is only here to say this.  If you care for someone, you will respect their full nature.. you will love the person that exited the wounds, not giving an expectation that they will return to being without them.  If they are dark or hardened, the cure is not for them to suddenly be rich of hope and to be able to be like you.  Care for them is to care for their darkness, or you never really cared for them... themselves.. at all. 

Reclaim Your Swagger

There is a scene in a movie that I usually watch every year in the fall but didn't this last fall (Serendipity) and a scene in it that I have quoted in various blogs over the years.  That was when Jonathan's friend quotes Epictetus to him that said if you want to improve you must be content to be thought footish and stupid and that he was out there doing it and making it happen.  That isn't the part that I want to use for this blog post, though it is entirely true.  Then the friend tells him, "You're the sht".. and Jonathan notes to a nearby stranger that heard it, "That's me.. the sht."

Lately, as I have focused on what I like about me and as I improve myself and fell in love with myself, I have felt really good and happy without needing anyone's approval to be so.  My smile came not from external validation but from internal resonance with my own soul, which only drove me to become more and more myself.  But, I noticed something on my walks and when I am walking at work and other places.  I notice that my head is up and my back is vertical.  Now, I know that is how you are supposed to be walking and should not slouch, but that is not my point.  For a long time, as I walked I would be looking down, sometimes in thought or down or unsure.  But, now, I'm walking around like I deserve to be there.. which.. of course.. I do.

Reflecting on this reminds me of my gunnery sergeant in the Army who used to say, "What are you looking at your feet for.  There isn't any shrapnel down there."  He was a good man and helped me to win soldier of the month, once month.  But, the point is very valid.  You should be proud of yourself.  You have a lot to offer, and no one is going to be able to see that if you are always down about mistakes or feeling inadequate for those that are not qualified or capable to appreciate you. So... reclaim your swagger.  As Adam Lambert once sung, STRUT.

Now, I am not saying that you should ignore your mistakes or not find ways to improve.  I do that every day.  I'm also not going to say that the things of the past that weighs on you will suddenly go away or change.  That isn't the point.  If you ware waiting for everything to feel and be perfect to start to shine, you will remain that way, forever.  There is a time to pull away and  feel and learn and process, and I will not rob you of your pain.  It will do much.  But, as that healing begins to take hold and you begin to realize that maybe you weren't all bad but just not right for someone, or someone wasn't able to appreciate how good you are, you have to take a step back and look at yourself and your progress and say.... that's me.  I'm the sht.  Because, well, you are to the right people, first of who is yourself. 

Smile Moments in My Week

I'm slightly altering my no personal details rule.  I am still going to be keeping close relationship details of my past or what may come about sometime in the future private, or things related to my family private, unless there is a good thing that all involved has authorized and is safe to share.. that would be a very tight exception on an otherwise non share.  However, I want to start sharing moments that just made me happy in my week that do not fit in the above categories.  So, here's some happy moments in the last weekend and week.

Cooking- I have really come to enjoy experimenting with cooking and making yummy food.  I made a great fish meal two different nights with a different combination of spices and veggies.  I think both were a hit for flavor.

Fitness- I walked a couple incredible photo walks around Gathering Place and Riverside and expanded my gym time to include more and different equipment.  I like feeling healthier and my jeans are now so loose I could probably drop a pant size.

Out and About- I did a couple meetup groups events, including one on Margarita day and had a great margarita and met and heard stories from some interesting people.  After the trivia night, I wandered over and checked out Valkyrie bar for the first time and had a great drink there.

I made a couple playlists that were fun to make and like that my new focus in recent weeks has been more positive in them.  

I saw and shared a lot of great Instagram pics including ones that were inspirational and some that were sexy.  I like being able to openly be as "dirty minded" as I can be.. being single has that liberty.  I'm also less driven to be in a relationship but more interested in just having fun being me.. though I'm not opposed to relationships... someday.

I'm sure I'm missing something, but those made me smile.

There were other not so fun moments like doing taxes ..  ha.  But, doing this post series will be a good addition to my blog.

