I had a revelation, today, as I was sitting at work and thinking of how my life had played out, as I discussed the transition that I was forced to face as my ex turned my kids against me and the fact that among my peers I keep running into the SAME lifestyle change challenge in the lives of the women that I know and meet. Across the board, I see so many struggling with a transition that is often noted but rarely discussed in much depth. Yet, I have.. as I noted.. been forced to face it head on. This is the challenge of the empty nest, and it is the first of a new series of posts that I intend to do.. The Dark Chronicles.
Why do I call it that? It is because I have an immense experience of life in experiences and surviving and thriving past very dark chapters in people's lives... chapters that most prefer not to discuss and consider evil to have faced. Yet, I have learned that they are often important and very educational. So, while you may choose to condemn my choices and consider me a heretic, I will give real and practical life tips and help... or you can go consult your local priest or religious figure that never faced such life challenges and look for guidance in stories of others that did not face them, as well. I wish you the best of luck in that. However, I will speak what I have known. I would think you will have more success to listen, but the choice is yours.
I have two children. I love both children. However, I have strained relations with both of them, due to their mental challenges and my ex's intention to turn them against me to "win"... so, judge me if you must in all of that, but it has taught me a lot that is helpful for those whose kids are growing up.
1. First, they will pull away from you and will consider your advice less worthy than even the most remote tiktok or youtube star they follow. Don't take that as an indication of your own worth. We ALL pulled away from our parents at one time or another. I feel it is a part of the natural growth of kids to do so. They do so to feel more confident in their own decision making ability or to learn from them, and it happens so that we as parents get so frustrated by the process that we are ready to let them go.
2. They MUST learn on their own. There are several theories of information retention, and the most effective way to teach someone something is to let them teach it or to own it. If they decide on their own to obey you, all you will have done is destroyed their ability to face life on their own. I used to say that if my kids where strong enough to stand up to me, they were strong enough to face the world, and that is the better gift to give them. I think the divine would feel the same, as well.
3. YOUR life does not end when the kids leave the house. Your purpose in living was NOT just to have kids. Here is part of where I am sure I will be judged a heretic. However, you existed before having kids. Your life was not without value then. Your life is not without value AFTER they leave, either. Your value is YOUR value... not just what you can provide to other people. You may have forgotten it, but you have talents, interests, beauty, creativity, and more. That wasn't just given to you for your kids. I have met a lot of people that are going through your transition of moving to a house that is without kids. What I can tell you is that even if you cannot see it, you will pass this point and find value and joy in your days that is YOURS and not tied to what you were able to give to a child. Just as you once experienced, you can and will find peace and joy and interest and value in the small things of life... a sunset, a song, a meal, and yes... sexual pleasure even on your own. There is MUCH to experience in a post parental life that cannot be experienced with kids in the house.
4. You are not going back to how you were before kids. That is past, and it is a shallow reflection of what you can be. You have learned a lot over your life. Keep those lessons and grow. This is a new chapter, and welcome to the show. There are many others that are also living their best life, on their own after the kids have gone. Rediscover what you like without checking with someone else, first. CHOOSE what you DESIRE to do and not what is expected. It will take some time for you to get there. I remember in the first year after my kids were out of my house my sister asked what I wanted for a present and found myself paralyzed. That was when I realized I needed to re-learn... how to be me, again.
So, to conclude this post in an adequately offensive manner.... You are not broken. You are not without purpose. You are not at your life's end. You are just scared, and it is ok to admit that. No one has prepared you for the next chapter of your life, and I hope to help in that regard. It is ok to enjoy your life, and it is important to learn what makes you happy. I will cheer you on as you take that ad enture to heart, and I look forward to your discoveries along the way.
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