I remember it a LONG time later. I was sitting in a church in Massachusetts, where I was living at the time 15 years ago, and I was thinking about the years and years of depression and anxiety and fear in my marriage to my first spouse. The romance had been gone for a VERY long time... over a decade.. and it was years of fighting and criticism and lack of support or care or passion. I stayed, because I felt that divorce was a sin, and I felt like if I did it that I would go to hell. However, I had reached the point of feeling hell might be a step up from how it had come to be. I remember the preacher at that church of which I cannot even remember the name was speaking about how God was love and wanted us to have a life of joy and peace and happiness. I realized that such a life could not happen in my marriage, so if God truly loved me he would want me to be free of the depression and strain that was the result of that marriage, and so I began the discussions that would lead to the end of the marriage. And, my life has been SO much better in the years that followed... even in times of trial my days were filled with more hope than had existed when I was married to that woman. God HAD indeed brought me the peace that I glimpsed in that church that day.
Our society has such a stigma on divorce and breakups that I think so many people have got married out of fear of looking bad for a breakup, possibly even because they just didn't want to offend someone else. Or, they stayed married, because they didn't want to be known as a divorced man or woman. Indeed, I did face much backlash for my divorce among churches, Christians, families, friends, and more... none of which were upset out of concern for my happiness or peace but often for their own learned assumptions of what you needed in life... a relationship, a spouse, a "happy family".. which didn't require a family that was happy to fulfill for them. Indeed, because of the stigma, many women and men stay in abusive situations, because they often are forced to do so for financial or other reasons. In many states, a person cannot even GET a divorce without a required "cool down" period. And, many church denominations either will not recognize a divorce or will not marry those that have been divorced.
This week, I was reflecting on something that applies, here. I believe that you need to have the grace to fail and the effort to try in whatever you do.. interpersonal connections or even something like starting a business or trying a job or for that matter buying clothes or cutting your hair. You have to allow yourself the freedom to try something and if it doesn't work to walk away from something. Otherwise, you will either never try anything or will remain in bad situations for the rest of your life.
There are many things that we need to normalize, including being single. However, one of the most controversial and therefore necessary for this blog series is this. It is OK if you breakup. It is OK if you get a divorce. It is OK if you call off a wedding. It is OK if you never even get married or have kids. You should not live your life trying to live for other people's expectations or even to avoid their condemnation. It is your life, and my experience is that many that you expect will remain that gives you the advice or criticism are people you will not even know in a few years. So, prioritize your mental health, try things to learn what you like, make choices for your happiness, and give yourself grace for when things fail. Failure is just a part of success, and the more you allow yourself that grace the more you will come to understand what is important in your path to happiness.
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