You Don't Date a Person But A Community

 I have had this thought to post for months, now.  However, it wasn't the right time, and I wanted to do it when I felt I was ready.  There will be no reference to my own experiences, but my experiences have led me to understand it.  And, while I am absolutely certain that it is crucial to understand when you begin to date and consider people romantically, it is a topic that I have never heard anyone discuss to my knowledge.  I'm sure that people probably have discussed it, but I don't remember it being told to me.

When you begin to date someone, your focus is generally upon that person.  That's how all the dating apps are structured.  They want you to understand you, and they want you to understand them and whether the two of you are compatible.  And, that IS extremely important to understand.  So, I am not going to say what I am discussing is more important that that.  However, if you don't understand my point, you will potentially make some mistakes that will affect your happiness in very dramatic ways.

What you need to understand is that every person that you are dating is a part of a community.  When you are dating them, you are in a very real manner dating the entire community.  As you get closer to them, they will want to start introducing you to that community, and you will feel that it is important to start introducing them to yours.  It is only natural that you would want this.  These people are important to you, so you want your important people to know and like your new important person.  You may also be wanting their feedback on them, as you consider them.  This does serve a purpose, but you need to be slow and careful with this introduction and integration.  

Without giving any details, I CAN say that more times than I would want to recount I have had to start over, after a failed connection or relationship or friendship.  When that happens, it will have an impact on your life in ways that you did not see coming.  During your time with them, you made a lot of connections and became friends and developed habits and locations and more that you would frequent and know.  However, when a connection ends, the people in the connection are often seeking their own lives, again.  They will often ask or demand separation in order to be able to move on and to feel balance on their own.  However, in order to accomplish this, a LOT of other people are affected as well as the person no longer in your life.  Suddenly, if those people are close to the other person or if they are close to you, they feel that it is a betrayal to the other.  People are sorted by whose is whose people, and cords of connection are cut and locations that were a part of your life for a long time are suddenly uncomfortable grounds to visit, lest you see them, too.

No one wants to talk about this, but it is absolutely true, and I have made and lost connections many times, simply because someone didn't end up working with me or me with them.  So, my advice to you as you begin to date is this.  Take your time to get to know them and do not rush connection, simply to satisfy people that are telling you to go faster, because those SAME people may soon be telling you to dump them or will, themselves, be unable to be in contact with them.  In fact, it is an unfair thing to ask of your friends, just as it would be if your community is your family... which should ALSO be a later addition for them to meet for the same reason.

You are not considering a person or dating a person.  You are considering an environment, and if the foundation that provides that environment is unsure, you are potentially asking someone to uproot their entire community to test something and then lose that if it does not work.  Start slow, get to know them.  Slowly introduce them into yours but be sure they do not reside in your community but in theirs.  Let them know your community in progression and always be aware to allow them separation from your world ... insist upon it, in fact.  If it is true, you will eventually get to close connections and shared spaces, but I would not recommend anyone you date joining your church, your work circle, your family, or more for at least a year.  However, I do not claim authority on this.  I am just telling you what I have experienced in my own life.  While I am fully capable and skilled at starting over, it is not something I would recommend as part of the dating adventure.

Curiosity and Wonder and Peace

Without giving any particular personal details, I do want to talk in general about where I am and how I am feeling in my mentality shift.  It will not be critical of others or reference the past more than to generally reflect on how I used to think about things compared to how I currently think about things.

I used to feel that since I valued love that the highest form of existence was to be in a relationship, so I felt that it I wasn't in a relationship that it meant that I was in a state of being broken, and I felt.. even when I was content on being single and on my own.. that ultimately that full healing would come after I resumed love with someone.  I know that many feel the same way, and I know that it can be possible to be healed and in a relationship and happy.  However, even then, I believe that seeing anyone as the source of your healing only gives them the power to rip open that wound at any time and puts the key to happiness in someone else's hands, as well as giving them too much responsibility or blame or credit.

This time processing has taken a different feel and depth to it than has in prior times.  I feel that I touched on the ways that I am feeling at different times in the past, but I feel that this transformation has been more... evolutionary... becoming the next level of what I was meant to be.

