The Dark Chronicles Act 4: Don't Run From the Hard

What this blog was going to become has changed a half dozen times, today.  I'm still not sure it's the best focus, but it's real.  

I've been watching a lot of romantic things, lately.  I'm two episodes from being caught up on Bridgerton.  It has been.... hard... a lot harder than I thought it would be.  My last relationship ended a little over two months ago, and I have gone through a lot of stages and processed all the crisis steps and came to some important realizations and foundational conclusions that are positive for me to be able to move forward.  I do not intend to talk about the details of that relationship or its ending, here.  This isn't about the past or that relationship, per se.  It is about.. now.  It is about life after.  And, I felt that I had reached a place where that could begin without dealing with the past.  Indeed, for the most part, I focused away from that ending for a long time.  I didn't and don't feel it is important to revisit the past, often.  Thus, I even asked someone's advice on whether I should spend time processing it or just ignore it, earlier today.  And, I would LOVE to not process it, but I do think that it is important to address hard things, particularly BECAUSE they are hard, sometimes.

First, some things need to be said.  I am not having to process, because I am still wishing it would ,return.  Regardless of why it ended, it ended.  I accept that, and I am happy to look forward.  I have also healed enough to realize that I have value and am good to the right person that is able to see it.  I am not feeling anger over it and wish her peace and success in her path.  And, I am able to see and appreciate the value and beauty in others.  So, at times I feel that I am completely healed or at least healed enough to be functional.  Then, I get to a Bridgerton wedding scene or a romantic movie of two people falling in love for a lifetime of love.  And... I get anxious and unsettled and fight the cynical view that it will end in pain.  Then, if the characters in the series that were in love start to have a fight or conflict, and I find my emotions repeating that cycle without me even thinking of the past or knowing fully why.

But, then... I start the next episode or movie.  I listen to another romantic song.  I continue to expose myself to it, because I know it is important to me.  I walk though the grocery store and see flowers and remember how much I love to be romantic.  Or, I find myself remembering how it feels to hold someone, kiss someone, and enjoy their body and be enjoyed by them.  And, just the echoed reflections of those acts and those qualities makes me feel.. broken and incomplete.  And, all I want to do is run away from it or myself from emotions, even as I enjoy experiencing the emotions.

However, and this is important, healing does not necessarily mean going back to the same patterns that got me here.  Healing does not mean sacrificing who you are for love, as the woman in the last season of Bridgerton is realizing.  Just because I have only known one "box" for what romance looks like does not mean that it is the best box for me or that there should be a box at all.  Indeed, when I find myself happy in my days of late, I find myself questioning if I should have a relationship at all.  And, honestly, I cannot conclude that happiness for me that exceeds my current happiness would look like the old box.  For I am indeed happy in my current life, and the fact that it looks very different than my past attempts makes me wonder if I ever really knew what would make me happy at all.  Perhaps, I didn't.   What I do know is this... at present when I am not trying to convince myself that I need something else from seeing it in a show, I am happy.  I am peaceful.   I am hopeful for my future with my close connections and friends.  However, I do not know that I would KNOW that without having my emotions pricked to process.

So, while I do not fully know whether a relationship is in my future or not, I do know that I cannot base my future or my happiness upon either past attempts or tv show utopias.  And, I will not know what lies ahead of me, if I bury my head in the sand of positive delusion of fake independence.  No one can make it on their own.  We all need each other, and in my opinion, true happiness is welcoming and connecting with the care of one another... and true care cannot happen without real people showing their feelings and vulnerabilities.  So, as messy as it can get, my advice for happiness in this blog would simply be that it is ok to be unhappy at times in order to learn from the hard.  I think that is the only way it gets easier to allow yourself to be happy, again.