For example, it took me a while to want to use dating apps, again.  However, when I did, it has been accompanied by a lack of respect for them, as I have seen how the dating apps have so many risks and flaws.  I don't approach them as the solution but as a way to see interesting people.  And, more importantly, as I have taken time to fall in love with myself and my interests, I approach the dating apps and scene as a distraction to my already happy life.  I am not opposed to using the apps or having conversations, but they are just another way to interact with people and experience life.

Similarly, I have started using MeetUp app to get out of the house to do events.  For those that don't know, it is not a dating app but is a way for people to look for events that others are doing and to join them and to meet interesting people and have fun without the pressure or anxiety of meeting others or being good enough for them.  You can just be blatant and fully yourself and have conversations with people that you may not ever talk to again or will just develop friendships with them.. both genders.  I have met the most interesting people over my years of doing it and learn things that I never knew, before.  These things are ways to help you go grow and become what you like, as you learn what you like, too. 

In years past, I met people that lived on house boats or came from other  cities and visited other countries that I have never been and knew little about.  Recently, I heard some very interesting things about Vietnam and Cambodia, but I have also learned things about my own city that I never knew, as well.  And, I had fun.. a lot... and it wasn't tied with whether I was good enough for anyone or walked away from there as other than being single.  It almost makes me want to remain single to keep doing it, in fact.

So, I am not posting this about not being in a relationship.  That can be very good, as well.  But, I am posting this to say.. don't rush it and even when you do start dating and get in one, take into it the curious person full of wonder and peace that you met and became, along the way.  Or don't... I don't have power over your life and should not.  I'm just openly speaking what I have come to understand, personally, along my own path.

Thoughts and Tips on Moving Forward

I want to keep this as general and free of personal details as possible, but I think I have some valid thoughts and tips on moving forward to share with others.  At least, I can say that they have helped me to be able to do so.  I have, unfortunately, had multiple periods in my life that I have needed to reset and restart from different kind of challenges, not just romantic but the principles apply.  So, I hope this helps you to have an easier go of it than me learning it.

The first thing that you need to know is that it is that it is.  You need to look at it objectively and factually, because your emotions will be telling you all kinds of things and leading you into dark paths of trying to establish who to blame or what this says about life, God, fate, and much more.  You don't want to hear this when you are considering it, but... your experience isn't unique to you.  You are not being singled out to be cursed.  If it happened more than once, it is not necessarily a character defect.  You are not being punished.  It is just change.  It was change that brought joy into your life, and it is change that takes it away.

While it is important to consider things and learn, as we go through life; it does not mean that you necessarily did something wrong to venture down paths that did not remain or to love those that would ultimately not be in your life, anymore.  The moments were good, and you were good to feel the moments and to show love to another and to be passionate about the happiness that you were feeling.  All of these are good qualities about YOU.  And, you need to be able to forgive yourself for taking the risk and opening up in order to be able to do it in the future, again.  You also don't need to trash the other person or rewrite the good days into bad ones to be able to move on.  I know that happens to be the trend in our society, but it is not healthy and not valid or honest to do so.  Returning to the first point, it is that is is, and it was that it was.  The good that you had in that moment and that you saw in others was good in that moment and will always be so, no matter how we try to re-frame it.  Accept that the good was good and that it is over.

And, when it is over, let it be over.  While it is possible for things to resume and reset, that becomes harder and harder as time goes without effort on both sides.  Returning to objectivity, if there is no foundation upon which to revive it, you have to let it die.  This is a principle that also applies to much more than relationships.  But, change happens, and we change and grow.  Life becomes a new story that is happening around you, and you cannot keep living in days that no longer exist.  It will only detract from the peace and balance you can have for your current days.  Sometimes, also, things change into new or redefined connections that can be better than they were originally, since everyone is growing.. hopefully.

In growing, it is important to focus upon yourself.. not trying to change to convince someone that has rejected you or to learn how to put on a better image for others.  That is just a continuation of the problem.  It is important to learn who you are at your core, become the best version of that person that you can be, fall in love with that person, and learn to shine as that person, simply by allowing others to see you happy being yourself.  This true note will filter out those that are not meant to be in your life and attract those that will be.  This is a natural process, and you do not have to take a hand in trying to control it.  Whatever happens was meant to happen.

So, I hope that these reflections and tips will help you in finding your feet for a happy future, no matter what change happened in your life. 

Charity

Charity is not about feeling superior.  It is not about getting enough back for what you give in return.  It is not about getting recognition for your organization or your faith or your family or whatever else there would be as your "side" or "people".. It is about need and a heart that cannot see a need without wanting to help.

I won't go into details, as I am making a choice to keep those details out of my social media or blog posts, but there is a reason that I am the age that I am without a huge savings.  In most of my life, I walked from helping one person in need to another... or multiple.  In almost all of those cases, I would find myself in time on my own, and often when my own need arose I would find myself without similar giving hands.  

However... does that mean that I regret what I did or gave?  Not in the slightest, because my choice to give was never based in what I received.  It was based in having love enough to give to someone that didn't deserve the fate they had been given or had a physical, psychological, or financial need.  Whether my giving was acknowledged with gratitude or would be seen by others as an attempt to control was beyond my ability to predict or manage and had NOTHING to do with the value of the giving.

At different times in my life, I have worked in non profits in a customer facing role.. not really one I am in currently, but I have been in that role.  I found that when you did things to help those in need, you were met oftentimes with anger and shame by the one receiving it.  I understand.  There have been times in my life that for different reasons I had to live on state benefits, and it took a lot of pride swallowing to accept the help.  This is routinely an adult reaction, as I have heard children cheer that they would have a meal, tomorrow.  But, to the adult, feeling like you have to rely on someone else can be an offensive thing and the giver a burden.

However... again.. does that mean that the giving should not be done?  No.  I recently read a meme that said what you give may not always be given back to you, but it will always be a reflection of how YOU are.  I'd say that I want to be a good person and do that, but the reality is that I know I am NOT always a good person.... and YET I still want to do that, partially because I know what it is like to live in shame and rejection and need.

Charity isn't about you or your organization or your reward or your acceptance.  It isn't about buying a ticket into heaven, and it isn't about paying for your sings.  It has nothing to do with YOU at all, other than simply... do you care enough to give.  And, that... these days.. is a lot more relevant question than it should be. 

Happy Valentines to You

I will give this my best shot.  I wanted to do a good piece for this weekend, and then wham.. spent most of the day fighting off a one day (hopefully) virus that left me without energy or clarity of mind to write something.  Then, there was the periodic emotional waves that I had to allow to flow through and depart without action.  It is important to feel the emotions and learn from them, but it is not good to let them direct you, always.  But, this post is not going to be about my romantic past or future.  It is only going to be about the greatest romance that you should ever have in your life... with yourself.

People will spend so much of their lives thinking about others and analyzing themselves to see how they can be a better version of themselves to please others.  I know.. I lived like that way more years of my life than I care to admit.  However, not only is that a misuse of time, it is also ineffective in the goal of finding others that will like YOU.  How are they going to like you, if you don't even know who you are.  How are they going to love you, if YOU don't love you. Thus, the romance that you have for yourself is the greatest romance, because it will not only be the most personal but will lead to all others.

The first step that you need to do is to learn about yourself.  How often do you meet someone and ask curious questions to get to know them.  I am generally an introvert, but I LOVE to get to know stories about others people.  I hate group settings, but I love to sit in quiet settings and ask questions and tell stories and connect with people.. not just romantic but in all kinds of human connections.  I have heard the most interesting stories and met the most interesting people that way.  Even recently, I learned things about my own town and others that I had no idea about and would not if I stayed in my little bubble.  That is why it is so important to make connections that are not like you.  However, similarly, we cannot know what we like if we stay in the pre-determined lives given to us by others and do not challenge ourselves to explore.  You also have to be willing to accept personal interests that are not popular or are even risque.  But, whatever it is, you have to take the time to learn what you like and then love yourself for liking them.

Once you have taken the time to get to know yourself and love yourself, the next part is easy.  All you have to do is shine.  All you need to do is allow others to see the warm smile that you feel in being and doing what it is that you like to be and do.  As you enjoy yourself and your life, that will attract others that also like those things, and it will turn off those that do not agree with your smile, thereby filtering out the wrong ones.

So, this Valentines, that is my own goal for myself and my wish for you.  BE YOU and be happy in being yourself.  LOVE yourself and others, and let the rest all work out around you as it should.  Be your own valentine.  You deserve the kind of love and acceptance that only you can give. 

Completely Outlandish Notes on Dating (Not Really)

I haven't even started dating again, but I am mentally prepared to begin doing it.. I think.  I'm open to it, but I am taking my time and will when it looks right, not because of any dates on calendars or the romantic success of others.  I hope that for them, and I am happy, when I see people that have romantic success.  It gives me hope.  However, I don't live my life to meet any image or expectation of satisfaction of others, and even though I will have a little fun along the way my ultimate goal will be my forever person.  But, I'm not like... looking for my soul mate and marriage partner.  That is the ULTIMATE goal, but I am not going to force that to rush into anything on that premise.  But... I'm gonna get into that, and I am getting ahead of myself.  Welcome to a completely outlandish notes list on dating.. kidding... kinda.  These are my thoughts on dating in general, and they should not really be controversial, though some might be to some.  I will not be giving personal details on my own dating attempts on the blog or social media, and there will be no social media posts of those dates... probably not even when I find someone that I think might be great.  Past experience has shown that being public with that, at least for along while, is not wise... for anyone involved.

1.  It's only dating, not rocket science or brain surgery.  You are allowed to make mistakes and doesn't always have to be someone that you have determined to be perfect... before the first date.  That's not possible.  You probably won't know if they are the right one after the first MONTH or longer.  And, feeling that you have to know that is going to add a lot of pressure to make quick decisions that become harder to undo as time goes.  Keep it light.  Keep it fun.  Avoid making conclusions, til you have more experience.  But, when you do know it is NOT the right one, take action.  Don't let time lead you into paths you don't need to be.

2.  Quick summary of things to know... they are not your ex, and you are not theirs.  You are not in an interview, nor are you giving them one.  You are spending time together.. do that and observe.  Everyone is putting on their best face at the beginning, so enjoy the face but keep learning.  Hormones are not a bad thing, but they are not the only thing.  Make sure it is about more than how great they look or how they make you feel.. because both of those will change.  They don't need to share all of your interests, but if they have a love that you have as a challenge... that will grow, not decrease.  Small non negotiables become large ones. Remember.. the fun and expensive meals and gifts and gestures and more are very nice, but the GOAL is to find someone with whom you can one day be completely comfortable and relaxed and messy and have flaws and KNOW they will love you, even then.

3.  People that lead with what they do NOT like have already told you they are going to look for your flaws.  Similarly, if you go into it looking for THEIR flaws, it probably won't go well, either.  The BEST dates and people in my opinion are those that surprise you and teach you something new about yourself and the world.  It's suppose to be an adventure.

4.  Keep a blank slate that lets them define themselves by your experience with them.  That definition should be based on experience, not hope.  Yes.. this takes more time, but HOPEFULLY you are taking the time to actually get to know THEM as THEM, not looking for a generic fill in for the role you want to have for holiday events and social gatherings.  If that's all you want, I believe you can buy that.

5.  You are not looking for someone to convert or change.  If someone does not work for you, do not think.. I can change them.  You should NEVER be looking to change someone else.  Either you like them for themselves, or you may as well date an AI.  It's actually very popular, and I have downloaded a few of the apps over the years.  That's definitely a way to get a date that will do and say whatever you want.. and I do mean.. whatever... but that's not real and that's not romance.

Ok... that's enough for now.  I am inching my way towards dating, and I may look for someone to get out of the house and do fund things with, soon... I'm already doing group things.  I don't need to put so much pressure on it, but it is time to move forward and have fun, again. 

 

Objectivity and Prejudice

I wanted to do a post about objectivity and another about prejudice, but I realized both are linked.  The way I want to present it is not accusatory, as it also applies to me, equally.  It is also not negative but positive, as well.  You will understand, as I explain.  I began the post mid week, but it had to stay in draft til I had the mental bandwidth to do it justice and do it right.  I find that I have to budget my mental energy and processing time, lately.  My job is very mentally challenging, and I often find myself with a stacked schedule of things I want to do, even at night.  However, I have been relaxing for a while, this evening.  I think I am ready to expound on this, and I think it will benefit you, as well.

As per usual, I think that we have a wrong use of and understanding of many words, and these are no exception.  I think that people always assume that prejudice is about negative presumptions, but it can easily be positive ones, as well.  What is prejudice?  The Oxford definition that you get in Googling it is "preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience."  That can definitely be negative, and we have seen a lot of that in our society and in the news, lately.  It is often applied to people on dating apps, as well, and I will admit that I base my opinions of how someone may be based on their interests and factors that I have seen in others.  Honestly, I'd say that in our age, a little caution is not necessarily a bad thing.   Certainly, if they have interests that I do not share or they do not share my interests, that is not something that is based on prejudice but fact.  However, assuming that someone's personality is like, simply based upon similar interests is jumping to conclusions.  But, I don't want to limit this post to dating apps but larger concepts.  But, it is also true that we can have a prejudice that something will be good ... also without it being based on experience or reason.  My point in saying that is not to say that you should not believe in the possibility of good or look for it.  By all means do, but make sure you are doing so upon the next concept.. objectivity.

Blame the day job... I'm an accountant.  In my job, it is or it isn't is not a cold and cruel way of looking at things.  It is a way that says I want to know that it is real, before I make decisions that count upon it being there.  It is not a romantic way of looking at things, but how many times in your own life has your household budget fallen apart, because you were budgeting upon hope?  I've had that happen enough in my life that I have both a hopeful and dreamer mentality when it comes to what I desire and an objective and logical analysis of what actually exists.  And, in determining what does exist, I mean that it is evident to the senses, not existing in hope.  I know that many will take issue with that.  I'd say, I share you idealism.  I just don't share the practical application.  My mentality in years past and lately is to see things as they are and follow the paths that show a good foundation for the idealistic hopes that I am charting my life to achieve.. not denying anyone the opportunity to show me the effort nor believing the effort is there when it is not seen.  Similarly, I don't presume (to circle back) that someone is lost or beyond hope.  I just don't give unwarranted perceptions of others, either.

So, I hope these help you.  I know that some will be saying that I am denying the "magic" of a relationship or the "faith" in what you do not see.  Again.. I admire you positivity.  I just don't feel like gambling upon hormones or emotions that can change, quickly.   So, if you choose to ignore my words or reject my opionion.  I say that is fine.  Good luck.  I'm not unromantic.  I just want to wait to make sure the foundation is present for me to begin to have the kind of intimacy that I desire, and I think that knowing that such exists is something that takes time and is based on a lot of unromantic factors like personality type, goals, communication styles, and more.  These things we cannot fully know without time, and I plan in my future to be a turtle and to be sure. But, it doesn't mean that I cannot enjoy the journey of discovery or enjoy my life by myself.  

Well, this post ended up being more about relationships and dating than I desired, but I think it is ok.  I have made a lot of these mistakes, myself.  I am still learning how to chart life, as we all are.  I hold no ill will for anyone else in their exploration, as well.  But, I am trying to post the things I am learning that I think will protect and help others to find their way to their own happy ever after. 

In Season and Out of Season

Tonight, I made time to go to a hockey game.  I hadn't done it in a while, and I used to go alot.  It was fun to get away and do that for myself.  But, I had a thought while I was there watching the players working SO HARD to get the puck.  They battled every step in the game, which they would ultimately lose.However, none of that effort was lost.  Why?  Every second that they are playing, they are experiencing and learning and becoming a better player.  Every success along the way was a good success, even if they would have a zero score at the end.  It reminds me of what I used to say about baseball players.  The VERY BEST batters still had a batting percentage of hitting the ball less than half of the times that they stepped up to the plate.  Yet, I don't think that anyone would call them failures.

We are nearing the time of the Olympics, which inspired me in a recent playlist to have a video that showed athletes failing and falling, before it showed them succeeding.  Every athlete knows that you must practice to get better.. you must go out there and try and learn.  How true that is for so many parts of our lives.  Further, it should teach us that not only should we give ourselves grace but give grace to those around us to be free to safely fail, as well. 

Lately, there have been some days that feel like everything is humming along a new foundation and path of new growth.  Other days, it feels like I go from one challenge to another.  However, what I want you to keep in mind as I do is this... none of that should change your discipline to continue to move forward.  It's like days at the gym.  It is often the days that you do not feel like going that you will have the greatest impact, if you do.  So, our choice to growth and improve and learn and move forward should have nothing to do with how it feels.  Feelings can be deceptive.  If you know it is right, ignore your feelings and keep moving one foot in front of another.  Your feelings will swing back, soon enough.

So, that is my short blog of the night.  Always keep moving forward and learning and improving, whether it is a pleasant day or hard, whether you have a chorus of support or stand alone... in season or out of season... if you keep at it, you will improve.  If you don't, you will make a habit of quitting and never end up reaching any goal.  I hope you keep growing and improving in your own life.  I'm rooting for you in the good days and the bad.  You'll get there, if you do not quit. 

You Are Valid

I wanted to bring together a few, among many, concepts that has been guiding principles in my life of late.  They have helped me keep a peaceful and steady march forward, and I think they are important to keep in mind in the minds of my readers, as well... no matter how your life may face.  They don't require a lot of talk, so this blog post will be rather short.

1.  First and to lead off with the topic of the post subject... you are valid.  Your feelings are valid.  Your personality is valid.  Your thoughts are valid.  Your way of doing things is valid.  Your life experience that led you to this point is also VERY valid... both the good and the bad.  Indeed.. I'll pause mid point here to note there is value in the bad and struggle.  I don't know if you are watching Fallout on TV, but there was a part in the season finale for this season that I won't give too much information about... but a character lost their dark side in a change that stripped them of their bad memories, and the person watching had tears in their eyes, knowing they had just lost the person they knew with the change.  But, to continue the point, You are valid, even if you are flawed.  Indeed, you are valid IN the flaws.  You don't have to be perfect to be worthy.  You are worthy, even as you are growing.  You are valid in your pains, and your pains are valid.  None of that changes any of your worth.  Indeed, it makes you worthy of a caring heart's response.

2.  People can be good and valid and not right for you for a relationship.  It is not right or wrong, good or bad, one or the other.  You don't have to judge someone as a bad person, just because they are not the kind of person that would work with you.  Indeed, if you know what you need and ignore it to get into a connection that ends badly, you are just as much to blame for that.  We all want to follow the heart, but the heart can get you into difficult or impossible situations.  There are many personality tests out there that will give you an idea of what you need to make you happy.  You need to enslave (strong word used for a purpose) your emotions to follow your needs.. either finding someone whose personality naturally works with yours or by agreement on both sides to respect the middle... though I am not sure that the latter actually exists.

3.  You need to stand your ground and make your choices to be happy.  No one else is going to be sacrificing their wants to make that happen for you all the time, and you should not be expecting others to provide it for you.  Your happiness is not their responsibility.  Their happiness is.  Your happiness is YOUR responsibility.  So, that means telling others no or wait or telling others what you want to do, even if it is not convenient for them.  If you do not get in this practice, it is very easy to lose yourself along the way. Get in the habit of saying what you want and doing what you need to be happy.  That doesn't mean that you cannot sacrifice and make choices to make others happy.  You should be doing that, as well.  But, you have to MAKE those moments happen that you enjoy, whether it be going for a photo walk in the cold, taking extra time to listen to music or do a puzzle, go shopping on your own, or... well.. making time to please yourself... ha.  I'm not that innocent minded.  Whatever it is, you have a responsibility to yourself, and you cannot delegate that or blame anyone else for your lack of doing it.

As always, I have more I could say, but that is enough for now.  I hope it helps.